After listening to Kevin Costner testify about how he would fix the Gulf oil spill, I kind of get the impression he bought a “Magnificent Oil Machine” kit out of the back of a Boy’s Life magazine. Though I can see him, gills clogged with syrupy crude, clutching sea turtles in his webbed toes and sea-shepherding them to safety. It’s a tough life for The Mariner. He is more at home with the dolphins and giant mutated sea turtles (it turns out he wasn’t actually able to save them) than he is with humans. His only comfort is that in the ocean, no one can see you cry.
So how is it that actors go about getting face time with congress? Is there a special clip board somewhere in Washington they just have to sign up on?
Name: Costner, Kevin
Occupation: Actor, Director, Ichthyosapien, Amateur Science Enthusiast
Reason for addressing Congress: I bought a patent for a macine that eats water and oil (mixed) and craps water and oil (separated)
Even James Cameron proposed shooting arrows tipped with Unobtanium at the gushing pipeline or some such. That’s an imaginative idea. He should make movies. My challenge to you: How would a particular actor/celebrity solve the oil spill crisis? Perhaps Morgan Freeman could narrate as Tim Robbins crawled through the pipeline with a very large bag of clean clothes tied to his ankle.
- Kevin Costner Testifies Before Congress On Gulf Oil Spill (VIDEO)
- Waterworld star Kevin Costner will clean up the BP oil spill
- James Cameron On Gulf Oil Spill, Talks Cleanup Ideas (VIDEO)
Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!
There is also a PRINT of this design too!
I don't understand how Kevin Costner is getting as much attention as he is. From what I understand, he reinvented the centrifuge. Am I missing something?
Edward James Olmos would stare intently at the oil and tell it to "Get off my ocean!"
Or he'd inspire some disadvantaged inner city youths to clean it, through hard work and determination.
Legitimate LOL at the first one.
Yes, one of the CNN talking heads had an intense interview with him in some sort of dinghy-paddleboat thing to fill the 24/7 cycle and what he would do.
No offense to the EJO, but I was expecting him to find someone from BP and punch him in the babymaker a few times, then stuff him in the pipe.
Or he might glare at it and growl "You're done here."
At which point the oil would know it's place and leave.
Or the oil would shoot him in the chest….
Shia TheBeef would stare at it for a second, then run away screaming “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO”
We should get Desmond down there…
Clint Eastwood would make a racist comment at the oil and tell it to F-OFF…and it would.
Sigourney Weaver (aka Ripley), would get into a vehicle or mech of some sort and set it all alight via a flamethrower shrieking, “Stay away from her, bitch!” all the while protecting a small child who is standing on a beach not far from the action….
I disagree. She'd nuke it from orbit. (it's the only way to be sure.)
sigh…it has to be said….
Samuel L. Jackson:
Enough is enough! I have had it with this motherf*cking oil in this motherf*cking Ocean!
And then an oilshark would eat him.
Daniel Day Lewis will take a long straw and reeeaaaccch across the gulf…
I drink your massive oil spill….I drink it all up!
Bruce Willis would stop the oil flow with nothing but awesomeness! Then say something pithy/humorous in Jersey-speak…
Perhaps he'd make a…
That will only work for David Caruso, but still funny tho.
Jerry Orbach would've made that line the funniest thing ever!!
Or he'd put the oil slick in a corner!
RIP Detective Briscoe. 🙁
Yippie kah yea mother fucker!
Mike Myers would yell at the slick in a bad Scottish accent.
Sure, it'll be funny at first – but when he's still doing it 10 years from now, it'll seem kind of sad.
Congress should go to @donttrythis, Jaime Hyneman, and the rest of the Mythbusters team and get them to science us out of this.
Ted McGinley will join the slick, destroying it in the process.
This may be too obvious…
Michael Bay would detonate it with 15 tons more explosives than are needed
Nuke the pipe (fridge)?
Ricky Gervais would do so pithily. Then Steve Carrell would do it later, and everyone would remember that one.
I think Ron Jeremy should swim down and plug the hole with his goods. I'm just sayin.
Scott Baio would like to replace the pumps with younger, hipper ones.
Mark Hamill might be able to penetrate its outer defenses in a small, one-man submarine. Setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the well shouldn't be much harder than bullseyeing a womp rat. Like he did in his T16 back home.
I LOVE the back of Boy's Life! So much fun to imagine being a crazy inventor!
Sean Connery would pinch the oil in an unmentionable place, say "You know you like it, sweetheart" and the oil would leave to file a lawsuit.
