Use It Or Lose It

I’m at San Diego Comic-con RIGHT NOW at the Cyanide & Happiness booth (#1234)! Come say hi, buy and a print and get a sketch from me and the Explosm boys.

The rollover medics! That’s how they get ya! This is basically me trying to understand every communication I have with my insurance company. About a month ago I almost cut my thumb off with an exacto knife, and rather than just go to the hospital, I held a towel over the gushing wound while my wife tried to figure out how much it might cost to get my hand sewn back together by a professional flesh seamstress. I’m grateful for the Affordable Care Act, in so much as I am self employed (or professionally unemployed) and for the first time in 9 years I do HAVE health insurance. But nothing about the ACA requires insurance companies to be clear with their language or comprehensible by a thinking human in any way. Eventually we decided that it would either cost $250 or one hundred million dollars. We chose to glue my hand back into it’s original configuration and go on with out lives. Many weeks later and I have a small scar and ALMOST full feeling in my thumb.

Sharksploders: Have you ever had an “I SHOULD GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM… or maybe I can fix this at home!” moment? No? Just me? I might have decision making problems.

With The Lights Out

I’m headed to San Diego Comic-con RIGHT NOW! Starting Wednesday, I’ll be at the Cyanide & Happiness booth (#1234)! Come say hi, buy and a print and get a sketch from me and the Explosm boys.

My Patreon Patrons get to see an early versions of my comics, read it before anyone else and see lots of other cool behind the scenes stuff.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

I’m headed to San Diego Comic-con TOMORROW! Starting Wednesday, I’ll be at the Cyanide & Happiness booth (#1234)! Come say hi, buy and a print and get a sketch from me and the Explosm boys.

My Patreon Patrons got to see an early version of this comic and read it before anyone else.

Sharksploders: Do you have any recurring stress dreams?

Think Only Tree

Look at these t-shirts I made for you! Look at them, then complete the necessary steps to own them! There’s even one of the very comic on THIS PAGE!

Here’s another resurrected and recolored FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original, much smaller, and much more orange version HERE.

Sharing Size

THIS ISN’T AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL COMIC ABOUT ME! SHUT UP! NO IT ISN’T! I’M NOT UGLY CRYING YOU’RE UGLY CRYING! YOU’RE THE ONE! YOOOOOOOU’RE THEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOONE!!! *ugly cries into a Nestle Cookies & Cream bar for 20 minutes

Remember like 5-10 years ago when a big bag of M&M’s was just a BIG BAG of M&M’s? It was just an option. A choice. Do I want some M&M’s or do I want some-and-a-half M&M’s? Now the slightly bigger bag of M&M’s has all this preloaded judgement and shame. First of all, it provides the nutritional information for one serving, then goes on to the describe the bag as something like two and a half servings. A bit of nearly impossible math later and you feel bad for wanting to eat 28 M&M’s instead of 11. Then, as the panels above suggest, the bag is labeled “Sharing Size.” This is a masterful one-two punch of shame. First, it implies that only a gross garbage monster would eat the entire bag in one sitting. THEN it goes on to imply that only a gross garbage monster with no friends would eat ANY amount of M&M’s alone! This bag isn’t for you! It’s for you AND your friends! Call them up, “Hey dudes! You got plans for tonight? NOT ANY MORE! I’ve got a Nestle Crunch bar that breaks into 4 pieces and explicitly states that it is to be shared with my buddies! You’ll bring the beer and the music? SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING CANDY BAR PARTY!!!”

“Sharing Size” is such a horseshit excuse. It’s a smokescreen; a cop-out that absolves the candy company from any wrong doing if you eat a million candy bars and die in a chocolate ditch. “We told him to share. Did he heed our words?” Big candy bars used to be called “King Size.” Some still carry this nomenclature and I prefer it by far. It’s the exact opposite of “Sharing Size.” “King Size” implies that I am the sole RULER of this candy bar, and under no obligation to parse it out to the peasants groveling in their own squalor in the mucky fields far beneath the chocolate tower that contains my delicious throne. “Oh, the serfs are unhappy, you say? Let them eat SHIT, cuz the candy is for THE KING! It says so right on the wrapper.”