The Adverse Effects Of Climate Change

They are only $15! They will never be printed again, so get ’em while you can.

Thanks for forgiving Monday and Tuesday’s absent comics. My wife and I had been working on Book 2 for 5 days straight with very little sleep and I just didn’t have the energy to create anything else. The good news is we turned the files over to the printer yesterday afternoon and then I went to sleep for 12 hours.  All that’s left is for Canadian book-witches to magic them into existence. Then frost giants will carry them by the pallet to America, and I in turn will ship them out to you. It might be more like early March instead of late February. We’ll see how quickly the Canadian are able to etch each page into living stone and earth (this is the only way Canadians know how to make books). The best news of all is that I was able to accomplish 100% of what I set out to do with the book. I am extremely proud of it, and I think you will enjoy it. You can still PREORDER BOOK 2 if you haven’t already. This will be one of your only opportunities to get an artist edition other than at conventions.

Speaking of barren, icy wastelands: IT IS AS COLD AS A WARLOCKS BALLS IN DALLAS! The city, which is supposed to be playing host to nearly a million visitors this week, is for all intents and purposes shut down. People up north talk about us like we’re pussies because we freak out when we get an inch or two of snow. The reasons we freak out are A) we lack to infrastructure to navigate the snow (shovels, sand trucks, snow chains, patience, kindness) B) The news tells us specifically, in no uncertain terms to start freaking out. The treat it like the end times, and encourage us to resort to hoarding and survivalism. C) You can’t shoot snow and ice, which is the default way Texans would solve most problems. I mean you CAN shoot it, but it’s still going to be there long after you’ve run out of ammo (which is saying a lot in Texas).

Yesterday I watched a recycling truck attempt to turn around in my cul de sac and get stuck. The driver’s only recourse was to spin his 6 enormous tires at full speed for 20 minutes while the massive vehicle remained completely motionless. I can only assume he was hoping the either the friction or his frustration would eventually melt the ice.

Returning to the idea of a million sports type people helping to cripple our newly Arctic metroplex, I saw a commercial last week that aimed to teach Dallas natives how to treat our visitors. It featured some Dallas Cowboy dude… Tony Roma? No, that’s a restaurant. Whoever he was, he informed us that soon we would be playing host to a million Superbowl enthusiasts, and that we should show them how great Dallas is by treating them with respect and kindness. I seriously got the impression that he was saying, “Look, Dallas, the neighbors are coming over for dinner and you better not act like a bunch of monkeys – jumping all over the furniture and screaming like animals. We are trying to impress these people so they want to come back again, and I’ll have NONE of your shenanigans.” I also kind got this subtext message of, “I understand these people aren’t necessarily Cowboys fans. Please… PLEASE do not assault them, throw things at them, hit them with bats, run them over with your pickups, or murder them in any fashion. Just as a favor to me, Sportsguy McGee.”

They’ve also been doing rolling blackouts all over Dallas since yesterday because the power company can apparently cool six million homes when it’s 108 degrees all summer, but can’t heat those same homes when it’s 17 degrees with a windchill of 1. I have a feeling all of the power is being diverted to an array of space-based blow dryers that are aimed directly at Cowboys Stadium. You know… priorities and all.

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  1. Glad to see a new comic! (Also glad I am not in the snow in Texas.)

    I'm always bemused by how I love your comics, Joel, but really dislike your T-shirts. But since nobody is in fact forcing me to buy a "keep your laws off my ovipositor" shirt, I guess I should just shut up. 🙂

    • Glad you enjoy the comics, but taking the time to let me know how much you dont like my shirts pretty much cancels out the compliment. Id keep that kind of non-constructive feedback to yourself if its all the same. No better way to ruin someone's mood than to tell them how something they worked really hard on "just doesnt do it for you."

  2. I about cracked up when I read this. I am in Fort Worth, so it really hits home. Thank you for the much needed laugh!

    • "Looks up temps in Canada"

      Wait it's warmer in Edmonton, serioudly Canada, shut up. You had cold going for you, but when it'sd colder in Dallas than Edmonton, you lose your street cred.

        • LOL, now the great Republic of Texas knows what the rest of the country (except for America's wang and the balls of Cali) feel like.
          If it makes you feel any better, at least you aren't in Chicago…they were ready to sacrifice people to the snow daemons to make it stop.

