Scared Straight

NEWS NEWS NEWS!!!

HijiNKS ENSUE finally has a proper About/Characters page, and an Archive page that links to and explains the different types of comics I’ve made over the years. I’ve also updated the Support page.

My Patreon hit $750, so starting in April (the first month Patrons will be charged) HijiNKS ENSUE will have an official Monday/Wednesday/Friday update schedule and THEN it went past $1000 so every month I will do TWO HijiNKS Hangouts, where me and my awesome cartoonist/creator/maker/professional awesome person friends will hang out with you live via Google+, answer questions, tell stories, draw dicks, etc. It will be a lot like my ComfyCon Panel.

At $1500, you will be forcing me to do FOUR HE comics a week, and I am OK with that.

SEATTLE FANCY BASTARDS! Emerald City Comicon is in 2ish weeks!

David and I will be at booth #1412 [MAP] right next to Cyanide & Happiness! I will have the leftover DDDT prints, other prints, books, shirts and sketches.

I’ll be doing TWO PANELS:

“The Cyanide and Happiness Group Sketch Jam Panel” / Friday, March 28, 6:10pm, Hall B, (Rooms 608-609)
“The Experiment: Making a Living Doing What you Love” / Saturday, March 29, 6:00pm, ROOM 3AB.

More panel info HERE.

Also, make sure to follow the 6 comic guest arch Joel (“Comic Joel,” that is) will is doing over at Woody After Hours starting HERE.

COMMENTERS: Did you ever meet someone as a kid, or hear someone speak as a teen, or interact with a particular person in any way that made you say, “THAT. That is what I want to be.” Hearing Niel deGrasse Tyson talk on Cosmos (seriously, watch this show with your kids) about his encounter with Carl Sagan at 17, and how it shaped not only WHAT he wanted to become, but THE KIND OF PERSON he wanted to be really got me thinking about this.

Let’s Real Talk

NEWS NEWS NEWS!!!

For the first time in 6+ yeas, HijiNKS ENSUE has a proper About/Characters page, and an Archive page that links to and explains the different types of comics I’ve made over the years. I’ve also updated the Support page.

My Patreon blasted past the $750, so starting in April (the first month Patrons will be charged) HijiNKS ENSUE will have an official Monday/Wednesday/Friday update schedule! I am gearing up this month, so expect something very close to a M/W/F schedule for the rest of March as well.

When we hit $1000 (only $25 from now, as of this posting), I’ll start (in April) producing 2 HijiNKS Hangouts (a live streaming Google Hangout with me and some of my wonderfully interesting and funny comicer/maker friends) a month AND I will release my ukulele cover of “Let It Go” from Frozen as a thank you to all the Patrons.

At $1500 you will get FOUR HijiNKS ENSUE comics a week, Mon-Thurs. I really hope we get there, because I am looking for something to force me/guilt me into making more comics.

SEATTLE FANCY BASTARDS! Emerald City Comicon is in 2ish weeks!

David and I will be at booth #1412 [MAP] right next to Cyanide & Happiness! I will have the leftover DDDT prints, other prints, books, shirts and sketches.

I’ll be doing TWO PANELS:

More panel info HERE.

Also, make sure to follow the 6 comic guest arch Joel (“Comic Joel,” that is) will be doing over at Woody After Hours.

All Apologies

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE!!!

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will soon (like probably October 1st) live HERE.

UPDATE ON THE FANCY DIGITAL SKETCH DRIVE: If you are still waiting on your Fancy Digital Sketch, I am SUPER BACKLOGGED on these. I am very sorry it’s taking so long. Doing 50+ original pieces of finished art always sounds easy, until you agree to do it and take money for it. I am working through them, but if you need yours urgently, feel free to let me know via email.

COMMENTERS: You get what Denise is saying, right? I mean, you GET IT, right… man? What’s the best/most confusion drunksplanation you’ve ever gotten/given? Since they are basically the same, what’s the best childsplanation (a kid trying to explain something complicated to you, giving little to no context or discernible facts) you’ve ever received?

