“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE WHUUUUUUUT?!?!? 
The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is technically over, but until the plug is pulled (today? tomorrow?) you can probably still get some cheap books and shirts HERE. I’m really sorry about the high shipping prices many Fancy Bastards have been telling me about encountering in the store. That basically defeats the purpose of having a blowout sale, doesn’t it? Oh well. I still really appreciate the support for the sale and I promise when the new, improved store opens (hopefully later this week), there will be no such problems with insane shipping prices.
PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…
Today is my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!
Eli (IRL)’s cat, Kirby (or is it Kurby? Who cares?) weighs somewhere between 30 lbs and 1/4 the mass of a neutron star. Rather than beg for food, he will usually just scoot himself into a area where food is likely to fall, and lay there, upside down, mouth agape for hours. He’s like a feline filter feeder, just floating through the ocean that is Eli’s home, allowing bits of cheese and sausage to get caught in his kitty baleen. What a giant piece of shit.
COMMENTERS: Why are cat’s such giant pieces of shit? How do your cats let you know that your sole purpose in this life is to service them? Are you a piece of furniture to them? A scratching post? A method by which food is delivered? What?! You say your cats AREN’T total assholes? Those, my delusional friend ARE NOT cats. Those are either unusually large guinea pigs or rare, african land otters.
Comments (46)
My wife and I have 5 cats, and they are all complete assholes, but we do have a fat siamese cat with no front claws and no way to defend itself that enjoys belly rubs. He also like to stick his face in your food while you are eating it, if you let his slow fat ass sneak up on you.my mother has a cat that loves black pants and black shirts. Despite our best efforts yesterday, she needed to sit as close as possible to us because we had black shirts on for a photo shoot. i think somewhere in her cat mind, she probably said “yes, shed on the black shirts!”Classic Alt-text as usual Joel! Haha…Is that mustard sauce she is feeding the cat? Feed it mouse-tard sauce. Cats love mousetard sauce. They also love mewnnaise!We have two cats, an older one and a really young one (a few months old). The young one is an asshole 24/7 to every other living thing including the bigger older cats, the bigger older ducks and the much bigger much older humans. The older cat is the exact opposite though. If she’s hungry and we’re eating she will sit at the table trying her best to sit like a human of her size would sit and look cute as hell until someone goes ‘awwww, here you go’ and gives her food.
DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago
We just moved (less than a month ago) and the trials of Nuku-Nuku (the old cat) vs. The House have been completely entertaining.
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.I’m allergic to cats AND THEY KNOW IT so they like to come up to me and wrap themselves around me and purr and cuddle my face. It doesn’t matter how stand-offish or hostile a cat normally is. I enter the room and they are all over me.Assholes.
I am also allergic to cats and have the same problem.My cats-don’t-know theory is that because I am aloof and stay away, they think, ‘thanks for respecting my space, let me reward you will rubs and letting you pet me’.
My cats-are-evil theory is that they sense my allergy and enjoy listening to my bronchial tubes close and my wheezing to death.
I think both of those are spot on assessments.I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.
You’re doing a great job making Eli and Co strong and interesting characters 😀Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from someone else’s perspective.All my wife’s cats are jerks. Either begging for food, clawing my couch, or shedding on my clothes. My cat however is the best Egyptian Siamese ever who just likes to cuddle, mostly cause I’m warm.Today’s comic was fantastic! I laughed over the cat falling into Joel’s lap, the drank 5 beers comment and the cat being fed cheese wiz! Lots of fun today!However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉
Trish · 90 weeks ago
I don’t trust any living creature that isn’t an asshole at least part of the time. Which is why I’m a cat person and not a dog person, and which also explains my choice of friends…
Dave · 90 weeks ago
The great Terry Pratchett once wrote a bit on the matter.
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
also:
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”Have you read the Sandman: Dream Country”? The second story, “A Dream of a Thousand Cats” has a very interesting theory on cats.
StephC · 90 weeks ago
This is too much like my dad and Tippy. That cat is a medicine ball with legs (he’s a heavy bastard). The last three panels are *exactly* what the interactions between Dad and Tippy are like… just add more swearing.
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.
PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
We used to foster cats for the Humane Society, but my husband is terrible at fostering and wants to keep all the kitties, so now we have SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.