          • Good thing they didn't. Sacrificing to the Snow Daemons doesn't stop them, it gives them more power. Ending a blizzard requires mass fornication on the High Altar of the God Sol. I thought everyone knew that…

        • No – you are as close to the mark as a blind drunk Manchester united fan is when making room for more lager.

          Coldest large urban center is usually – now I repeat – "usually" Winnipeg aka winterpeg.
          Actual coldest spot in Canada – check the weater pages but here – see for yourself –
          The High today in Iqualut is a balmy -29 Centigrade. (yeah that temperature scale the rest of the world and scientists & engineers use)

          • It's been unseasonably warm up here in the middle of BC (more or less on the same latitude as Edmonton) for the past several years (which is why th epine beetles are eating all our trees; the cold usually stops them), but while it's hovering around freezing today, and last week it was -20c (about say -3F), when we first moved up back in 2003 when the region was experiencing it's usual climate, we had to buy a new thermometer that went down to -50c because our usual one only went down to -40 and that wasn't quite deep enough to give us the actual temperature. Fifty degrees below freezing!! That's, like, -60F, and the NORMAL temp for winter up here. Mind you, it broke 40+c in the summer (ahhhhhhhhhh!!! 😀 Call it 105F) so there was some compensation.

            Still, the entire Lower Mainland and most of Vancouver Island would have frozen solid, snapped off, and even now be drifting past California in a giant Canadian cranberry iceberg if they got temps like that. Hll, they panic at about +10C, and one snowflake will shut the city down for hours. I know because I lived there for years. As was said previously, if you don't usually get those temps then your infrastructure just isn't equipped to deal with it; and without at least snow tires on everyone, then the lack of snow ploughs is crippling, let alone without the knowledge of how to drive in the snow.

  3. I work at a nuclear plant southwest of Ft. Worth. I have had to come into work everyday this week because apparently y'all need electricity. For those in Texas who are avoiding the snowdemonium and staying inside, you may shower me with your thanks and presents, you are welcome.

    Oh yeah, great comic Joel, perfectly describes how we are down here in Texas the second the weather turns icy. And I am going to be stealing the word snowdemonium until the ice goes away kthx.

      • By southwest I mean a good 60 miles southwest, they have to build them farther away from cities because of the whole nuclear part. We are one of a couple power plants that hasn't been affected by the cold weather in Texas and thats why its rolling blackouts instead of just one big power outage, ERCOT is shutting off your power because the loss of the other plants is causing grid problems. Other plants have been dealing with the cold causing problems they don't normally have and have shut down.

  4. Hilarious comic. I started giggling out loud at the first "Jerr-el" and didn't stop.

    Early March is a fantastic time to send my a book. It will be like a time-traveling birthday gift from my past self.

    • That's what we call the other season in OH, when it isn't "Contstruction". We only have two seasons now, Construction, and Blizzard.

  5. I used to drive a snowplow up here in Maryland. We get hit with snow on occassion but nothing really serious. Still, people feared driving in the snow so much that they would abandon their cars on the street. I can't tell you the amount of joy I took in "gently nudging" them out of the way so others could pass, all to the cheers of a grateful populace. I felt like Optimus Prime.

    • Which begs the question, why wasnt there a Snowplow transformer? I also hope you sang the "Mr Plow" song to yourself every day.

      • Yeah, don't feel too ashamed at the shutdown. I live in Baltimore (up near YANKEE LAND, north of I-10) and a good six inches can gammahooch the whole town. We get snow every year, you'd think folks would be used to it.

        But, we've got plows and salt out the wazoo and our state's highway department tends to get it done well. Even that blizzard from hell last February, the one where we got near two feet of snow one day and then another foot or so the next. It took 'em a week solid, but they got us out. Three feet of snow is CRAZY TIME, man.

  6. I do love when the south gets some snow. I was in Atlanta once and it snowed about an 1, and the news was literally telling people to hoard food, water, and gasoline. Aparently it takes at least 20" to shut us down here in Chicago. Still no complaining, I got to play on my X-box all day.

