Get Off My Lido Deck!

Get Off My Lido Deck!

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt! Wiblum Wablum Tempus Wempus! MAN, it feels good to be drawing comics again. After a week of guest comics, and two weeks of Fancy Photo Comics I am pleased to be back putting pen to pixels. Still, I thought it best to transition from thinking about NOTHING BUT JoCo Cruise Crazy for the last month with a cruise-related comic. The old people on the cruise (Snorks, as we called them) seemed to be on vacation solely to have different shit to complain about. They said some truly and remarkably horrible things. Many of them racist. Most of the dialog above is a direct Snork quote with slight to extreme embellishments. Honestly I don’t really remember which Snorkisms were real and which we made up any more. By the end of the week we were hearing a bunch of heinous and terrible stuff as well as coming up with a bunch of heinous and terrible stuff. It’s all sort of blurred together. Or rather blended in a tall frosty glass with a pretty paper umbrella, a wedge of pineapple and not an ounce of regret. After a week of listening the elderly spend thousands of dollars to be upset, we sort of came to a collective conclusion. Being old is just shitty. Life, after a certain point, is complete shit and just gets shittier every single day until you die. Being awake hurts. Getting dressed hurts. Taking a crap hurts. Taking a shower is a near impossibility, hurts, and you are likely to die while doing it. This...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic BONUS!

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic BONUS!

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!! OK, NOW I’m actually done with the JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 photo comics. I’ve had a ton of fun reliving that amazing week through the medium of sequentialized funny time panels, but I’m anxious to get back to drawing dudes talking about TV. EXCITING! This comic in particular was really a blast to create since I went into it with absolutely ZERO ideas of what it was going to be about. I just started placing photos and loose narrative started to form around them. Consider this an incredibly complex Rorschach test that reveals my latent abandonment issues with women, trust issues with my wife, fear of the water and intense frugality [none of those are true except for the last one, which is true enough for all of them]. Swimming with dolphins was a singular experience. It was INCREDIBLY expensive and certainly not something I would rush to do again, but it was definitely worth it, and I have no regrets concerning my ocean mammal frolicking experience. I hesitate to even describe it, since it’s one of those experiences you kind of have to… experience before the explanation takes on any greater meaning than, “WE WERE TOTALLY SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS, BRO! IT WAS HELLA DOLPHINS ALL OVER THE PLACE!” We (6 people) swam with them (6 dolphins) for about an hour separated from the open ocean only by a manmade rock reef. The dolphins themselves were equal parts intimidating and childlike, but the overall situation was exhilarating. I think I understand Aquaman a little better. He’s still the worst super hero, but...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 5

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 5

“AND MY AXE!” shirts are discounted in the HE store! RELEASE ME, POSEIDON! RELEASE ME FROM THESE DAMNABLE CRUISE COMICS! SURELY MY DEBT IS PAID TENFOLD! MY FINGERS ARE GETTING PRUNEY AND SALT WATER IS TERRIBLE FOR MY SKIN!  Here we are, gentle traveler of the seas, at the end of of our JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic journey (SPOILERS: This is not the end. There is at least one more). After David, Rob and I were guests on the Paul and Storm Podcast (listen here), we were also the chorus line in Molly Lewis, Marian Call and Vi Hart‘s (Molly’s head is obscured by a music stand) version of the Schoolhouse Rock classic “Conjunction Junction.” Spelling “but” wrong was a last minute idea of mine that seemed to play pretty well for the audience. David’s usual “I don’t know what’s going on” facial expression really sold it. He did wear that sign for at least a few hours after the show. During our Advanced Drinking And Drawing session, there was an old (non JoCo Cruise) dude that kept slipping rob shots and demanding that he draw dogs. Within a span of 20 minutes, Rob went from a sane, rational human being to just completely worthless. By the end of it Rob was significantly destroyed with alcohol and this dude was bating him with cries of “YER SPOSE TO DRAW ME A PUG!” Rob was (and I offer ZERO exaggeration here) completely incapable of drawing the circles and rectangles that typically make up his characters, much less a particular breed of dog. I chipped in by finishing a few of his “commissions” and eventually he...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 4