And when they find your bodies, the headlines will also read, “SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.” When I was younger we had a friend of the family that was a sort of surrogate grandmother to me. She lived out in the woods and had 21… TWENTY ONE feral cats that lived on her property. She’d go to the back porch and cry, “BAAAAAAABIIIIIIES!” and twenty fucking one cats would come running out of the trees and bushes and get their food. One of them, named Hobbes, had deformed front paws and hopped on his back feet like a rabbit.PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
I have no doubts we would have 21 cats along with a pack of rescued greyhounds if we had a larger property, but we live in a 3-level townhouse, so yeah, seven is still a ridiculous number.Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.
that cat most likely died on his lap…Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings
seriously · 90 weeks ago
Why are cats such giant pieces of shit? For much the same reason babies and little kids are, they don’t know any better and are too cute to boot across the room.
Karen · 90 weeks ago
My big fat cat, Boober, is known for being an asshole. People would come to feed him if we were gone and have to face 20 lbs of pissed off cat. He even cornered someone on the stairs once and they had to fight him off with a bag of used litter.Looks like that pussy….*puts on sunglasses*
…totally wrecked your dick.
YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I like kittens, but I don’t like the fact that they grow up to be cats.
lurkie · 90 weeks ago
The trouble with a kitten is that
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash
UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago
Panel 4 EXACTLY expresses how it feels to have a CatBeast pile-drive into your sensitive areas! One of my cats loves to pick up speed on the floor, launch herself directly at my internal organs, and use the accumulated ricochet force/agony to power a giant LEAP at my other cat’s face :SLawWren · 90 weeks ago
I am a cat person. Especially evil, asshole cats. I have one that is well over 20 lbs and she knows that she is the queen and treats us all as her servants.Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.
Cats can tell a friend when they see one.
Candace · 90 weeks ago
We used to have a completely declawed Siamese that was the sweetest cat that ever lived, sweeter even than many dogs. He loved everybody and was very affectionate.OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.
Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.
And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀
My cats decide to run full speed through the house at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am- all in one night. They rip the doors apart until you open it up then just meow at you, they swipe at your ankles to demand food, they rip apart furniture just to get you to look at them.
neph sy · 90 weeks ago
I’ve owned two cats, and while they weren’t perfect, they were sweethearts who did not destroy or beg for food except near their scheduled feeding times.Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.lou · 90 weeks ago
I don’t really have a pet cat myself, but my street is the home to a cat (who’s someone else’s pet, but he roams around at will) that we call Patrol Cat. At various times of day, I’ll see him stalking the vineyard across the street from my house for varmints to eat, and sometimes I’ll catch him lounging on the sidewalk, catching some sun, and I’ll give him a belly rub. Is it wrong to just give him food from my kitchen?lou · 90 weeks ago
Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday to the missus! And I love the new direction you’re taking the strip!
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!
Kylie · 90 weeks ago
My cat knows that when the alarm goes off, he gets food. He doesn’t think I move fast enough though so he starts pushing everything off the bedside table – mobiles, lamps, glasses of water. He actually hit one so hard the other day it smashed me in the face.Little shit
PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
Yeah, we have one of those, except she doesn’t wait for the alarm. Sometime between 5am & 7am is magic wake-up time, every day.We have three cats, each assholes in their own special way.The oldest has no claws on her front paws but somehow manages to squeak her paws on closed doors so loudly she wakes us up if we lock her out of our bedroom. She used to dig in our houseplants, spreading dirt all over the carpet. She also will sometimes eat so quickly that she immediately barfs up her half chewed, undigested food which the other cats then eat.
The longhaired cat is purebred and one of the dumbest cats I’ve known. He likes to chew on wires and string, lick plastic everything, and eats things that can’t be digested that have to be surgically removed. He can be particular about food and his litter box, not eating food he doesn’t like and peeing and pooping immediately in front of the litter box if it is not to his liking.
The third cat is probably the most normal. The worst thing he does is knock things off of tables and try to escape out doors when he is not supposed to. He is also very forceful about cuddling sometimes, ramming his head into your face when you are sleeping.
Missmushu · 90 weeks ago
I have two cats; both of whom follow me around the house waiting for me to become stationary. The moment I sit or, gods forbid, lie down…they both perch inches from my face and stare at me like Hypno-toads. I get the distinct impression that they don’t so much love me as they are waiting for me to die so they can eat my face.
That cat makes me sad. ;_;