We named the dog Indiana

Things are looking the opposite of up for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Whatever Whatever“. At least, if you believe the netmotrons (as I am inclined to do). All of the reviews I’ve read are from die hard fans of the franchise, desperate to give the film a fair shake. One reviewer gave a quote that struck a chord with me (pardon the pun):

This is the “Free as a Bird” of Indiana Jones movies. 

Merciful Robot Jesus, if that is the case I am sad because I know EXACTLY what he means. He means, “Yes, we had the ability to make another Indy movie, and we have the money and the actors were on board… but we didn’t have any reason to do it.

I’ve never been a fan of “sequels for the sake of sequels.” If you have a story to tell, then by all means, get to tellin’. If you are just squeezing those last precious drops of life blood from a beloved entertainment entity for no other reason but to see if you can, maybe you should rethink your motives.

I was only 7 or 8 when i saw “Last Crusade.” It made a huge impression on me. I got a bull whip at the state fair, and spent many an afternoon recovering lost treasures from my back yard. Seeing the movie again as an adult, it held up to the deepest scrutiny. It’s up there with my all time perfect geek flicks. I’d rather walk away from Dr. Jones with those fond memories in tact, but chances are I will see “Kingdom of Such and Such” with it’s aliens and psychics and Labeoufs and what not eventually. I hope the early reviews are 100% wrong and it’s a very enjoyable film, but past experience leads me to keep my expectations on the lowest side of low.

I had this idea that the 4th film should feature an adult Short Round as the villain. He’s still 4 feet tall but he’s old and grizzled and has a robot eye or a claw or something. Also he still talks like he’s 9. He and the “homnomshbop” heart stealing guy team up to steal the Shroud of Turin. Speaking of, “The DaVinci Code” would have made a pretty good Indy Jones movie. The plot fits right in with “Ark” and “Crusade.” Plus, unlike Tom Hanks, Indy would have banged the last of Christ’s bloodline. Oh well.

I’m pretty disappointed I didn’t work “He chose poorly” into the comic.

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86 Comments

  1. What's wrong with 'Free as a Bird' ?! :-/

    I always just thought of it as a John Lennon song finished off by The Beatles, rather than a true Lennon/McCartney classic, but it's still good gosh darn it.

  2. Nicely lettered on the Wilhelm; I would've guessed that's what that was supposed to be, based on the arch.

    As you were 100% right about the awesomeness of Iron Man (which I had doubts about), I am saddened by this premonition of Indy 4.

  3. Good lord, I hope you're wrong. I squeed like a little girl when the trailer came on before Iron Man. I can't bear another Episode I. "Meesa so happy to see you, Indy!" That would be grounds for justifiable homicide of, like, everybody ever.

  4. When it comes to the Beatles I like about 30-50% of what they put out over their entire career. "FaaB" just falls into the category of Beatles tunes that did nothing for me. Despite the fact that is seemed like a half hearted grab for cash.

  5. In all fairness, I have not seen the movie, so I cant post final judgement. When I read reviews from people and they seem to be angered by the same types of things that anger me, and enthused by the same things that I enjoy I tend to believe their review.

    In this case I would normally wait for DVD. But as it is my job to provide social geek commentary Im sure I will see it in the theatre.

  6. Say it ain't so! After the greatness that was Iron Man, and the completely surprising better-than-it-had-any-right-to-be-ness that was Speed Racer, I figured that Indiana Jones was a lock.

  7. I see the Donnie Darko sequel going worse than this.

    Also, after watching the marathons of the other three Indy movies, I've confirmed that, no matter how campy a film is, no matter how bad the acting, no matter how many things I can find wrong with the cuts and directions, so long as the movie fits into the Western formula, I can be happy with it. Kinda like how Star Wars is "The Searchers" set in the Dune universe.

  8. I'm sorry, Mr. Lucas isn't available right now, he's raping and pillaging your fond memories of past franchises, but if you leave a message and a favorite franchise he'll be with you as soon as possible.

  9. If he was really going to mess with people he should do a meta-twist. His next movie should have no twist, which would in itself be the twist. People would go expecting the usual twist at the end and instead it's exactly what you figure it would be, which from him of course would be unexpected. Of course it would probably still get panned unless it was actually a pretty good movie, as people don't really like it when you screw with them as a general rule.

  10. I have hope for the new Hulk because I think they've finally figured out how not to fuck up comic to movie translations. From what they've shown in the previews it looks like it's a lot closer to the comics, which admittedly have never been great, but it should still be a passable movie, not the utter cringe fest that was the last attempt at a Hulk movie.

  11. Really? Speed Racer? I've been resisting going to that because I figured it would be so completely bad I'd want to kill myself halfway through. Did it achieve that rare of rarest movie tricks of sucking so badly it dropped right through the bottom and underflowed back into awesome?

  12. I might have to turn over my geek card for this, but I've never liked Star Wars that much. Now Star Trek, that's some goodness, and equally so Firefly, but Star Wars was just a bit too much Fantasy and not enough Sci-Fi for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with Fantasy by any means, but when you blend Fantasy and Sci-Fi like that it puts me off. Either pick one or the other, but don't take Fantasy and try to put a thin veneer of Sci-Fi on top of it.