When my daughter was 4 she had a playdate with a friend and they watched a movie. She tried to tell us what the movie was in the car on the way home. There was a man who was dead, but not all the time. And a girl who didn’t know she was really a princes and the bad man did a spell. It went on like that for 20 minutes before I realized the man who was not always dead was Rasputin and the movie was Anastasia.

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

This is my wife’s birthday week! Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

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@MasonLK · 90 weeks ago

To be fair, Anastasia was a pretty screwed-up movie.

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

This became evident when we realized everything she was saying was totally accurate.

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samaelsmile· 90 weeks ago

Kudos on extending the Nirvan-y goodness another comics’ worth with the title!

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@no_relation · 90 weeks ago

I’ve always thought that the human brain on drugs and the human brain on theoretical physics were remarkably similar, just with more math. I imagine the first guy to think of string theory went like this:

“Okay, OKAY…shh, shhh, okay, what if…what if everything, like, EVERYTHING, was made of strings, man? Like, tiny little strings? And all the strings (heeheehee), all the strings were VIBRATING?!”

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Adrian · 90 weeks ago

My wife was a little loopy, but decided that would be better than being in super panic attack mode, and she sat down we me and a bunch of friends to watch Teeth. That one movie where the lady has shark teeth, y’know, down there. Well there is a scene where she dives into a lake with a guy friend and my wife innocently asks, “I wonder if her teeth are chattering.” I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

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seriously · 90 weeks ago

One time I was expecting an important phone call and had to leave the house for a few minutes. I figured they’d leave a message on my machine and that would be that.

Turns out in the fifteen minutes I was gone my sister-in-law dropped by with my 5 year old nephew to visit. And the expected phone call happened. My nephew answered the phone before she could stop him and he fervently promised whoever was on the other end he’d give me the message.

Yeah, turns out five year olds can’t take phone messages for shit.

His version of what was said basically boiled down to: “The man said to see the lady Monday, at um….I forget. But to call him back at exception um…seven hundred something. And I think his name was Lou.”

Luckily I was able to get a hold of “Lou”, whose real name was Albert, the appointment was for a Wednesday, the extension was 435, and he’d never said anything about a lady in the phone call at all.

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Zee · 90 weeks ago

I remember babysitting a five year old, and her three year old sister. The five year old went to the bathroom, and after a while, I thought she’d been gone for too long. I knocked, and she opened the door, and there was a giant puddle all over the tile. It had appeared that she filled a shoebox with water (and a rubber duckie), and then put it on the floor, where it proceeded to leak everywhere. I asked her why she had ton this, and she said that she had “accidentally, but on purpose” put the water on the floor. We went through several different variations on this, but it was always “accidentally on purpose”.

After about the third or fourth iteration, I realized that this was a child’s way of saying, “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…” laughed, and got a mop.

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

zee · 90 weeks ago

why she had “done” this

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@doublenatural · 90 weeks ago

Part of my brother’s cerebral palsy is a pretty severe speech impediment. Most of the time, I can understand, but if he’s really trying to get across a concept he will use description that only makes sense once you understand the context. This leads to fun conversations like this:

Brother: Bombs

Me: What? Are you talking about the news? (this was around the time of that chemical bomb attack in Syria and the news was on)

B: No. Bombs in the air.

Me: I have no idea. What are we talking about?

B: My birthday. Bombs in the air.

Me: ???????

It transpired he was asking if he could have FIREWORKS (because they’re bombs in the air, of course) on his birthday because it’s his 30th. He couldn’t say that because he doesn’t do w or k very well with his impediment, so he improvised.

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Kevin · 89 weeks ago

A lot of the actual conversation is lost to me, as it was me trying to explain.. I was visiting a friend and we were drinking quite a bit when I got out a bag of cookies I had brought (ziploc baggie with about 10 cookies in it?) I had a bit too much to drink, and blacked out and thought it had only been about 10 seconds when it had been about 5 minutes. All but 2 of the cookies were gone. At this point I called my female friend a fatass and got angry she had eaten all my cookies.

