The Dopest

If you missed the lastest HijiNKS ENSUE comic “White Light, White Heat, White Guilt,” then… don’t. Don’t have missed it.

CRUISE FUNDRAISER UPDATE: All 100 “Bridge Collapse prints are sold! Woohoo! They arrive at my house this weekend (a week later than I anticipated) and will start shipping Monday the 20th.

I made a new eBook/iBook! It’s called “Sorry I Ruined Your Book Vol. 1″! which is available to anyone for a one time “pay what you like” donation.

I had a reader tell me via twitter he was unaware that I had a store where I sold T-shirts and books and such. WELL I CERTAINLY DO.

hijinks-ensue-store-2014-ads-winter-is-coming-print

I’m pretty sure I’ve accurately described blood doping in the panels above. You take out your blood, put stuff in it, then reput the blood back in your carcass, thus infusing said YOU with the new stuff. I can only assume this method arrose out of an athletes desire for somewhat plausible deniability. “I never took performance enhancing drugs. I just had all my blood removed, went and ran a few errands and when I came back and put my blood back in there was all these drugs in it. What am I supposed to do? Take my blood out AGAIN and run it through a Brita filter? Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the Olympic Committee, I beseech thee… believe this crazy lie so I can keep doing on these drugs because THEY MAKE ME FEEL INVINCIBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!! [headbutts the witness stand in half, leaps through the ceiling, runs into then across the ocean, is eaten by a whale]

My point is, if Lance Armstrong if guilty of anything it’s being a stone cold sports-Dracula. Like any other highly competitive sports-Dracula, he only eats blood and sometimes you get tired of the same old hemoglobin and you gots to add some taste enhancing seasoning. Also he’s guilty of perjury and all the other regular drugs he took too. What a creep.

COMMENTERS: In a bleak and dismal hypertechno future, the only way we get nourishment is by removing all of our blood, dumping it full of whatever and pumping it back into… let’s say our eyes. You get the idea. What’s your additive of choice? Red Bull? Bourbon? Sriracha? Lik-M-Aid powder?

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13 Comments

  1. Why didn't lance Armstrong think of this???

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  2. So, wait, does that make the whale guilty of doping now?

    Additive of choice: Ovalkwik. Hasn't done Sergeant Schlock any harm.

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  3. My additive of choice?

    Stimutacs, of course. They are mostly kelp, right?

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    • It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

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  4. LOL "Sweet yellow wristband of Uzbekistan!" — That's the best exclamation ever

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  5. Ken's Steak House Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing. It's low-fat.

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    • I actually drive way out of my way to get to the store that sells Ken's Steak House Red Wine Vinaigrette. Perhaps I shall try your flavor next time, as well.

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  6. what's weird is three of the webcomics I read had a thing about coffee today.

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  7. Ah, replacing all the blood in a body, a.k.a. the Keith Richards treatment.

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  8. Vegemite.

    I would blood-dope with deliciously beery yeast extract, and constantly be in a state of Vitamin B12 overload.

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  9. Chocolate and Nutmeg with a dash of caffeine to give me that winner's edge!

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  10. Seriously… no one has said "bacon grease" yet?

    I think that would be the best incentive to exercise. If you're full of bacon grease and don't exercise, you turn into a jelly blob that can't move. But if you get up, run around and sweat – the grease will be flowing and pumping, and your sweat will smell like sweet, sweet bacon.
    Every dog in the neighborhood will be your friend. And men will love you… etc., etc.

    Reply

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