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 4

EWOK STAAAAAAAAARE!!!!! My “2 or 3 JoCo Cruise Crazy Photo Comics” plan has evolved into a “stop when you run out of photos” plan. Luckily, I am nearly out of photos. I have one more proper Fancy Photo Comic planned for tomorrow and perhaps a special Dolphi-jinks photo comic for the weekend. THEN I can return to crafting actual comic’d laugh panels from raw pixel ore and pen sweat. I thank you all for indulging me during this unusually long stretch of irregular HE content. It really helps me to process the JoCo Cruise Crazy experience by getting it out in these comics. And, for those of you that appreciate them, it’s a way to give you something back for allowing me to take the trip in the first place. John Hodgman was actually trying to photo bomb (Hodg-bomb) our “prom pics” on the stairs. That in itself should be the recruitment slogan for JCCC3. “John Hodgman tried to photo bomb us! Oh, the whole boat is sold out now because of how fantastic that slogan was? Ok. Neat.” I really wish you could have seen David psyching himself up to ask for DOUBLE THE LOBSTER MEAT with his dinner. “It’s supposed to be unlimited, right? I mean how can they say no? I PAID TO BE TREATED LIKE A SPECIAL BOY GOD DAMNIT! SPECIAL BOY WANTS TWO LOBSTERS! SPECIAL BOY WANTS TWO LOBSTERS!” When he finally got to pop the shameful question and the waiter just kind of shrugged an “of course you want two lobsters you piece of shit” shrug and nodded his head in apathetic acknowledgement...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 3

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 3

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up! The Paul and Storm Podcast with guests ME, David Willis, Rob DenBleyker, Paul F. Tompkins and Joseph Scrimshaw is up now!  When you’ve been frolicking on a beautiful beach all day, eating $18 sandwiches and drinking $700 Mohitos, you will basically get into any vehicle that pulls up and claims that it will deliver you back to the boat from whence you disembarked. Be a cab, submarine, two tanks glued together or a genuine PARTY BUS. The party bus from Aruba back to the boat was an odd phenomenon. I got on it tired, full, burned beyond recognition and ready to NOT enjoy being on a PARTY BUS. Then the music started. HOLY SHIT THIS IS PARTY BUS EVERYBODY PARTY! It turns out being a regular person that allows themself to have stupid fun every once in a while is a pretty good thing. Needless to say the PARTY BUS was bouncing and David was never retrieved from the ocean. He waits there for our return. Ever vigilant. Ever soggy. I’m not sure how he showed back up in the comic a few panels later, but I’m positive he is still in the water. He is fish-kind now. He has no doubt forgotten our ways and the tongues of men and has taken a fish-bride. Many of the nerds on board JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 took a “Wifi Temperance Brigade” pledge. That did not stop them from trying...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 2

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 2

Get up on that wall! “Winter Is Coming” shirts are here!!! [based on this comic] This JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 photo comic wraps up our adventu… what? Oh, it only brings us to the end of day 2 of the cruise? Well, shit. I guess I have to do more of these. Turns out they really pack in the fun times on that boat. This one features David and Maggie, Rob (Mr. Finediner if you’re nasty), my lovely wife, Wil, Anne, Stepto & Rochelle, Ryan & Claudette, The Army Of Steptos, DAMMIT LIZ!, and Molly & her Ukulele Melee. Yes, I know that with Mogwai it’s getting them wet that makes them multiply and feeding after midnight that turns them into Gremlins. Let’s just assume the Stepto’s physiology is somewhat different than that of a small, animatronic puppet. Molly Lewis put on her “Molly Gras” performance on the Lido Deck of the boat right after the first formal night. It was windy and the sound system was being tricky. As chance would have it, I’d managed to bring exactly the cables and other misc. gear in my ukulele bag that Molly needed to make her show work. We were still short one cable and someone from the audience of gathered fancy dressers just happened to have it on their fancy person. The show went off without a hitch and was one of the many highlights of the week. The DIYN (DO IT YOURSELF, NERDS) nature of the show made it all the more special. Do you have people? Do you have a place? Do you have something enjoyable to show...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 1

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Photo Comic Part 1

They have Doctor Who references on SHIRTS now?! [Actually posted on 3/2/12] Today is the first day since returning from Poseidon’s bosom (Neptune’s boobs for you Protestants) that I no longer feel the gentle, queasy swaying of Mother Ocean rocking me to sleep. Any by sleep, I mean sick. And by sick I mean, “Get your coat so I can throw up in your coat.” Having recaptured my equilibrium, I’ve found myself scouring the Facebooks and Flickrs for additional proof beyond that of my own photos and sea-addled memories that JoCo Cruise Crazy DID ACTUALLY happen. Turns out it did, and I’m just sad it’s over and terribly missing my friends. Speaking of friends, this photo-comic is full of them. Despite the lovely David and his even lovelier wife Maggie, you will also notice the beginnings of my week long adventure with the Wheaton clan (Wil, Anne and Ryan). It is no secret that I do loves me some Wheatons. On their own (one at a time) they are merely delightful, but pile them all up together on a boat or a tropical beach and they are force of delight to be reckoned with. My wife and I ended up splitting our time and adventures between the Wheaton’s, and The Willises (David and Maggie) + The Explosms (Rob and Heather). You will see more of the ensuing adventures in the photo-comics to come, but seeing as how this comic only encapsulates the first day I am going to have to make a concerted effort NOT to make 7 or 8 more of them. I’m hoping to cull together the “greatest hits”...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Sketch/Photo Hybrid Comic Part 2