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1 reply · active 89 weeks ago

Kevin · 89 weeks ago

(second part got cut off.)
I then spent quite a while trying to drunkenly convince her that there had been about 30 cookies in this single small bag.

Apologies were made the following morning ..

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lou · 89 weeks ago

I think I’m better at explaining things when I’m drunk, because I’m just more talkative than when I’m sober, and as I hear myself, more witty and charming. I have dubbed this “The Bond Effect”.

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1 reply · active 89 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

I feel the same way. I’m extremely talkative as it is, and Im VERY comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people, but after a few drinks I am just ON. I find the part of my brain that can do quick joke calculations and rapid fire comebacks, and joke tags performs at peak efficiency when slightly lubricated. Then a few more drinks and I just get reeeeeeallly quiet.

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@MelfinatheBlue · 81 weeks ago

My best explanation was not given under the influence of alcohol, but instead on a medication that made me forget words. I explained all of quantum mechanics to an english major without using a single physics term (because I couldn’t remember any). Apparently it was so impressive that 6 years later he (and my friends who witnessed it) still speak of it.

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A Drinkin’ Song

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE!!!

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will soon live HERE. Big thanks to everyone that supported the blowout sale and my apologies to anyone that had to pay unusually high shipping prices. Unfortunately that problem wasn’t sorted out before the sale ended.

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

Yesterday was my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Alternate titles for this comic: “Face Down, Ass Up,” “Bound For The Floor” and “Hello Linoleum, My Old Friend.”

I used to work for a landscape company as a book keeper. I was 19 years old, I knew nothing about landscaping and even less about book keeping, but I interviewed extremely well. In fact, I’ve landed essentially every job I’ve ever interview for. Perhaps THAT should have been my job. Getting jobs. At the landscape company I worked for a tiny little man with an ENORMOUS chip on his shoulder regarding his tiny little stature. He was a temperamental little sprite and he took great joy out of bossing around his large, tall, somewhat slow-witted business partner. They had a very “George and Lenny” vibe going on. “The best laid sod of mice and men…” and what not. This little, angry dude also had a sign hung next to his desk and over his mini fridge that said “NO BEER UNTIL 5pm!” Guess what the mini fridge was full of. Day-drunk for him was apparently both a constant struggle and a way of life.

My only real experience with that early afternoon temptress, Lady Day-drunk, comes from comic conventions. It’s much easier to get through 10 hours a day at a slow convention when a reader brings you a tiny bottle of rum and you’ve sold just enough merch to afford a $9 Coke from the concession stand. Day-drunk is the Universes way of saying, “Let’s go ahead and put a stop to this crappy day before it even happens.”

COMMENTERS: What are your best and worst experiences with being (or being around someone who is) day-drunk? Was it at a festival, a funeral, at work or at home because you’re an adult, god dammit, and no one’s going to tell you 11am isn’t wine o’clock!

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@PBernhardt · 90 weeks ago

Two words: Pancake Kegger.

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seriously · 90 weeks ago

Funnily enough one morning after Christmas we wanted pancakes but realized we’d used it all making eggnog the night before.

Turns out eggnog loaded with bourbon + pancake mix = surprisingly good pancakes. And gets you slightly tipsy.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

You can substitute Egg Nog for any ingredient in any recipe and it will usually improve the situation. That’s just science .

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LazyDolphin· 90 weeks ago

This may be my favorite ever HE storyline. You’re on a roll, Joel.

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Hey thanks! I’m having fun.

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Annie B · 90 weeks ago

I must say I really like the new tangent. Before, I would skip a few comics when my RSS were too full (900+ posts is way too much to go through without marking a few categories as read), but now I make a point of reading your comic every day. Good job!

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Mission accomplished. Thanks!

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Michael Corley · 90 weeks ago

Beernana is going to be the drink of the next spring break!

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Wesley · 90 weeks ago

Best day-drunk.. can’t remember. It’s great just spending the day with friends or on a festival having fun and drinking.

