Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Wit’s End

For those of you playing the Hijinks Ensue home game (score cards available at Kroger with any purchase of a 20 oz. soda or can of Pringles) thats (2) comics about pirates and (2) mentions of forced sexual intercourse between bears and men.

The first Pirates was pure movie-going fun. It was a simple story (thank god Disney didn’t make a movie about the Tea Cups) but visually enriched, jaunting in its pace, and action-packed (the movie was literally PACKED with various actions). The sequel was equally enjoyable and achieved things with Octopus-face technology previously thought possible only in maritime nightmares. The threequel, however, was really just the REST of the 2nd movie. I get it. I took the red pill. I know what the Matrix is, Cowboy Curtis. And much like the Matrix 3pete, the 3rd one was a turd.

The movie stretches itself thin while struggling to retcon a bunch a bullshit about Pirates of the world sharing a common bond and noble way of life (in the same way modern day murderers and rapists will give each other a knowing wink and nod when they pass in the grocery store). Then theres a 20 minute segment with Witty Jack in Pirate Purgatory. As it turns out, Hell is other pirates. Specifically other Jack Sparrows. Jack is damned for what seemed like an eternity to captain the Black Rock Pearl on an ocean of desert salt crewed entirely by copies of himself. Johnny Depp with 40 other Johnny Depps. You know he’d hit that. Unwashed dopple-johnny (depp-ganger?) orgies would abound.

I was hoping the Keith Richards’ cameo would provide some much needed entertainment value. His performance wasn’t just sublime, it was subliminal. Blink and you’d miss it. Oh and just in case you don’t understand that Keith is a musician of sorts, he holds a guitar in his scene to clarify things.

3 hours and $25 (Buncha-Crunch be expensive, yo) later a Jamaican lady grew 200 feet tall and I went home.

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  1. Great comic! Haven’t seen the movie yet, since my sister (who is a fan of both depp and bloom, if by fan you mean raving stalker) said that watching the movie sucked out all the happiness of her life.

  2. @ That Asian


    Yeah, do yourself a favor and DON’T see the movie. Rewatch the first one 7 or 8 times then clutch the DVD in your white knuckled grasp as you steadily rock back and forth in the corner sobbing uncontrollably, “Why Jack Sparrow!? Why!?”

    Later as your parents consult a psychologist you can sit cross legged in a chair, brushing your hair out with a wire bristly brush mumbling, “i’m a pretty girl… such a pretty girl….”

    At least that was MY reaction.

  3. Jesus Joel,

    You are hilarious. By the by, I must put in my two cents, Matrix 3 SUCKED! I was so amazed and astonished upon seeing the first one “Yay!” , then I saw the second and I was like “ehh…. oh no”, then halfway thru the 3rd I was yanking my eyes out with my bare hands and holding my cell up to my crotch hoping to end all possibility of procreation, thereby not propagating this cruel joke we call life. The end.

  4. Hahahahahahahahahahahhaa!
    Oh my god i couldn't stop laughing after "i'd rather have my eyes fucked out by a bear"
    but the funny just kept coming!
    "We can fix it in post" can't tell you how many times that gets said on set.
    A standing ovation.
    This comic is priceless.

  5. I actually interpreted the multiple Jacks as a sign that he was going insane. Like a visual sign of voices in his head.
    I think the Keith Richards cameo was a nod to some random's comment that 'pirates were the rockstars of he 18th century' but it was too short. Seriously, either give the man some decent screentime, or just don't bother.
    Still, it was good for lulz and random action sequences. That was, uh, pretty much it.

  6. I don't remember much about Pirates 2 and 3… I think they were equally bad, but maybe 2 was better.

    If I remember correctly, Matrix 2 was a lot more horrible than the third one, mostly because it was so dull.

    For extra credit, the Star Wars prequels- they went from mega terrible (Episode 1) to entertaining goofy fun (Episode 3).

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