Truffle Shuffling Off This Mortal Coil

Blast you, Wheaton! Stop daring me to draw comics based on my own tweets! I will do it every time! I can’t… I can’t resist your eyes. Those wonderful eyes. Like two pulsars being extinguished in a pint of Guinness.

Dallas Webcomics Expo

The Dallas Webcomics Expo is this Saturday!
Aug 21 in Plano, TX [MORE INFO]
With Something*Positive, Cyanide and Happiness, Gastrophobia, Complex Actions and more!

If any Dallas area Fancy Bastards want to have a meet-up after the show I am game. Respond with your intentions in the comments.

If you liked the 4 part “Under The Bridge Downtown” series of comics, you can get them as a really nice 11X14″ print for a limited time.

Concerning this comic, the point I am trying to make is that no matter which way you look at it The Goonies did not have a happy ending. Not in the slightest. Before we talk about Chunk’s fatal act of kindness towards a gentle but fiercely strong beast-man, let’s discuss the “resolution” of the main plot of the film. The kids go on an adventure to find “rich stuff” in order to save their shit hole town from being turned into a much nicer place to live. Blah blah blah, murderers, blah blah, pirate caves, etc etc and they end up with one marble bag full of pirate treasure (seemingly all precious stones) worth an indeterminate amount of money. And I don’t want to get off on a tangent here, but WHY DID THEY LET THE SHIP GO?! “You see this bag of pirate treasure? There’s like a million billion more pieces of it on that ship out there. You know that ship. The one we can see. It’s maybe a half a mile out, just drifting out to sea. Yeah, that’s the one. Should we… no, you’re right. Best to let Poseidon reclaim her.”

Anyway, so all they need to do in order to quash the “evil” developers plans to rejuvenate their cesspool of a seaside burg is shake their fancy bag of jewels in their faces and scream “Nah Uh! You ain’t gettin’ my town! I gots a bag of rocks what may or may not be worth enough to… purchase this town?” What was their aim. What was Mikey’s Dad’s next move? What amount of pirate treasure would cease the stop the urban planning machine once the wheels are in motion? Have you ever tried to get a permit to build a deck in your backyard? It takes like a month! Imagine the red tape that stood between Mr. Walsh and “saving The Goon Docks”. Insurmountable, I tell you! I assure you that despite having his contract torn up and thrown in his face, Mr. Evil Develop happily drove a bulldozer over the Walsh household the following morning with the shit-eatingest of grins on his face. Mikey’s dad was probably at the pawn shop trying to trade rubies and emeralds for modern American currency as his living room was laid to waste to make way for a Starbucks.

My second major problem with the end of The Goonies is (as illustrated above) the idea that Chunk would invite Sloth to live with them and, somehow through the miraculous grace of Space Jesus, would survive the week. Let me break this down for you. Not only is Sloth a monstrous baby-man with the strength of Sasquatch, but he was also raised by murderous gangsters. And by “raised” I mean “chained to the wall in a basement while his family committed murders in the home”. Just think about the violence he had seen in his lifetime. It’s not like the Fratellis started killing people the week before Goonies takes place. They were a family of life-long thugs and death-dealers. I’m sure murder was part of Sloth’s daily routine at a very early age. Monday: take out the trash. Tuesday: sweep off the porch. Wednesday: dig shallow graves in the woods. He was probably pushing past frost bitten corpses to get to the rocky road since he was eight years old. Just because he loves Superman and candy bars and has a few humorous catch phrases doesn’t mean he isn’t consumed by rage for the mistreatment he’s suffered at the hands of his family. This is not a dude you let sleep on your sofa bed, unless your sofa bed is also a mental institution.

Let’s say Goonies ends on a Sunday. By Tuesday the town lies in rubble, the hot chick got back with her douchey boyfriend and Sloth has bear-hugged the life out of Chunk, Chunk’s mom, Data, Mouth, the chick with the short hair and at least a half dozen other random neighborhood kids.

Heeeeeyyyyy yooooooouuuu guys!“? More like “Hey, you guys are all dead and your crappy town has a bunch of new condos.”

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  1. Oddly enough, I just passed through the town it was filmed in last month. Success! Certainly no new development there since the 80s! Which is actually surprising, considering all the movies shot there. Kindergarten Cop, parts of several Free Willies (hold your gags), Short Circuit, the Ring[s]…

    Just imagine the fantastic movie mash-up you could concoct in Astoria if you shot all that stuff AT ONCE! (new comic suggestion…hint, hint)

    • Please let the creepy chick from the Ring kill the kid from Free Willie. Oh, and if she can somehow give Arnold cancer will hissing "It's a Tumor!" that'd be freaking sweet. Johnny 5 can then cut out said tumor with his shoulder laser.

    • Apparently the current owner of the house is cool with people just walking up and checking it out. I assume he is constantly bombarded by Truffle Shuffling tourists.

  2. I just knew something was up when I awoke with Cyndi Lauper in my head this morning….
    Good enough for you, I guess.

  3. Ah yes, suspension of disbelieve – the eternal problem of fantasy movies.
    Would it help if you saw it as a fairy tale rather than a realistic story? Small Town, USA is a myth just as much as any magical forest to me.

  4. Ah yes, suspension of disbelief – the eternal problem of fantasy movies.
    Would it help if you saw it as a fairy tale rather than a realistic movie? Small Town, USA is just as much a myth to me as any enchanted forest. Hence the broad characterisations.

  5. omg this is all hilarious.

    And I just gotta say this: Have you ever been to the Oregon coast? It's fuggin' cold, man. That's the reason they let the pirate ship go – it was too freaking cold to try and go after it. It wouldn't matter if it was high noon on the hottest day in summer – that water isn't going to be more than say, 10 or 12 degrees.

    Okay, I exaggerate – but anyone from the Pacific NW will tell you that our oceans are an unpleasant ice bath any day of the year.

    • Solution = A boat. A modern boat with an engine. You could catch it and tow it back in an hour or so. It would be little more than an inconvenience for unimaginable riches.

    • I actually love it. It was one of my favorites as a kid. I used to draw vehicles for the goonies as if Data has made them from spare parts and junk.

  6. I never saw Goonies when it came out, and when I saw it later in college I was totally mystified as to why anyone was nostalgic about that movie. I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw some …inconsistencies in that film.

    • Well, to be fair, I still LOVE the movie. Its just funny to see how ridiculous the plot is as an adult. When I was a kid it all seemed totally plausible.

  7. Joel, apparently the permit process you had to go through for your deck was a bitter and soul wrenching experience that has left deep, emotional scarring which now precludes you from finding the elemental and child like joy in the movie "Goonies". I beg you, for you own emotional well-being, to seek counseling.

  8. When the movie was shown in theaters and on tv shortly after it was released, the kids got attacked by a giant octopus after they jumped off the ship. That part's been cut from the movie ever since. However, when they're rescued on the beach, Data still says "the octopus was really scary" – and it doesn't make any sense now! As an adult, that careless editing drives me crazy (as a kid, I could've cared less – the octopus freaked me out!). Still love the Goonies, though.

  9. Love GOONIES. Especially Anne Ramsey and the GREMLINS reference ("This reminds me of the time you told us about those little green monsters that multiply when you splash water on them")

    -The octopus is included in the dvd release special features!

  10. But at least….when Andy goes back to her douchey boyfriend, he will be surprised to find that she gave it up to Brand. Or Mikey. She's not sure which because it was dark.

  11. Weren't they building a golf course and not a new housing development? I recall lines about hoping their house gets turned into a sand-trap and that they'll never get their balls out.

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