Not-so-great were the burn-out days. Being by yourself, avoiding everyone because everything felt like stress and getting drunk to feel better.. except you don’t. You feel worse. It didn’t happen every day, but it was darn-well rotten not being able to cope, feeling frustrated and being too drunk to finish a damn thought.

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@RHaseman · 90 weeks ago

Festivals are the killer for me, sunstroke and alcohol share a similar relationship to fire and gas.
Being a red-head doesn’t help much either…

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moffattbooks· 90 weeks ago

first thought: man Hijinks Eli gets drunk alot, second thought: IRL Eli would have Wolverine’s healing powers then if he drank that much lol

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2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Well, A LOT of comics so far only relates to getting drunk ONCE in actual time. It’s all relative.

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mist · 90 weeks ago

Well technically if he gets drunk once early on, and stays topped up, that also counts as “only once” 🙂 (con rules.)

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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I am the most boring person alive – haven’t been drunk, let alone day-drunk, in years. But when everyone around me is getting stupid-drunk, the last thing I want is to be mentally impaired!

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2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

Trish · 90 weeks ago

Weird, cuz that’s exactly when I feel the need to be drunk. Drunk people are a lot easier to tolerate when you’re impaired.

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Judy R. Wilder · 90 weeks ago

It is good to know someone is thinking with a clear head. My biological father and Step father were both alcoholics and even though they were good men, the drinking kept them from reaching their full potential. They both died young.

A lot of people drink beer and it is the beverage of choice in many countries. I guess what I am saying is that getting plastered isn’t a solution for anything. I feel it is wrong to make people, mostly minors, think getting drunk is away to wind down or forget their troubles. It is only my opinion and I am just an ancient flower child trying to share a “little” wisdom.

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@dreadthar · 90 weeks ago

I work graveyards, so my beer 30 is at 7:30 in the morning almost every day….

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Day-drunk of the living dead?

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Bron · 90 weeks ago

I’ve always vaguely enjoyed getting sloshed during the day (when not working that day obviously) its especially nice in the summer. I especially like going out for lunch and having a drink and a chat in the pub until dinner and then maybe going to the club afterwards to play darts or some such. When I was in university we used to do that at least once a fortnight sometimes twice a week (we had Wednesday afternoons off you see, I think we were supposed to be doing sport or some other similar nonsense). We once worked out we drank about 200-300 units of alcohol between the 5 of us per session, I’m surprised we didn’t die of liver failure.

I had great difficulty with a co-worker once who turned up drunk to work a lot (or was suspected to be doing so, she became erratic after breaks) but no one could work out where she was getting alcohol from. We noticed she always smelled overwhelmingly of cheap floral perfume, turned out she was drinking the stuff, jolly strange way to go about things I must say.

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@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago

I took a French Revolution history class in college with a professor who was a monarchist, aka he thought monarchies should still rule and it was the will of god. He was a Texan who thought the Hapsburgs should rule Texan since it was once part of the Hapsburg empire.

The only way I and a few of my classmates could get through the class without screaming was with a mug full of liquor. I would make screwdrivers full of vodka with a splash of orange juice. For the final exam, I was completely drunk on a bootleg White Russian made with the rest of my vodka and Irish cream. I Aced the exam and helped get that worthless idiot fired.

It was the only time I’ve been a habitual daytime drunk.

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7 replies · active 89 weeks ago

@muinamir · 90 weeks ago

Wait… seriously? He taught a class on the French Revolution with the idea that it never should have happened at all? That’s kind of Bizarro-world fascinating.

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@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago

The class was while I was in Austria and the frightening part was that he wasn’t alone in thinking monarchies should still rule. A whole subculture in Austria (and probably other places) exists that believes all deposed royal families should be put back in the throne.

