200 Years Of Parenting

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Sometimes, as a parent, you have to put your foot down. You have to show a little tough love. Sometimes this means seeing your child’s laptop only has 5% battery left, but you don’t plug it in. You LET it die, because you know you told your kid to plug it in when it was below 10% and they didn’t. You LET them experience an entire 8 minute car ride to the grocery store without a full screen, digital entertainment experience. You bite your lip, and power through the tears. You hold your ground and you stand firm. You FORCE them to make do with their tablet, their phone, their smart watch, their 3DS and, in case theirs dies, your phone and also your iPad and probably your Kindle Fire and maybe just bring your laptop in case the other stuff doesn’t cut it.

Hey, Honda, Chevy and whoever else is listening: You wanna make a car that absolutely EVERY SINGLE PARENT in America will buy? Regardless of the size, fuel economy or price, just make it so up to five kids can play Minecraft simultaneously in the back seats. Put in the headrests or the consoles or where the airbags used to be. I mean, something has to go to make room for all the Minecraft hardware. Don’t even bother naming it. Call it “The Car Where All The Kids Can Play Minecraft While They’re In The Car.” Don’t even show a picture of it in the ads. Just a black screen with those words. Don’t even paint it. Use those stick on letters to write “Minecraft Car” on the windshield. Other parents will crane their necks and “ooh” and “ahh” like it was a god damn Tesla. Have a second 40 gallon fuel tank that JUST powers the Minecraft server’s battery. Make it ONLY run off a mixture of premium unleaded, and in-season avocados. NO ONE WILL CARE. Stuff the seats with scorpions and replace the steering wheel with a length of loose chain. You’ll sell a MILLION of them.

Call me. We’ll talk numbers.

Barking Orders

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I started saying the phrase in panel 2 in the booth at San Diego Comic-con this year every time someone told me to do something. I don’t know what precipitated it, but I felt if I didn’t exorcise this demon in comic form I would forever be running around screaming dumb shit at strangers. The more I think about it, this is fate that I have no real chance of escaping given my chosen profession.

People With Idiot Cat Brains: Dinner Time

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Our cats, Tivo and Replay, have extremely specific dietary needs. Not about what type of food they eat, but about how, when and in what orientation it’s served. Replay can’t eat, even with a completely full bowl, until my wife has acknowledged the bowl by physically touching it. He then bores a hole through the food with his face until he reaches the bottom, and screams until someone shakes the bowl and he can no longer see the offending white plastic. I’ve considered taking a picture of his food, printing it out and glueing it to the bottom of his bowl. But, if I follow through with that plan, who is really the pet? Me or him?

Tivo likes to eat when Replay eats, but Replay only wants to eat Tivo’s food. If Tivo picks the first bowl, “FUCK YOU THAT’S REPLAY’S BOWL!” If he waits until Replay chooses a bowl then takes the other, “FUCK YOU THAT IS ALSO REPLAY’S BOWL YOU MAKE ME CRAZY WHY DO YOU MAKE ME BE LIKE THIS?!?!?” Tivo like to scrape a few pieces of food into his water, then stare and them like, “How in the natural FUCK did that get in there?” He’ll splash them about for a bit, then occasionally cry until someone removes them and gives him clean water.

We let these things live in our homes. On purpose.

I hope you like the People With Idiot Cat Brains, because I’m doing a few comics with them.

Crime And PUNishment

There was a dude in my high school named Phuc Nguyen. Whenever you want, I guess… LAAAAAAAADIES! Am I right? Goodbye forever. *walks into the ocean

If you’ve enjoyed this first month and a half or so of Sharksplode comics, perhaps you’d consider becoming a patron. $1, $3 or $5 a month REALLY goes a long way toward me actually getting to pay my bills just from making comics. Weird, right?

Captain’s Prerogative

I’m at San Diego Comic-con RIGHT NOW at the Cyanide & Happiness booth (#1234)! Come say hi, buy and a print and get a sketch from me and the Explosm boys.

Here’s another resurrected and recolored and COMPLETELY redrawn FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original, much smaller, and much more blue version HERE.

I showed this comic, as well as some behind the scenes aspects of the creative process to my Patreon Patrons earlier this week.

Wesley obviously wants Picard to be his dad. I always imagine the two of them in that scene from Boogie Nights with Heather Graham and Julianne Moore:

Wesley: “Captain?”
Picard: *comes up from doing a rail of coke off of a deactivated Data’s boner, “Yeah?”
Wesley: “I want you to be my dad. I’m going to ask you if you’re my dad and when I do, I want you to say yes.” *chops up a line with an isolinear optical chip
Picard: “Ok.”
Wesley: “Are YOU my dad?”
Picard: “Yes. YES!”
*both cry into a pile of cocaine while the ship is being overrun by Romulans

Sharksploders: Which fictional character would you like to have for a parent and why?