The Immaculate Extinction Theory

Hereterrific? Heretacular? Either way, this is a church I would join. It’s like Christianity meets Turok, meets “Kill Bill.”

Denise unwittingly inspired today’s comic by sharing this image with me.  It reminded me of a book I had as a child called “Dinosaurs and the Bible.” It was sort of like “batshit nuts propaganda for kids.” It explained how a few vague passages of scripture, a painting or two and a poem here and there proved that dinosaurs only died out about 3000 years ago. Dinosaurs were in the garden of Eden (please make this into a movie), and were on the Ark, and so forth and so on.

I encourage you to excercise your right to worship as you please, believe as you wish and whistle while you work, but if you think the entirty of Earth’s history fits into a neat little 6000 year span, you should probably stop reading this and (to paraphrase the poet) “go pound nails in your dick.”

My wife had a “science” text book at her private school that offered the idea that God put the dinosaur bones in the earth to test our faith. It also suggested that carbon dating was not to be trusted. I’m sure they had issues with the “theory” of gravity too. I believe we stick to the Earth because our hair is so heavy. That’s why bald people can fly. Look it up.


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  1. "God put the dinosaur bones in the earth to test our faith. It also suggested that carbon dating was not to be trusted"

    Our RE teacher used to tell us the very same things.

  2. Reminds me of an old Steve Martin stand-up routine where he talks about having kids and then every time you're around the kids, talk wrong.

    So then it's his first day of school and he has to go to the bathroom. So, he raises his hand and says "May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?"

    It's probably funnier when Steve says it on stage. 🙂

  3. I laughed myself into tears. Probably because it reminded me of the hypocrisy of the church across the street from my house having a "Dino hunt" at vacation bible school. Conundrum, much?

  4. And now, having proven their point about the dinosaurs, our fundie overlords are turning their attention to the fallacy of gravity:

    " heres what i think is true. there is no gravity because it doesnt make sense and ive pointed out the reasons why.

    people like you and me fall to earth under the weight of our sins and thats what keeps us on the planet. when you die, if you have accepted Christ, your sins will disappaear and you will rise up into heaven. if you however lived a life of sin, when you die the burden of your sins will pull you further down into hell

    trees and rocks dont have souls so they arent going anywhere. as for material objects that man uses, they fall to earth because they have received sin through man by touch

    god never intended man to fly this is why we are born with original sin. this is why angels can fly, they have no sins at all "

  5. The art in this comic is awesome (although the flickr pictures of Denise are way cuter than her character here). That dinosaur is so obliviously casual (which must have been problematic because their faces aren't that expressive) and Jesus looks so rugged!

    Also: getting angry about the Creationists isn't going to make them go away >.> Like… make fun all you want, but I suggest (as any scientist would) educating yourself about the science instead of getting pissy >.> This is just one of the MANY TERRIFYING common misconceptions floating around in the general public. If I got in a twist about all of them, there's NO WAY I could enjoy my life. I'd rather have a way to know what I'm talking about at any particular cocktail party and be able to walk away leaving my opponent looking like the rabid idiot, rather than getting riled up about it myself. I suppose the internet equivalent is "Don't feed the trolls…. even when they're trolling your science."

    Although that dinosaur hunt that Jillian was talking about was flat HILARIOUS. I savor it.

    Also, I am kinda sad that we never got to see velociraptor ABJECT TERROR…
    "We can run! We should run!…"
    "No… we can't… we're being…. hunted…."
    *leaping Jesus*

    That kinda thing.

    Also: The internet is aware that Jesus + Raptors = funny
    and my personal favorite

  6. i always thought that dinosaurs were jesus horses. like they weren't hunted down, but they were domesticated… with jesus love.

  7. So we've established that even the evangelicals have their biblical history wrong: Jesus killed all the 'saurs only 2000 years ago. Linguists in ancient Greek and Aramaic have also determined that due to mistranslations, it was incorrectly recorded that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey to deflate the majesty of Roman dignitaries doing the same on Horses.

    Properly translated, the texts reveal that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on baby stegosaurus, showing irreverence to the Roman lords doing so on mighty Raptors. Later, Mohammed (PBUH) made his legendary Night Flight to Jerusalem (and subsequent ascension) on the last remaining pterodactyl. Jesus was a good dino-hunter, but he missed a few of the airborne ones.