  13. Yeah, Donnie D was win, but who was asking for a sequel? Much less one without Richard Kelly or Jake Gyllenhaal? That's like an Indy sequel directed by Brett Ratner and starring the guy who flew the plane at the beginning of Raiders.

  14. I think we should form some sort of militia group , so that if they do ruin this movie, we can arm ourselves and hunt them down? I vote for "The Fancy Bastards of the Cruciformed Sword" as a name.

  15. Lady in the Water wasn't a normal one of his movies though. It wasn't meant as a horror or suspense type thing, rather it was more of an adult take on a fairy tale. It did have a sort of twist though, in that all the characters weren't who they (and presumably you) thought they were. Not to spoil it for anyone, but the main character gets told that a bunch of the people in the complex he lives in all have special powers that will help them through various problems and he just needs to figure out who has what abilities. Well, the short of it is, he botches it right up till the end when everything sort of falls into place. Kind of stretching it for a "twist" but honestly the movie really doesn't "feel" like it's one of his so I'm not sure it counts.

  16. There are only certain reviewers that I pay attention to on Ain't it Cool News. Since none of these reviewers of Indy 4 actually work for the site I'm not going to let their negativity bother me.

  17. If they wanted "Free As A Bird" to be a true Beatles reunion, it HAD to be produced by George Martin, not Jeff Lynne. Martin was the studio genius behind all the Beatles recordings (with the exception of Phil Spector on the Let It Be album), while Lynne is just an imitator with a fetish for George Harrison's slide guitar.

  18. I would love, and I desperately hope, that this is going to be a classic on the level of Raiders. But my realistic goal? I just want it to be better than Last Crusade.

    Okay, put down the pitchforks.

    In 2001, the Cinerama theater in Seattle (the biggest non-IMAX screen in town, and a mecca for movie lovers) had a marathon of all 3 Indy movies. It was a blast, but two things became clear:

    1. Temple of Doom is vastly underrated. Yes, Kate Capshaw is shrill, yes, Short Round may as well be Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's, but the action is tight, the stunts are cool, the sets are awesome, and Indy is f'in badass. Besides, Kate Capshaw is wicked hot.

    2. Last Crusade is vastly, incredibly OVERrated.

    It was a knee-jerk reaction; after the relative disappointment of Temple, Lucas and Spielberg wanted the next one to be more in the spirit of Raiders. Which is fine, but in this case, "in the spirit" seems to mean "bad parody." Yes, we get expanded roles for Marcus Brody and Sallah, but suddenly they're useless buffoons, who only succeed through "comedic" coincidence.

    Worse, the sly comedy asides that made the first one so great are so overplayed. The guy with the stamp in the library scene? That would have worked as one quick cutaway, two shots at most. Instead we get this interminable sequence; stamp, stamp, stamp, BANG BANG BANG, look at stamp, BANG, rub eyes, say "now I've seen EVERYthing, produce bottle marked XXX and pour out.

    This is preceded, of course, by Indy's "whaddaya know…X marks the spot!" Cue muted WHEE-WHA trumpet.

  19. I think I might withhold my thoughts until I see it, but I am scared… I did see Ironman, and AWESOMENESS… so I have few doubts that you're wrong… but I hope so kinda. I do like the Indiana Jones.

  20. I'd like to refer you to a little film called Down In The Valley. Just because Edward "Don't Call Me Ed" Norton is in it, don't mean shit.

    I've never been interested in the Hulk. Ever. Ever, ever. So he gets pissed and breaks things. Well, so do a lot of people. Big deal.

  21. if you wanted to work the phrase into the strip, you coulda used the old staple of Joel's face melting from a bad movie.

    or him being all withered in the theater, Eli outside, stating that you chose poorly.

  22. li'l bit. I imagined a round kitchen table with a laptop or two and some desk mics. I tried to remember your voice acting but it just didn't translate for some reason.

  23. Comedic, yes, but the humor came from his character; one of my favorite moments in the movie was his last scene, just before they left on the freighter. Marion kisses him, pause, then burst into song. He was a capable member of Indy's team. In Last Crusade it was all cheap slapstick. "You go first" was funny. That whole exchange with the Nazis, and the newspaper, that was just embarrassing.

  24. I respectfully disagree, I thought it was funny. Yes, Brodey was downgraded to a bit of a comedy relief, but can you really justify him staying on as a father figure? And in my opinion he still did his job as a meaningful character when talking about the search for the grail.

  25. I respectfully disagree, I thought it was funny. Yes, Brodey was downgraded to a bit of a comedy relief, but can you really justify him staying on as a father figure? And in my opinion he still did his job as a meaningful character when talking about the search for the grail.

  26. Ironically he uses that line in the newest movie too… anyway, wait for DVD if you like; either way you'll still probably feel like you've been robbed…especially if you thought the new star wars movies were awful.

  27. Well, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My dad still thinks its better then Temple of Doom, but I've come with a new appreciation of it. I'm still thinking that we must stop George Lucas (see that south park episode). I still think Last Crusade is better, but that EoD fan is going to hate this movie if he thought that LC was slapstick…

    Anyway, aliens? WTF…I liked the religious mystery of all the other movies (I have to give props to ToD for reliving Gunga Din (1936), another one of my favorite movies and the thuggies).

  28. I saw the new Indy flick a few days ago and don't really have any complaints. There were a few things that made me go "Eh?" But overall I found it to be a very enjoyable film.

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