Monkey Sea, Monkey Cruise

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going.Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

The Jonathan Coulton Cruise, JoCo Cruise Crazy II, is only a month away! Do you see my pants? Do you see how excited they are! EXCITEDPANTS!

A few more things you should know about JoCo Cruise Crazy II:

  • The only form of currency accepted on the ship are “secrets whispered into a beard.”
  • If Paul F. Tompkins catches you without a mustache you must answer his riddle lest you be forced to wear the “Shame Fez” and fed to a shark.
  • All island dwelling children are to be treated as hostile and you should throw bits of glass and screws into their eyes before they can lunge for your pockets (which should be filled with a jellyfish just in case).
  • There is a 24 hour buffet so revoltingly opulent as to make Poseidon himself vomit with embarrassment.
  • Should you find yourself caressing an unwilling dolphin it is best to commit to the path you have chosen and power through.
  • And finally there’s a secret gaming room on board that can’t be found on any map. You can only enter if you have a real need of it, and it’s always equipped with the right dice for the seeker’s needs.

I’ve only been on 2 proper vacations in the last decade, and one of them was sort of terrible (thanks Mexico).  Because of my poor vacation track record, I am particularly overwhelmed that not only am I getting to take my wife on a fabulously geeky cruise, but I am also going to be accompanied by a multitude of friends. From the world of Internet dick pictures, I will be joined by David “ShrimpPants” Willis and Rob “Internet Dick Pictures” DikPicter DenBleyker. From the adjacent world of geekery Internetted, w00tstocked, televised and otherwised, I will also be joined by my friends Paul, Storm, Stepto, The entire Wheaton Family, Dammit Liz, Marian, Atom & Kathleen, and quite literally a host of others. Plus John Hodgman will be there standing in judgement of us all, while John Flansburgh DJ’s the dancefloor and Paul F. Tompkins hosts karaoke! What was that thing I said about my pants? Oh yeah, excited.

I’m sure I will say this 1000 times between now and when I ask you do it again next year, but THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to all the Fancy Bastards that purchased prints to help me raise money for this trip. It most definitely would not have been possible if not for your unwavering support and intense generosity. I am going to swim with a fucking dolphin! Can you believe that shit?

COMMENTERS: Assuming you are aware of the cruise and who will be performing/ in attendance, please come up with the rest of the Secret JoCo Cruise Rules and Customs. 

CONVENTION NEWS: I am working on finalizing my convention schedule for 2012 and there are 4-5 shows that are still up in the air as of today. Luckily I can announce that I will be making my first appearance at the Calgary Expo, April 26-29 with Blind Ferret

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  1. You might not want to swim with dolphins, they can actually get pretty aggressive, despite what the media tells us

  2. [quotage] And finally there’s a secret gaming room on board that can’t be found on any map. You can only enter if you have a real need of it, and it’s always equipped with the right dice for the seeker’s needs. [quotage]
    Is that the Room of Geekquirement?

  3. Other Rules:

    – Each Official Famous Person will be issued a pencil artisanally sharpened by David Rees. These pencils will be used to stab any Sea Monkeys or Snorks who dare touch said Official Famous Person without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Hockey League, the NCAA, and a 2/3 majority of the small creatures living in John Roderick's beard.

    – If you lose your JoCo Cruise Crazy ID badge, you will not be issued another one unless you can solve a partial differential equation posed by Vi Hart within a time limit established by a random-number generator (Sum of 3d20 – 1d6 minutes).

    – A special drink called the Skullcrusher will be served at all JoCo onboard functions. A special section of the ship's infirmary will be designated for Skullcrusher recovery therapy.

    – The first person to correctly guess the total number of facial hairs of the Sea Monkey contingent will receive a special prize.

    – The first person to correctly guess the number of small creatures living in John Roderick's beard (thus enabling a precise determination of how many constitute a 2/3 majority) will be allowed to become the temporary host of those creatures until either someone requests permission to touch an Official Famous Person or disembarkation day, whichever comes first.

  4. More Other Rules/Little Known Facts:

    – Molly Lewis occasionally channels the spirit of Tiny Tim, but will not play "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" except when very, very drunk.

    – Marian Call will not fix your PC. Or Hodgman.

    – Dammit Liz should be addressed by her full name, "Sea Mistress Elizabeth of Seattle", until she allows you to use her informal name by tapping you on the left shoulder with a roll of gaffer tape.

  5. Still More Other Rules/Little Known Facts:

    – MC Frontalot will be rendered in 8-bit imagery. To that end, he will be wearing a motion-capture suit and a camera crew at all times, completely with JamesCameronVision facial camera. Sea Monkeys are requested to not ruin the shots.

  6. 1)Become web cartoonist
    2)ask people to give you monies for art so you can go on a vacation

    (??? may or may not be winning the lottery, depending on how well step 2 goes).

  7. I hear that on board the JoCo Cruise, even those geeks whom were hitherto unable to grow a bread, will find themselves growing majestic beardage. Should they try to shave it, it will only grow back faster and thicker until they surrender and except the will of the beard.
    This is also a leading reason why many people have such a hard time leaving after the cruise is done, because the magical facial hair is a part of the ship, and they must leave it behind.

  8. have fun….. just make sure it's not on a cruise on that ship that sank recently in the news…. tripped and fell into a lifeboat my a**

  9. – Irons are banned on cruise ships because they might cause a beard fire, which is the only circumstance under which Jonathan Coulton will shave and thus lose his special powers.

    I hope your excited pants are fancy enough for the parade.

  10. There's another book that involves finding something through Needing it. I'm wracking my brain now to think what it is. You can only find it once, and one of the characters hooks up with the Protagonist because they have found it before, but the Protagonist hasn't so they sort of piggy-back his Need to find it.
    HELP!!! What book series am I thinking of, it's driving me nuts!

  11. For the emotional security of passengers, 1 passenger a day will be elected 'ships counsellor' by random ballot of eligible dolphins. The uniform of the counsellor will be tight and blue. Prosthetics will be provided where there is an evident need.

  12. My picks for ironic ukulele covers of 90s pop songs:

    Aqua "Barbie Girl"
    Celine Dion "You People Will Buy Anything I Record"
    Hanson "We Kinda Look Like Little Blonde Girls." (I think I'm remembering that right…)

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