Of course the closed living descendant of the French throne is a lawyer/farmer in India, so that would be hilarious. (http://mentalfloss.com/article/51824/4-stories-everyday-royals)

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zathael · 90 weeks ago

actually, there are three more legitimate claims. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Christophe,_Pri…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Alphonse,_Duke…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henri_d%27Orl%C3%A9a…

The first is the direct descendant of Napolean, the other two of House Bourbon by way of two different family branches.

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lou · 90 weeks ago

Now I have to find out just how much territory the Hapsburgs ruled! My parents visited their old palace in Vienna, Austria, and learned they basically ruled all of Europe, but Mexico too?!
The closest I have to that drinking in class story is when I had to take an American Studies course when I went to SJSU, and we had our last regular meeting before finals in the Gordon-Bierscht microbrewery in San Jose. There we were, giving presentations on various topics, while drinking different types of GB’s original brews!

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@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago

Well when they ruled Spain, Spain still had all the colonies in the New World, so anything within the Spanish Empire between about 1500 to 1700, basically anything that was Mexico and most of Central and South America.

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Mitch H. · 90 weeks ago

Philip II (he of the Spanish Armada, widower of England’s Mary I, aka “Bloody Mary”) ruled about a third to two-fifths of the world in the early 1580s after inheriting the Portuguese throne, although his wars with his rebellious Dutch subjects and former English subjects had already started dismantling the Portuguese empire in the East Indies, and Spanish dominion in the West Indies.

And the professor was an idiot. The colony of Tejas was under a Hapsburg king for maybe fifteen years before the Bourbon succession. And the Austrian branch of the family *never* had a claim on the Spanish possessions in the New World.

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lou · 89 weeks ago

Portuguese? Philip II was King of Spain

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Bear · 90 weeks ago

Woke up around noon on a Saturday, opened the fridge, saw a beer, and thought, “Why not?”. Skip ahead ALL THE BEERS later to me waking up laying on the dog bed in the dark and thinking, “I don’t remember going to bed here last night.” I checked my phone and saw that it was 8 o’clock… in the evening. I’d managed to drink myself onto the floor in a few hours and “nap” the day away.

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@yusaku777 · 90 weeks ago

Best Day Drunk? My friend’s wedding. Ceremony was at 10am. By 10:30 we were hammered. I really don’t remember much of that day after noon or so…

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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I have 2 stories.

The first is from college.

My room mate and I picked up a bunch of little packets of slushy mix that Kool-Aid made. i don’t think they’re made anymore, sadly. We’d mix them with vodka and freeze them in solo cups and then wander around campus eating boozy slushy and nobody knew. NOBODY KNEW. Stealth drank.

The second involves breakfast.

I made some absolutely incredible bread pudding, studded with orange and bourbon soaked raisins, with an amazing bourbon sauce that was… very, very strong. So my parents came over and I made scrambled eggs and bacon and this intensely fantastic bread pudding and coffee and we all got breakfast tipsy off the bourbon sauce.

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Emmy · 90 weeks ago

There is a horse race in Australia called the Melbourne Cup, AKA ‘the race that stops a nation’. It’s held on a Tuesday, around lunchtime. Almost every office stops for the race and there’s sandwiches and champers or beer. I learnt early on not to send emails after Melbourne Cup Lunch – there is a risk that you’ll piss off soemone who you really don’t want to piss off.

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@RHaseman · 90 weeks ago

Melbourne Cup, Geelong Cup and Ballarat Cup are all occasions that have got me very day-drunk!

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beer o’clock · 90 weeks ago

II can’t count the number of times I’ve been day drunk! I’d have to say my favorite is water parks and theme parks. We would carefully unscrew lids off water bottles so that little ring would stay attached to the cap and pour in any clear Booz we wanted then re-seal them. Most parks let you take in water and not much else so we took full advantage of their naiveté.

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Bill Murphy · 90 weeks ago

There’s never a bad time to have a drink.
Hey, It’s gotta be Noon somewhere right? 😛

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bubujin_2 · 90 weeks ago

Once in college a buddy and I mixed up 3/4 of a gallon of strawberry daiquiri and took it to afternoon classes to share with our fellow students. After three classes I know we were definitely feeling a good buzz–buddy swore I was day drunk but I didn’t think so.

