The Cloverfield Monster is Sexually Agressive


!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

Wait, that generally goes before the spoilers in question, doesn’t it? Oh well. I’ve ruined the most hyped movie ever for each of you. At least when you get to the theater you can watch all the unlucky numbskulls that have no idea what’s going to happen and gloat. Then, right about minute 31:24, you can stand up and yell, “I HOPE HE DOESN’T FUCK THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S HEAD OFF! THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR OUR NATION!” Then it happens and you look like some kind of Nostradamus clairvoyant badass. Then the whole theater raises you aloft on their shoulders and sings songs of your praises and roasts pigs and pheasants in your honor.

J.J. Abrams has a stiffness in his pants for viral marketing. The Lost Experience was fun for about 30 seconds then it got to be like a second job with no pay and shitty hours. You’d be canceling plans with real people so you could decipher patterns in jpg artifacts, or decode numerological meanings behind secret whispered message played in reverse. It ended up being much easier to wait for the super internet squad to do all the work and post their findings on YouTube. In the end “the experience” gave away basically all the secrets of the island, the numbers, the universe and everything. The weird part is no one seems to remember any of the details since NONE of this information has ever been discussed in the show.

In like fashion, the viral marketing for Cloverfield has been permeating the very fiber of the intertron for the last 8 months or so. Hell, I was making fun of it back in August when we thought it was going to be a Cthulu movie (which would have been rad X infinity). It’s gone by the code names Slusho, 1-18-08 and Project Cloverfield (which was actually a mistake to begin with). I’m getting tired of this calculated and formulaic peaking of my geek interest through shakey-cam viral videos, and dummy websites.

I was seriously expecting to go to this movie, sit through the trailors, then get 30 minutes of black screen after which J.J. Abrams comes out and says, “Psyche” or possibly the more elegant, “Pwn3d.” Then maybe a banner than says “Star Trek: Christmas 2008.” Best. Viral. Ad. Ever.

Here’s some Cloverfield links to chew on while you wait to see the movie (some spoilers):

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43 Comments

  1. Whatever! Soon enough that will be their tag line.
    “CLOVERFIELD ON DVD. NOW UNRATED WITH EXTENDED STATUE FACE-RAPING SCENE!”

  2. I wish I had even a few spare bucks so I could go see the movie, but I’ll have to wait until it comes out on dvd, by which point it will have been ruined for me by some twit or another.

    Another great comic. What’s with the lack of blank templates? Those of us with no artistic skill need some outlet other than masturbation.

    • I was only getting 1 or 2 entries per comic. There didnt seem to be much interest. I will start this feature back up later when there is a larger audience.

        • My plan was to get a lot of submission, post them in a forum and let readers vote on their favorites. Im just not there yet. You’ll be the first to know when it’s back. Also, feel free to take them into photoshop, white out the words and edit to your heart’s content. I have no problems with that.

        • Hah! That perfect. It was exactly like getting face humped by a giant monster. Except the giant monster was an apathetic tech support guy. I am NOT kidding when I say that during my call he asked me how to get on the front page of Digg, because he wanted to do it too. We talked about this INSTEAD of getting my site back up.

        • I aims to please. I don’t know much about bluehost, but it sounds about as good as my last host, ipower. I usually dealt with people so stupid that I knew more than them. And I’m a fucking idiot!

          I’ve been using dreamhost for a while, with only a few issues. And any I had were resolved quickly. They also have this thing on the contact support page where you can check your level of intelligence from a list. Like, Dumb it down for me, I know a few things, I am very knowledgeable about these things or I probably know more than you. It’s cool because they cater the answers to match your designated knowledge level.

          Anyway, glad to see how much the site is taking off.

          BTW, the sneak peek comic you linked to on twitter was a riot, especially panel three.

  3. “numerological” – That’s such a long word. heh

    So, in general, did you actually enjoy the movie? Would you recommend the theater experience?

    (BTW – There are still two email subscription boxes for the comments here, so I’m checking both to see how that works out. Maybe they’ll negate each other and cause the universe to implode… or, maybe I’ll just get two email notifications.)

    • Oh, uhhh. I still havent seen it yet. I do these things on pure conjecture and hearsay.
      I have a fix for the two subscription boxes issue. There are a few things broken in the nested comments plugin and some dude posted instruction for how to fix them. I tried once but the code exploded and broke the site. I’ll read it more carefully and try again soon.