Michael Shanks would use his acsended powers to will the spill to reverse, then appear nearby naked because the others frown on that sort of thing…
OMG! I can't believe not a single person brought this up…Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris would punch the oil back into the ground, making it into dinosaurs again, then feed the CEO of BP to the dinos, just to teach him a lesson.
Then, he'd squeeze the dinos back into oil, putting the oil into nice metal barrels labeled "Chuck Sweet Light Polite" (as opposed to crude…don't look at me, it's 1:30am EST)
Or, insert your preferred Chuck Norris-ism here…it's like sorbet for your brain. Enjoy!
No, Chuck Norris would go to the beach, dip one toe in the water, then run away, sobbing "owie cold mommy owie!"
BLASPHEMY!!! How dare you mock the Almighty Chuck?!! Thou shalt be roundhouse kicked to Hell!
You're feedin' the trolls. And if you feed the trolls, they win.
Also on the topic of "Chucks," Zachary Levi would look at the oil, flash on it, and invent a species of algae that eats the oil and craps nitrogen bubbles.
"Chuck Norris would punch the oil back into the ground, making it into dinosaurs again"
"Even James Cameron proposed shooting arrows tipped with Unobtanium at the gushing pipeline or some such." – hijinksensue
You know the sad thing? Every source I read about the next Avatar movie says it's gonna be ocean based, so there's no way in hell this doesn't find it's way into the script somehow.
Alan Tudyk arrives at the beach expecting a fertile land but finds oil. "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, oil" he cries out. He dives into the ocean with a tiny pistol to fight the oil spill but is outmatched but it's massive size. It's okay though because while you thought he was a dopey sidekick he's actually ALPHA and he slices open the oil spills face. Backed into a corner the oil spill lashes out with a piece of tire leftover from the "junk shot" and knocks Alan to the ground. The oil spill approaches, expecting victory, but it turns out that Alan Tudyk is not Alpha pretending to be Wash but in fact a V disguised as Alpha pretending to be Wash. V-Alpha-Wash uses his V magic to fix the oil spill and everyone is happy. Suddenly Alan Tudyk is impaled by a harpoon and dies instantly.
Come to think of it, the only Alan Tudyk (HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE HIS LAST NAME?!) role where his character didn't say something stupid (that's right, I said it!), suffer an out-of-nowhere death, or turn evil was Wat the Squire from "A Knight's Tale". Maybe that's just me.
If you'd like another fun (ironically non-dying) memory of Alan Tudyk, watch Death at a funeral (The real one, from the UK)
Pronounced "two dick." And yet his last name is completely unrelated to his popularity with the ladies.
I'm sorry I went there. But that seriously is the pronunciation.
Summer Glau does a super-mad pirouette around the circumference of the leak which causes a whirlpool to grow until the centrifugal force lifts the entire section of ocean and oil together out of the sea. Then, with her awesome terminator powers, she uses one foot to block the leak while throwing the oil/water ball into the sun, where the resulting explosion causes a cool light display.
Ripley from Aliens would nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
why's there a painting of a robot vagina behind him?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman will learn the ways of the oil slick, and mimic them on film for an oscar winning performance.
Oh and is that pee in the water bottle?
1970s Superman flies around the globe to turn back time and reverse the leak.
Unfortunately this just causes the oil to splatter all over the world and make a bigger mess.
Mike Rowe will go down in a diving bell to clean out the sump and patch the pipe. The leak won't get fixed, but cameraman Doug will get stuck in a tar patch to everyone's amusement.
We could get Glenn Beck to call the oil spill a Nazi and ask if this is really what the founding fathers would have wanted from our American Oil. Then we can throw him, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Neil Cavuto, and Sarah Palin in the hole to try to cap it. It may not stop the oil, but at least five toxic holes would be closed forever.
Arnold Schwarzenegger would travel back in time to kill the oil spill's mother
Why was I hearing his "voice" as Mayor Adam West in Family Guy???
When it first came up, before I read the text, that's who I thought it was.
Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, and Ben Affleck will be called in to teach underwater divers how to repair the leak. Unfortunately, they can't teach the necessary skills in time, so they and their crew of roughnecks will go down in two submarines to fix the leak. One guy goes insane with the pressure, and starts shooting everyone with a machine gun that just happened to be on board. But our heroes manage to save the day anyway.
George Lucas would fix it, and everyone would claim its the greatest thing he's ever done. 2 decades later, he would break it, and claim "It's better this way. This is the way it was meant to be".
George Lucas will fix it….in post production.
