Mr. Fish Goes To Washington

After listening to Kevin Costner testify about how he would fix the Gulf oil spill, I kind of get the impression he bought a “Magnificent Oil Machine” kit out of the back of a Boy’s Life magazine. Though I can see him, gills clogged with syrupy crude, clutching sea turtles in his webbed toes and sea-shepherding them to safety. It’s a tough life for The Mariner. He is more at home with the dolphins and giant mutated sea turtles (it turns out he wasn’t actually able to save them) than he is with humans. His only comfort is that in the ocean, no one can see you cry.

So how is it that actors go about getting face time with congress? Is there a special clip board somewhere in Washington they just have to sign up on?

Name: Costner, Kevin
Occupation: Actor, Director, Ichthyosapien, Amateur Science Enthusiast
Reason for addressing Congress: I bought a patent for a macine that eats water and oil (mixed) and craps water and oil (separated)

Even James Cameron proposed shooting arrows tipped with Unobtanium at the gushing pipeline or some such. That’s an imaginative idea. He should make movies. My challenge to you: How would a particular actor/celebrity solve the oil spill crisis? Perhaps Morgan Freeman could narrate as Tim Robbins crawled through the pipeline with a very large bag of clean clothes tied to his ankle.

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  1. Edward James Olmos would stare intently at the oil and tell it to "Get off my ocean!"

    Or he'd inspire some disadvantaged inner city youths to clean it, through hard work and determination.

  2. Sigourney Weaver (aka Ripley), would get into a vehicle or mech of some sort and set it all alight via a flamethrower shrieking, “Stay away from her, bitch!” all the while protecting a small child who is standing on a beach not far from the action….

  3. sigh…it has to be said….

    Samuel L. Jackson:

    Enough is enough! I have had it with this motherf*cking oil in this motherf*cking Ocean!

  4. Bruce Willis would stop the oil flow with nothing but awesomeness! Then say something pithy/humorous in Jersey-speak…

  5. Mike Myers would yell at the slick in a bad Scottish accent.

    Sure, it'll be funny at first – but when he's still doing it 10 years from now, it'll seem kind of sad.

  6. Ricky Gervais would do so pithily. Then Steve Carrell would do it later, and everyone would remember that one.

  7. Mark Hamill might be able to penetrate its outer defenses in a small, one-man submarine. Setting off a chain reaction that would destroy the well shouldn't be much harder than bullseyeing a womp rat. Like he did in his T16 back home.

  8. Sean Connery would pinch the oil in an unmentionable place, say "You know you like it, sweetheart" and the oil would leave to file a lawsuit.

  9. Michael Shanks would use his acsended powers to will the spill to reverse, then appear nearby naked because the others frown on that sort of thing…

  10. OMG! I can't believe not a single person brought this up…Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris would punch the oil back into the ground, making it into dinosaurs again, then feed the CEO of BP to the dinos, just to teach him a lesson.
    Then, he'd squeeze the dinos back into oil, putting the oil into nice metal barrels labeled "Chuck Sweet Light Polite" (as opposed to crude…don't look at me, it's 1:30am EST)

    Or, insert your preferred Chuck Norris-ism here…it's like sorbet for your brain. Enjoy!

  11. "Even James Cameron proposed shooting arrows tipped with Unobtanium at the gushing pipeline or some such." – hijinksensue

    You know the sad thing? Every source I read about the next Avatar movie says it's gonna be ocean based, so there's no way in hell this doesn't find it's way into the script somehow.

  12. Alan Tudyk arrives at the beach expecting a fertile land but finds oil. "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, oil" he cries out. He dives into the ocean with a tiny pistol to fight the oil spill but is outmatched but it's massive size. It's okay though because while you thought he was a dopey sidekick he's actually ALPHA and he slices open the oil spills face. Backed into a corner the oil spill lashes out with a piece of tire leftover from the "junk shot" and knocks Alan to the ground. The oil spill approaches, expecting victory, but it turns out that Alan Tudyk is not Alpha pretending to be Wash but in fact a V disguised as Alpha pretending to be Wash. V-Alpha-Wash uses his V magic to fix the oil spill and everyone is happy. Suddenly Alan Tudyk is impaled by a harpoon and dies instantly.

    • Come to think of it, the only Alan Tudyk (HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE HIS LAST NAME?!) role where his character didn't say something stupid (that's right, I said it!), suffer an out-of-nowhere death, or turn evil was Wat the Squire from "A Knight's Tale". Maybe that's just me.

      • If you'd like another fun (ironically non-dying) memory of Alan Tudyk, watch Death at a funeral (The real one, from the UK)

  13. Summer Glau does a super-mad pirouette around the circumference of the leak which causes a whirlpool to grow until the centrifugal force lifts the entire section of ocean and oil together out of the sea. Then, with her awesome terminator powers, she uses one foot to block the leak while throwing the oil/water ball into the sun, where the resulting explosion causes a cool light display.

  14. 1970s Superman flies around the globe to turn back time and reverse the leak.