  4. GOTDAMMIT JOEL…!

    CUT MAN! I have been scrambling to skip the image and the gotdamned text! just give it ONE MORE DAY so some of us can see the film ‘in the dark’, then go apeshit.

    You loyal fan,
    Don

  5. I would like to say that I have indeed seen this film.

    Now, first off, I don’t like thrillers, but when one of your job perks includes presceenings, you go to every damned one you can (that’s how I ended up suffering through Love in the Time of Cholera, much sex, no cholera) so of course I had to see this one.

    Gonna say it, and you can’t stop me: past the first 30 min (which you saw most of in trailers) it’s kinda mediocre. And I got dizzy a few times. The end.

    • YAY! LJ Commenters on my site!

      I heard about the nausea issues. Someone suggested bringing dramamine. I have an inner ear/vertigo condition, so i wonder how bad this is going to be for me.

      • Do. I have a cast-iron stomach for things of that nature. It’s ALL hand held. If Blair Witch bothered you, take the medicine. This will evoke pretty much the same reaction.

    • 3 hours on the phone and upgraded hosting package and all is well. About 50K page views that were registered after the site came back up. Good times.

    • Your argument is poignant. Im actually not seeing it in the theater since SO MANY people have told me it induces vomiting. Shakey cam has caused me to wait 3-6 months.

  6. First: do not sit closer than the midpoint of the theater. Peripheral vision is NOT how to view this film.

    Second: Expect to see scenes reminiscent of recent events in real life. Consider, when watching, that said events demonstrated the actual amount of debris, dust, and light blockage that would occur in this instance. It’s art imitating life for simple visual realism.

    Third: expect to tolerate the vapid twentysomethings, who like you have been raised on American entertainment that contributes to their lack of depth.

    That said, enjoy the OH MY GOD IT’S EATING PEOPLE!!!

    • I will probably be waiting for DVD to enjoy the people eatage. The fact that I saw a sign in the theater when I went to Sweeney Todd last night warning movie goers that Cloverfield had effects similar to “riding a roller coaster,” was enough to make me think twice.

      • Well, I loved the Blair Witch, so I guess the shaky-cam doesn’t bother me like it does others. But I won’t be able to afford it until it comes out on video anyway, so I’m sure the effects will be negated on my tv.

      • It’s not like riding a roller coaster. It’s not like those VR-5 ride capsules or Star Tours. It’s some guy running down the street holding a video camera. If you’ve ever used a video camera yourself while walking or running, then watched the footage without getting motion sickness, you won’t have a problem.

        Sheesh. Wimps.

        Oh wait, there is ONE SCENE where the guy holding the camera enters a helicopter, and it takes off as he films out the window. It lasts ONE MINUTE.

  7. Cloverfield? Pssht, more like Cloverfailed.

    I’m not gonna throw down 9 bucks to see this crap, I’m gonna wait for Ironman, or Batman…

    • Cloverfailed! HAH! That’s great.

      Man, I watched Batman begins again last night. This franchise would have to try specifically to not be fantastic…well Spiderman did it. Regardless, I am entirely psyched for the Dark Knight.

      • Was that a hint of sarcasm I detected?

        Eh, whatever.

        Can’t wait for the new superhero movies. Daredevil and Ghost Rider were both effing terrible, and I wasn’t very partial to Spiderman.

        Ironman looks like it has the potential to suck, but hopefully not. Batman looks cool, though. If they’re both bad, then my faith in humanity will be completely depleted.

        • NO SARCASM! Batman Begins delivered on ALL promises and exceeded all expectations. It was effing great. Christian Bale is my #1 hetero man-crush. He’s a bad ass for the ages.

          As a matter of fact, he should just BE Batman from here on out. Like in his daily life. In other moveis he should still be Batman. At the grocery store, he should be Batman.

        • I've got to side with Joel here. I fucking love Bale. He was the perfect Batman. And, actually, if you discount Batman 2, Keaton was pretty damn swell. Clooney? Well, put him in a decent Batman film and I'd judge him on that. I couldn't sit through that movie again.

        • Yeah, he was awesome in American Psycho. But personally, I think that George Clooney makes the best Batman. He was so awesome that he actually balanced out Robins gheyness.

          Batman at the grocery store? Now I have a mental image of Chad Vader and Batman dueling in the produce section. Batman would throw a batarang through a lettuce stand, and Vader would push over a bunch of lemon boxes with the force. Yeah… That’d be awesome.

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