2015-09-24-sharksplode-not-enough-pizzaz

Not Enough Pizzaz

2015-09-24-sharksplode-not-enough-pizzaz

My Patrons got EIGHT TOTALLY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YESTERDAY’S COMIC with totally different jokes!!! WHAT?!?!? I KNOW!!!

Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance work lately (which distracts me from making comics) to make ends meet, and I’ve agreed to attend more conventions this year than I really feel comfortable with (which REALLY distracts me from making comics) out of financial fear. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.

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For the past few years, all of Domino’s “PIZZA’s*” advertising has centered around them apologizing for what they do and how they do it. First they had a commercial apologizing for how their sauce tasted, and how their crust was like a day old bagel ate a shoebox. Then they had an entire ad campaign about how terrible they are at answering the phone, and how you should just order through their app if you actually wanted to get a pizza between now and the heat death of the The Universe. So they spent millions of dollars to tell the world they they make bad food, but they want to try to make better food, and they suck at answering the phone, so you should probably just stop calling.

It all feels like a trick designed to make the consumer feel sorry for them. Somehow it plays into their master scheme of dropping the word “pizza” from their title altogether. Perhaps their hope is in 50 years people won’t even remember that “Domino’s Hot Wingz, Turkey Wrapz, Diet Pepzizzz and Toazter Ztrudels” used to actually sell pizza. Yeah, they’re rewriting their own narrative! Maybe they’ll start systematically assassinating (sorry, PIZZAssinating) anyone who remembers ordering a pizza from them. There are worse reasons for mass genocide, I suppose. What tole will these Pizza Wars take? Will the streets run red with the sauce of non-believers? Will I be unable to defend my life and the lives of my family because my hands are all gross and slippery from the half pound of garlic leavings they dredge every slice of pizza in? Jesus, what is up with that crust? It’s like when a kid fucks up an art project so they just cover the whole thing with glitter, hoping no one will look at it too closely. Anway, take up arms against those who would be your toppings and Vive La PIZZistance! 

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I’m At The Pizza Hut. I’m At The Taco Bell.

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Fighting Time Lords hoodies are at Sharksplode right now! Wibbly Wobbly Hoodie Warmy! 

Pizza is a vegetable, pepper spray is a food product, rubber bullets are legumes and tear gas is just really enthusiastic onions.

COMMENTERS: Please find more “healthy” foods and weapons to put a “positive spin” on. Jelly doughnuts are fruit, tacos are salad boats with optional meat and a sniper rifle fired through a can of cheeze-whiz is a your recommended daily dose of dairy.