    Unfortunately this just causes the oil to splatter all over the world and make a bigger mess.

  15. Mike Rowe will go down in a diving bell to clean out the sump and patch the pipe. The leak won't get fixed, but cameraman Doug will get stuck in a tar patch to everyone's amusement.

  16. We could get Glenn Beck to call the oil spill a Nazi and ask if this is really what the founding fathers would have wanted from our American Oil. Then we can throw him, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Neil Cavuto, and Sarah Palin in the hole to try to cap it. It may not stop the oil, but at least five toxic holes would be closed forever.

  17. Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, and Ben Affleck will be called in to teach underwater divers how to repair the leak. Unfortunately, they can't teach the necessary skills in time, so they and their crew of roughnecks will go down in two submarines to fix the leak. One guy goes insane with the pressure, and starts shooting everyone with a machine gun that just happened to be on board. But our heroes manage to save the day anyway.

  18. George Lucas would fix it, and everyone would claim its the greatest thing he's ever done. 2 decades later, he would break it, and claim "It's better this way. This is the way it was meant to be".

  19. Aquapocalypse aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaahaaaa! I love your comic and I LOVE that line!!!

    I think Bruce Willis would probably put his back to the ocean, turn his head to look over his right shoulder while squinting with pursed lips. His intention would be to to show the Oil Slick that John McClane has just bested you in a game of bad-assery. Yippykya!

  20. Jackie Chan would attack the oil by doing amazing flips off of boats and brooms and chairs and look amazing but accomplish nothing. Oh and then he'll make a crappy remake of an 80s franchise…

  21. Tell Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise, and Pat Robertson that the oil pipe is actually leaking autistic gay thetans. They'll find a way to plug that leak even if they have to stuff it with their followers.

  22. You're all forgeting the obvious choice: Christian Bale. He'll growl at the oil spill in his Batman voice while striking from the shadows and knocking it around an interrogation room (I watched The Dark Knight on cable again), then the spill will screw with his lighting in the process. Christian will get really pissed off, curse at the spill until it feels ashamed and retreats back to the ocean floor. Or he'll chase it down there, weilding a chainsaw in his birthday suit. Anybody have something for Michael Cane to do?

    • Michael Caine would stand on a ridge of sand looking out at the ocean and shout 'Stop spraying. Bloody oil. At me.' and it would stop despite having overwhelming odds.

  23. The Doctor could make a ridiculously minute adjustment to his sonic screwdriver, and just in the nick of time!- no more oil.

  24. The crew of the NC-1701B will come back in a hijacked Klingon Bird of Prey, and steal the last two whales unaffected by the oil spill, because in the future, all sea life is killed by this damn thing. Still, it will be amusing to listen to Walter Koenig ask where the "Nuclear Wessels" are kept.

  25. Nathan Fillion would make some hammy comments at the oil spill before getting fed up and shooting at it. The oil spill (who is of course wearing full body armor) would proceed to beat the crap out of him. Then Nathan Fillion would realize he can't beat the oil spill and he'd run away, escaping just in the nick of time. Eventually the day would be saved. Temporarily, at least.

    There would probably also be a musical number and a great deal more hammy comments.

  26. I just have to say, you all win the internet this week.

    I still say MacGyver would've fixed the leak weeks ago with a ballpoint pen and a paperclip.

  27. Rush Limbaugh would claim that the oil slick was not born here in America, thus disqualifying it from being categorized as the President of American Oil Spills and making it the problem of another country.

    He would then snort some oxycontin off the arse of a hooker while chanting "Rush Rush Rush Rush Rush" and bouncing up and down like a hippopotamus that has to pee.

  28. Ok, so this has nothing to do with this comic, BUT… When are you gonna feature DOCTOR WHO!!!! Doctor Who is absolutely brilliant, with an incredible history as science fiction royalty, and it only get better. The past 2-3 seasons have been pure genius, and this new season is turning out to be pretty awesome as well. Please tell me you've seen Doctor Who? Or your nerd cred will seriously suffer.

  29. David Duchovny and Nicholas Lea would be invaded in every orifice by the oil slick and then spend the next week puking it up into a spaceship…

    …William Shatner would use it as lube for an encounter with any woman whom he sees; Chris Pine would do the same thing, but use it for an encounter with his universe's McCoy…

    …Halle Berry would push James Marsden into the oil, make no discernable difference to anything and somehow still win an Oscar.

    …Al Pacino would deliver a stirring speech to the oil, delivered as loudly as possible.

    …Jeff Goldblum would show up as a scientist and steal the spotlight from the slick.

    … Ben Stiller would annoy the oil, and would insist on only showing up at the beach if Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Will Ferrel also came along.

    …Sigourney Weaver would nuke the entire site from orbit, just to be sure.

    …Robert Englund would hurl victims into the oil whilst quipping "OIL be back!" "Sorry to be so CRUDE!" "Time to die, SLICK!" and so on. Jackie Earl Haley would do the same thing only less campily and be reviled by critics.

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