Not Enough Pizzaz

My Patrons got EIGHT TOTALLY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YESTERDAY’S COMIC with totally different jokes!!! WHAT?!?!? I KNOW!!!

Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance work lately (which distracts me from making comics) to make ends meet, and I’ve agreed to attend more conventions this year than I really feel comfortable with (which REALLY distracts me from making comics) out of financial fear. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.


For the past few years, all of Domino’s “PIZZA’s*” advertising has centered around them apologizing for what they do and how they do it. First they had a commercial apologizing for how their sauce tasted, and how their crust was like a day old bagel ate a shoebox. Then they had an entire ad campaign about how terrible they are at answering the phone, and how you should just order through their app if you actually wanted to get a pizza between now and the heat death of the The Universe. So they spent millions of dollars to tell the world they they make bad food, but they want to try to make better food, and they suck at answering the phone, so you should probably just stop calling.

It all feels like a trick designed to make the consumer feel sorry for them. Somehow it plays into their master scheme of dropping the word “pizza” from their title altogether. Perhaps their hope is in 50 years people won’t even remember that “Domino’s Hot Wingz, Turkey Wrapz, Diet Pepzizzz and Toazter Ztrudels” used to actually sell pizza. Yeah, they’re rewriting their own narrative! Maybe they’ll start systematically assassinating (sorry, PIZZAssinating) anyone who remembers ordering a pizza from them. There are worse reasons for mass genocide, I suppose. What tole will these Pizza Wars take? Will the streets run red with the sauce of non-believers? Will I be unable to defend my life and the lives of my family because my hands are all gross and slippery from the half pound of garlic leavings they dredge every slice of pizza in? Jesus, what is up with that crust? It’s like when a kid fucks up an art project so they just cover the whole thing with glitter, hoping no one will look at it too closely. Anway, take up arms against those who would be your toppings and Vive La PIZZistance! 

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  1. Eh, I dunno.. Back in the day, sure, we called ’em ‘Dominos Death Disks’ (no, not making that up!), but frankly when it was late on a Friday or Saturday night, up gaming with a bunch of friends and you’re all getting hungry, that was often the one choice there was that would deliver, and while you wouldn’t want the leftovers after they’d been sitting in the ‘fridge overnight (which is, by the way, the yardstick by which the worth of any pizza is judged: how does it taste the next day?) it was better than eating *nothing*.

    These days I don’t game anymore, and discovered that eating regular pizza does some very ugly things to my health, and Dominos has a gluten-free crust that isn’t awful, and they’ll make a pizza on it for you just about any way you want it made — including with extra sauce, which is the way I like it, and their marinara isn’t half bad. Doesn’t hurt that they’re literally 5 minutes walk from my front door, either. Meanwhile a top-shelf pizza restaurant like Round Table (which back in the day used to be my go-to for pizza) *still* doesn’t have a gluten-free option. So screw them, they lose, they get nothing, and if I really want pizza, it’s Dominos.

    ..oh, and anyone who gives me crap about the ‘gluten free’ thing will get a nine-inch stiletto jammed into their left eye socket, so just don’t go there, k?

  2. Oddly, Domino’s has a rather good reputation in the UK. That’s not to say it’s particularly *good* pizza. I mean, if you eat one then the salt content is so high it literally drains the all liquid from your body; you need a half-gallon saline drip on standby. But it’s certainly not the worst and when you order they actually deliver on time.

    • Yeah, it’s sort of the same in Australia. At least, when I get Domino’s Pizza, other people aren’t like, ‘Ewww, what the f***, man?’. It’s more like a ‘I respect your life choices, but don’t expect me to eat that.’

  3. With this comment, I feel like I’m running a higher risk of getting internet-judged than I would commenting on gender issues or ethics in something or other, but… Boy, this is harder than I thought… Um… Okay… Hrgh… Well…

    You see, I like Domino’s Pizza. At least, around my neck of the woods. I have noticed that their consistency from region to region is non-existent, though, so be kind to me.

    • Fear not friend, I too am a member of the frightened, hidden minority that is Domino’s-lovers. And by “lovers” I more mean “tolerators” or “non-loathers”, but a rare people nonetheless. Granted, I’ll eat near anything put in front of me, and when I’ve had Domino’s I’m never particularly sober. Or paying. BUT STILL, I’ve had much worse.

    • I recently had occasion to eat Domino’s pizza for the first time in many years, when someone else had ordered it, and I ate it because it was there and I was hungry.

      it was surprisingly good, unlike my recollection of the way it used to be when I was in college, and we ate it because it was the only food (and I use the term “food” loosely here) we could get late nights on campus after all the on-campus food vendors closed, and no one had transportation.

  4. Domino’s is pretty solid in my neck of the woods. It’s not the greatest pizza (that would be Ceasars) but its only a block away, makes consistently good vegetarian pie, and gets here quick. They even gave us a free pizza once because they messed up and made too many.

    As you can imagine, we order from them a lot when no one feels like cooking.

  5. Sort of related, but I remember when I first moved to Ontario, Canada, I saw the restaurant chain called “Pizza Pizza.” I thought it was a joke. I never imagined someone actually naming a pizza joint “Pizza Pizza.” Even though I’ve been here over 11 years now, I still find it very odd.

  6. I think you’ve just had bad Domino’s all your life, man. I’ve eaten pizza from two Domino’s in my area, and it’s been excellent. Much better than most pizza you normally get in Texas, at least. Still not quite as good as east coast pizzas, but still good.

    • There’s one in our neighborhood who has a “tricked out” toyota Corolla, which is to say he has screwed a mismatched spoiler into the trunk, put the Domino’s website on the bumper with sticky letters, and put a big racing stripe with a number down the side with, I don’t know, duct tape? It’s a treat whenever we see it.

  7. To be fair, most fast food makes me feel like the entirety of panel three.

    So, they are not alone.

    Also, I am not sure about other peoples’ taste buds. David Willis thinks Burger King is better than Wendy’s. I have had both and cannot agree.

    And I spent my early formative years in the Midwest, too. But then I learned vegetables should not come from a can. And that they can taste good, when not from a can. Also potatoes. No boxed potatoes. Christ.

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