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Aetheling · 90 weeks ago

Last year, me and a friend mixed up White Russian and put it over cereal (Cinnamon Grahams, to be precise) to go to an 9AM lecture with breakfast after a heavy night of drunken Risk. The lecturer didn’t realise that the milk in the tupperwares…wasn’t.
Then we went home and did it again, until about three in the afternoon, when we both passed out.

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@Hermetic · 90 weeks ago

Taste of Chicago, swigging bourbon with my best friend, then stumbling around the festival, demanding that our tickets be turned into tasty food things.

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Holly · 90 weeks ago

Everyone’s favorite: the Office Christmas Party. Except I was working in a theater, and the party started at 11am. We drank during the “awards ceremony” at the theater, drank in a party bus on the way to a restaurant/arcade, drank while playing ski ball and Pacman, then drank in the party bus on the way back to work. Best. Party. Ever. One of the accountants had to call his son to pick him up from work.
The only downside: being a theater the real work actually started at 5pm. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sober up until intermission.

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Runcibletune · 90 weeks ago

While I have no day-drunk stories to relate, I want to say that I think this is one of your finest comics, Joel. Something about the pacing of the puns, juxtaposed against the way you’ve drawn Eli on the floor… it’s still making me chuckle just thinking about it!

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hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

That’s very kind. Thanks!

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Kirby Krackle

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE WHUUUUUUUT?!?!?

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is technically over, but until the plug is pulled (today? tomorrow?) you can probably still get some cheap books and shirts HERE. I’m really sorry about the high shipping prices many Fancy Bastards have been telling me about encountering in the store. That basically defeats the purpose of having a blowout sale, doesn’t it? Oh well. I still really appreciate the support for the sale and I promise when the new, improved store opens (hopefully later this week), there will be no such problems with insane shipping prices.

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

Today is my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Eli (IRL)’s cat, Kirby (or is it Kurby? Who cares?) weighs somewhere between 30 lbs and 1/4 the mass of a neutron star. Rather than beg for food, he will usually just scoot himself into a area where food is likely to fall, and lay there, upside down, mouth agape for hours. He’s like a feline filter feeder, just floating through the ocean that is Eli’s home, allowing bits of cheese and sausage to get caught in his kitty baleen. What a giant piece of shit.

COMMENTERS: Why are cat’s such giant pieces of shit? How do your cats let you know that your sole purpose in this life is to service them? Are you a piece of furniture to them? A scratching post? A method by which food is delivered? What?! You say your cats AREN’T total assholes? Those, my delusional friend ARE NOT cats. Those are either unusually large guinea pigs or rare, african land otters.

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@dreadthar · 90 weeks ago

My wife and I have 5 cats, and they are all complete assholes, but we do have a fat siamese cat with no front claws and no way to defend itself that enjoys belly rubs. He also like to stick his face in your food while you are eating it, if you let his slow fat ass sneak up on you.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

I feel like this is a perfect cat eulogy.

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moffattbooks· 90 weeks ago

my mother has a cat that loves black pants and black shirts. Despite our best efforts yesterday, she needed to sit as close as possible to us because we had black shirts on for a photo shoot. i think somewhere in her cat mind, she probably said “yes, shed on the black shirts!”

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@RHaseman · 90 weeks ago

Classic Alt-text as usual Joel! Haha…

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

hey thanks!

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Stupido Comics · 90 weeks ago

Is that mustard sauce she is feeding the cat? Feed it mouse-tard sauce. Cats love mousetard sauce. They also love mewnnaise!

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@Matausz · 90 weeks ago

Im crying… some one write a will for me quick…

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@FPRobber · 90 weeks ago

We have two cats, an older one and a really young one (a few months old). The young one is an asshole 24/7 to every other living thing including the bigger older cats, the bigger older ducks and the much bigger much older humans. The older cat is the exact opposite though. If she’s hungry and we’re eating she will sit at the table trying her best to sit like a human of her size would sit and look cute as hell until someone goes ‘awwww, here you go’ and gives her food.