  8. Wait, what? At first I was thinking "Oh King Zilch. You're at it again with your wry wit. You irrepressible scamp." If these words were spoken/written with serious intent, then It's time to start stock piling grain in the basement. The end is nigh.

  9. Dude, you have no idea. I "wrote" this comic for over an hour, IM'd Josh, talked to my wife, etc because I couldnt condense it. I had this massive epic planned out that ended with crucified dinosaurs. I need that thing where they make cartoons from your thoughts.

  10. Yeah, it's sad how many of these people are out there and breeding. I pretty much have to keep up with this stuff, because I know my brother is going to regurgitate it at me and I want to be prepared. It doesn't matter how many times I prove him to be factually incorrect, or on what subjects – and it's been everything from Al Gore to death at Disneyland (he says no one has ever died at Disneyland; I showed him the newspaper clippings) – he actually responded to one of my debunking emails once with "facts are not important, fervor is."

    Sums it up, right there.

  11. You missed an opportunity to plug your extra content for donating users. C'mon man!

    "See the crucified dinosaurs, only three shillings, two for the ladies, kids see for free! Extry, Extry!"

  12. I feel you. My in-laws actually believe this nonsense and try to indoctrinate my daughter into the woowoo clan every chance they get. Thankfully shes pretty sharp (she's been on the Principal's List 3 years running [better than just Honor Roll {not that I'm bragging or anything}]) and her favorite subject is science so even at 10 she can recognize a load of BS when she hears it.

  13. Somewhere recently (can't find it–rats) was an article about how evolution has brought us to a point where we can not only conceptualize evolution but also choose not to believe in it.

    A friend just says that anything too complicated is therefore scary to many folks, so it's easier for them simply to disbelieve.

  14. My Grandpa is worse. When I was seven years old he told me I was the reincarnation of his father. He gave me "my" keys, and asked me for advice. Pretty much all of my close relatives are like that or worse…


  15. Jesus has some killer cheekbones and some fabulously voluminous hair.

    I also love Denise's reasoning for children. I mean, what else ARE they good for?

  16. But it's not complicated AT ALL! We see it all around us. I was taught to believe that evolution was evil magic. That men immediately morphed from monkeys (which sounded ridiculous). When you just spell it out in simple english, there is no way to refute it. Water is wet, fire is hot and specie change and adapt over time.

    I bet most people that "dont believe in evolution" do believe in "survival of the fittest" and just dont realize they're the same thing.

  17. It's not complicated to you because:
    a) you have a brain
    b) you're not afraid to use it to challenge/confront challenges, sway/be swayed, learn and grow.

    Many, many (I could, like Dr. Cox, repeat "many" many more times) people get stuck on the "b" part.

  18. On a completely unrelated comic note, not sure if you are aware but your right side links & buttons don't render properly in IE7, which I know is the devil. I know, I know, what geek uses IE7 anyway… I'm that geek. Not a huge deal, but I had never personally noticed your RSS feeds and other buttons until I specifically looked for them the other day.

  19. On the topic of parents lying to their kids for fun, when my sister and I were young we went to an Anglican private school (though my family wasn't religious). Whenever anyone talked about god we would both say "yeah we know Jack, we have a photo of him at home" Everyone was always very confused until one day when a schoolkid came home with us he realized.

    Mum had a photo of Jack Nicholson from one flew over the cuckoo's nest on the wall and she had been telling us for years that that was a photo of god. Jack Nicholson is god… The whole family thought it was hilarious, we didn't so much… It's like the time they convinced us that our aunty Virginia's name used to be Vinegar until they invented it and had to change her name…

    My family is dedicated to their jokes it seems 😀

  20. A friend and I began a Jesus Christ: Dinosaur Hunter concept and started sketches and whatnot around 2004.
    We never did anything more with the idea, because I'm flighty and the time for it has long since passed, but it's nice to know that other people besides just the two of us would have thought it a funny idea.

  21. I always figured, if God created the world, and He went to so much effort to make it look like the world was five billion years old and dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago and all that, who was I to call Him a liar?

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