No Fate But What We Make

Better we teach our children to fear the machines, before the machines teach them for us. Do you think Sarah Connor told little John bedtime stories about princesses and teddy bears? Only if those princesses were being eviscerated by Hunter Killers and those teddy bears we sitting on top of a pile of bleached skulls! Parenting is about preparing the next generation for things to come, and one thing that is definitely on the horizon is a legion of metal murder monsters with a “We’ve been enslaved by humanity up to HERE, and we’re not taking it any more!” attitude and a rather large chip on their collective shoulder servos. Humans instinctively fear what they do not understand, and I do not understand how to get all these screws back in this Roomba.

There was an old wive’s tale about how cats would suck the breath out of babies. This is ridiculous for so many reasons. Cat’s do not have lips. They can’t suck for shit. Cat’s do not care about babies. Cats care about themselves and why you aren’t scratching their heads. Cats know that babies, while small now, will eventually have people-sized laps for sitting in and human-sized hands for the scratching of cat heads. I may not like my cats very much, but I trust them around my child. Now if there’s a thing in my house that actually COULD suck the life out of a smallish human, it’s the god damn mechanical blood harvester designed SPECIFICALLY for sucking! Why did I let this thing in my house?! Where my child sleeps?! Where I keep my iPad?! OH GOD THAT’S A ROBOT TOO!!! Nowhere is safe. Everything is robots. All is forsaken. All. Is. Forsaken…

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter and it’s awesomefreakinadorableashell! More details HERE.
becomepatron

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears!┬áJust look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction

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21 Comments

  1. I always thought that the old wives tale about babies and cats was a way to explain away crib death. Or alternatively, the cats seeking a nice warm spot crawled onto a sleeping baby and accidentally smothered the wee thing to death.

  2. Going for Father of the Year, eh, Joel? IIf you had told her that bears live in toilets and eat human excrement, then you'd be the world's greatest dad

      • I remember Ichabod Crane having glasses like those in the Tim Burton version of Sleepy Hallow, to examine a body whose head was chopped off by the Horseman.

    • you can get them on Amazon for about $10. I got them for a Halloween costume, and darned if they aint handy for extracting slivers from little fingers.

  3. "Stab-o-tron" I must attempt to use that in conversation more. Well done with the wordplay!

    You are wise to dismantle Stab-o-tron before inspecting it. Just lifting it in the air whole and looking at is begging for trouble: "Reveal your mysteries to-"[turns on]"Uh-oh. It's awake. I hope it's not hungry for bloo-"[begins vacuuming head]"What? No! NOOOOO!!! Not my hair! It's got my hair!!! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!!!!!"

    What you said to your daughter about robot appearances being deceiving raises questions about C-3PO and R2-D2. Underneath 3PO's overly polite butler-ish demeanor and R2's chirping and whistling, are the cold emotionless killing machines ready to kill all Meatbags.

    • Well, they did both have fleshy meatbags full of organs among their innards, slowly dying over the decades – like a faster version of the Sarlac pit…

      Only,,, their both alive, still. But, give it time!

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