    • I agree. I had to go to Ohio this weekend and drove back to Chicago on Monday (yeah, it was fun). As much as the five foot snow drifts here suck, there was seriously an inch of ice on everything from southern Ohio to Indy, which is way way way way worse. In fact, most of the buildings in Indy looked like they could be support towers in the Fortress of Solitude.

    • the biggest difference is that since it happens only once a year or so we have no way of coping with it. There is no real infrastructure in place to keep up functional. There arent enough sand/salt trucks, no one owns a shovel, no one owns snow chains, etc. The city quite literally shuts down.

      • I live in Arlington and have been stuck in my house for 4 days. My work has been wisely shut down or closed early. Sadly all I hear about on the news are complaints from out of towners coming for the super bowl. If it had been last week the weather would have been perfect. Next week it would have been fine too. Just bad luck it happened this week and bad luck Texas can't deal with snow or ice.
        P.S. your comic rocks.

  7. In south Texas, we are still waiting for the snow. We have been promised snow and ice for tonight. If it materializes, it will be total chaos tomorrow morning. Then we will be all right because it will be gone by noon.

  8. yeah, the rolling blackouts were a result of supply-side issues, not demand. apparently the pipes froze in a number of our power plants (didn't they get the constant memos about wrapping the pipes???) and so they went offline. fewer plants -> less power -> the local elementary school goes dark. what a FUN place to live, right? i especially loved the interview on the radio yesterday of a couple who moved here from boston to escape bad winters. they'd lost power 5 different times during the morning AND their pipes froze. yippee-ki-ay MF!!!

  9. Flat?? Someday you will need to venture from the northern exurbs of Baja Oklahoma and come visit us down in the Bearplex in central Dallas. It took IRL Josh a while to get home last night in his 4W Urban Assault Vehicle. Our house is on a hill and the street out back is an ice slide..wheeeeee!
    Apparently his Cubbiness made it safely to Gearbox this afternoon to work.

  10. London here in the UK is pretty much the same…. If we get just a few inches of snow London closes. Raelly is rather pathetic.

  11. haha im still cracking up at Jerr-El! Another awesome comic! Good thing im here in florida enjoying the weather in the upper 70s. The weather dips below 60 here and people start wrapping their pipes and covering up plants.

  12. Two weeks ago there were places here in Minnesota with temps at -46F. Not wind chills. Thankfully here in Minneapolis it was only -25F. It's actually warmer now, with it being 2F with a wind chill of around -10F.

    I must laugh, though. Traditionally it's the Minnesotans who talk about the weather almost constantly, and yet it looks as if I'm the first from Mimal's hat!

  13. Since I live in the Caribbean, I've never lived through stuff like that. Don't worry, I'll wear shorts outside tomorrow in your honor.

  14. Carrollton tx here… can we call it the Snowpocalpse or Iceapalooza? Either way, you are beyond teh awesome for this comic. Come on over for some cocoa… if you can make it out of the driveway.

  15. Im in fort worth and I already placed 3 seperate Domino's deliveries for the day… and all are 30minutes apart.
    yes I am hilariously evil, yes i'm serious, yes i love pizza especially pizza soaked in the tears and curses of delivery drivers…

    I'm originally from germany, i was out yesterday in a T-shirt and shoveled snow at 4pm with a smile on my face.

    incidentally the strip is quite good, definitely accurate.
    will you grace our presence at ALL Con this year?

  16. The fun part of Austin's little snowfall…. last night it was sleeting!
    Yes, there was evil lurking under that innocent-looking snow!
    The news reported 118 accidents in 15 minutes!
    We look forward to black ice, in the morning, from the melted snow.

    • "y'all's" would imply i take some sort of ownership over this Aik-Man or his team of Aikmen. I have no idea who that is.

  17. as a minnesotan, I am going to point and laugh at you texan pussies, letting a little cold get to you. here in minnesota, we get hot weather in the summer and cold weather in the winter, the worst of both worlds.
    …I fucking hate it here.

  18. We were looking for ocean current energy and came across your HijiNKS ENSUE – The Adverse Effects Of Climate Change page. My greatest concern is sustainable energy, unless we stop using polluting fossil fuels the world is going to be in serious trouble.
    I am surprised scientists are not looking at using more renewable energy like Tidal Energy kind of like Crowd Energy LLC. If we dont solve this problem today its going to get worse.
    Have a nice day, Fulmer

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