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Sketch/Photo Hybrid Comic Part 2

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!! Rob, David and I hosted an officially unofficial event on JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 called “Advanced Drinking and Drawing” (AD&D for short). The idea was, as panel one lays out, fairly simple. We (3 dude whose job it is to draw pictures on the Internet) will sit in the hot sun and drink cold drinks (purchased by YOU) and draw pictures for you until either A) said drinks run out or B) said cartoonists fall over the railing and are swallowed by what is about to be a extremely drunk whale. I have to say it was a SMASHING success. Well, it was a success and we were SMASHED. We drew for about 3 hours and there were a good 20 or so Sea Monkeys (JoCo Cruise goers) hovering around us with cocktails and shots for most of that time. The only idea I’ve ever had that approaches the genius of “Give us free booze and we will draw dick pictures for you (I DID draw David like one of my French girls)” was “give me a living wage and I will draw dick pictures for you.” While the latter may have a greater impact on the well being of myself and my family, the former is somehow more profound. Like, I want to go set up a reverse hard-lemonade stand on the side of the road and sketch lewd Batmans while strangers poor drinks down my waiting gullet. Sadly I think the success of AD&D relied more on “right place, right time, right people” than “Best idea ever, this should...
JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Sketch/Photo Hybrid Comic Part 1

JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 Fancy Sketch/Photo Hybrid Comic Part 1

Fighting Time Lords hoodies are at Sharksplode right now! Wibbly Wobbly Hoodie Warmy!  [Actually Posted on 2/29/2012] I have returned from JoCo Cruise Crazy 2 a littler older (a week older actually), a little drunker (a LOT drunker actually) and perhaps a little wiser (or perhaps the sunburn has started to affect my mind). For the last two days (Monday and Tuesday as of this Wednesday-writing), I have been utterly useless. I have essentially been napping, sleeping or in some preparatory state for either for the last 48 hours (JoCo Snooze Lazy, amirite?). The week long luxury cruise I just got back from has left me tired and in need of rest… from all the luxury… and this is something I suspect you will not feel sympathy towards me for. I am finding it hard to re-adjust to land-life. First of all, I somehow managed to bring the pitching and yawing of the ocean waves back onto land with me. I’m not even sure how I got them through customs, but I am definitely struggling for equilibrium like so many a sea-fairing,  shanty-singing scallawag. Supposedly this “land sickness” wears off in a few days, but it certainly makes giving a shit about much of anything with regards to productivity nearly impossible. The second major adjustment centers around the fact the hoards of like-dressed men and women aren’t all too happy to cater to my every demand. “More prawns!” “Right away, sir.” “You, boy! A bucket of your finest everything!” “My pleasure, m’lord.” “I’d like a butter sculpture in my likeness delivered to my room and the rooms of each of my compatriots...
Monkey Sea, Monkey Cruise

Monkey Sea, Monkey Cruise

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going. The Jonathan Coulton Cruise, JoCo Cruise Crazy II, is only a month away! Do you see my pants? Do you see how excited they are! EXCITEDPANTS! A few more things you should know about JoCo Cruise Crazy II: The only form of currency accepted on the ship are “secrets whispered into a beard.” If Paul F. Tompkins catches you without a mustache you must answer his riddle lest you be forced to wear the “Shame Fez” and fed to a shark. All island dwelling children are to be treated as hostile and you should throw bits of glass and screws into their eyes before they can lunge for your pockets (which should be filled with a jellyfish just in case). There is a 24 hour buffet so revoltingly opulent as to make Poseidon himself vomit with embarrassment. Should you find yourself caressing an unwilling dolphin it is best to commit to the path you have chosen and power through. And finally there’s a secret gaming room on board that can’t be found on any map. You can only enter if you have a real need of it, and it’s always equipped with the right dice for the seeker’s needs. I’ve only been on 2 proper vacations in the last decade, and one of them was sort of terrible (thanks Mexico).  Because of my poor vacation track record, I am particularly overwhelmed that not only am I getting to take my wife on a fabulously geeky cruise, but I am also going to be...