Aquapocalypse aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaahaaaa! I love your comic and I LOVE that line!!!
I think Bruce Willis would probably put his back to the ocean, turn his head to look over his right shoulder while squinting with pursed lips. His intention would be to to show the Oil Slick that John McClane has just bested you in a game of bad-assery. Yippykya!
Jackie Chan would attack the oil by doing amazing flips off of boats and brooms and chairs and look amazing but accomplish nothing. Oh and then he'll make a crappy remake of an 80s franchise…
Tell Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise, and Pat Robertson that the oil pipe is actually leaking autistic gay thetans. They'll find a way to plug that leak even if they have to stuff it with their followers.
You're all forgeting the obvious choice: Christian Bale. He'll growl at the oil spill in his Batman voice while striking from the shadows and knocking it around an interrogation room (I watched The Dark Knight on cable again), then the spill will screw with his lighting in the process. Christian will get really pissed off, curse at the spill until it feels ashamed and retreats back to the ocean floor. Or he'll chase it down there, weilding a chainsaw in his birthday suit. Anybody have something for Michael Cane to do?
Michael Caine would stand on a ridge of sand looking out at the ocean and shout 'Stop spraying. Bloody oil. At me.' and it would stop despite having overwhelming odds.
Gaius and Six will walk through the spill and say "All of this has happened before…
He once charmed oil out of water… just because he could
The Most Interesting Man in the World
The Doctor could make a ridiculously minute adjustment to his sonic screwdriver, and just in the nick of time!- no more oil.
Bob Newhart will wake up and tell Suzanne Pleshette that it was all a dream.
The crew of the NC-1701B will come back in a hijacked Klingon Bird of Prey, and steal the last two whales unaffected by the oil spill, because in the future, all sea life is killed by this damn thing. Still, it will be amusing to listen to Walter Koenig ask where the "Nuclear Wessels" are kept.
And Keptin….it is the Enterprise…
Angelina Jolie would adopt it.
I was going to say Bradjolina would adopt all the baby birds whose parents died as a result of the oil slick, but if they adopt it, I guess Madonna can adopt the baby birds.
Well the oil is black after all….
Nathan Fillion would make some hammy comments at the oil spill before getting fed up and shooting at it. The oil spill (who is of course wearing full body armor) would proceed to beat the crap out of him. Then Nathan Fillion would realize he can't beat the oil spill and he'd run away, escaping just in the nick of time. Eventually the day would be saved. Temporarily, at least.
There would probably also be a musical number and a great deal more hammy comments.
"How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?"
Eli's grandmother would get to it, but she's so sleepy….
I'm just waiting for the debut of the world's most inappropriate Bounty commercial.
I just have to say, you all win the internet this week.
I still say MacGyver would've fixed the leak weeks ago with a ballpoint pen and a paperclip.
Don't forget duct tape and his Swiss Army knife.
Whatever you do, don't let MacGruber get involved.
Rush Limbaugh would claim that the oil slick was not born here in America, thus disqualifying it from being categorized as the President of American Oil Spills and making it the problem of another country.
He would then snort some oxycontin off the arse of a hooker while chanting "Rush Rush Rush Rush Rush" and bouncing up and down like a hippopotamus that has to pee.
Ok, so this has nothing to do with this comic, BUT… When are you gonna feature DOCTOR WHO!!!! Doctor Who is absolutely brilliant, with an incredible history as science fiction royalty, and it only get better. The past 2-3 seasons have been pure genius, and this new season is turning out to be pretty awesome as well. Please tell me you've seen Doctor Who? Or your nerd cred will seriously suffer.
David Duchovny and Nicholas Lea would be invaded in every orifice by the oil slick and then spend the next week puking it up into a spaceship…
…William Shatner would use it as lube for an encounter with any woman whom he sees; Chris Pine would do the same thing, but use it for an encounter with his universe's McCoy…
…Halle Berry would push James Marsden into the oil, make no discernable difference to anything and somehow still win an Oscar.
…Al Pacino would deliver a stirring speech to the oil, delivered as loudly as possible.
…Jeff Goldblum would show up as a scientist and steal the spotlight from the slick.
… Ben Stiller would annoy the oil, and would insist on only showing up at the beach if Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Will Ferrel also came along.
…Sigourney Weaver would nuke the entire site from orbit, just to be sure.
…Robert Englund would hurl victims into the oil whilst quipping "OIL be back!" "Sorry to be so CRUDE!" "Time to die, SLICK!" and so on. Jackie Earl Haley would do the same thing only less campily and be reviled by critics.
I get it!