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DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago

We just moved (less than a month ago) and the trials of Nuku-Nuku (the old cat) vs. The House have been completely entertaining.
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.

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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I’m allergic to cats AND THEY KNOW IT so they like to come up to me and wrap themselves around me and purr and cuddle my face. It doesn’t matter how stand-offish or hostile a cat normally is. I enter the room and they are all over me.

Assholes.

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@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago

I am also allergic to cats and have the same problem.

My cats-don’t-know theory is that because I am aloof and stay away, they think, ‘thanks for respecting my space, let me reward you will rubs and letting you pet me’.

My cats-are-evil theory is that they sense my allergy and enjoy listening to my bronchial tubes close and my wheezing to death.

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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I think both of those are spot on assessments.

I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

They can smell your weakness.

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rattify· 90 weeks ago

You’re doing a great job making Eli and Co strong and interesting characters 😀

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from someone else’s perspective.

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@kellyskritters · 90 weeks ago

All my wife’s cats are jerks. Either begging for food, clawing my couch, or shedding on my clothes. My cat however is the best Egyptian Siamese ever who just likes to cuddle, mostly cause I’m warm.

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Bill Murphy · 90 weeks ago

Today’s comic was fantastic! I laughed over the cat falling into Joel’s lap, the drank 5 beers comment and the cat being fed cheese wiz! Lots of fun today!

However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉

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Trish · 90 weeks ago

I don’t trust any living creature that isn’t an asshole at least part of the time. Which is why I’m a cat person and not a dog person, and which also explains my choice of friends…

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Dave · 90 weeks ago

The great Terry Pratchett once wrote a bit on the matter.
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
also:
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”

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2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago

Have you read the Sandman: Dream Country”? The second story, “A Dream of a Thousand Cats” has a very interesting theory on cats.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Actual LOL from the Pratchett quote.

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StephC · 90 weeks ago

This is too much like my dad and Tippy. That cat is a medicine ball with legs (he’s a heavy bastard). The last three panels are *exactly* what the interactions between Dad and Tippy are like… just add more swearing.
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.

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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

We used to foster cats for the Humane Society, but my husband is terrible at fostering and wants to keep all the kitties, so now we have SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.

They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.

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3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

And when they find your bodies, the headlines will also read, “SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.” When I was younger we had a friend of the family that was a sort of surrogate grandmother to me. She lived out in the woods and had 21… TWENTY ONE feral cats that lived on her property. She’d go to the back porch and cry, “BAAAAAAABIIIIIIES!” and twenty fucking one cats would come running out of the trees and bushes and get their food. One of them, named Hobbes, had deformed front paws and hopped on his back feet like a rabbit.

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lou · 90 weeks ago

Seven! Seven cats! Ah ah ah ah ah!

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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I have no doubts we would have 21 cats along with a pack of rescued greyhounds if we had a larger property, but we live in a 3-level townhouse, so yeah, seven is still a ridiculous number.

Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.

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gabepuratekuta· 90 weeks ago

that cat most likely died on his lap…

Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings

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seriously · 90 weeks ago

Why are cats such giant pieces of shit? For much the same reason babies and little kids are, they don’t know any better and are too cute to boot across the room.

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

THEY DO KNOW BETTER! THEY KNOW SO MUCH BETTER.

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Karen · 90 weeks ago

My big fat cat, Boober, is known for being an asshole. People would come to feed him if we were gone and have to face 20 lbs of pissed off cat. He even cornered someone on the stairs once and they had to fight him off with a bag of used litter.

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FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago

Looks like that pussy….

*puts on sunglasses*

…totally wrecked your dick.

YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

you monster

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FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago

I like kittens, but I don’t like the fact that they grow up to be cats.

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1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

lurkie · 90 weeks ago

The trouble with a kitten is that
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash

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Tom327Cat · 90 weeks ago

Cats exist to be the purpose of squirt guns.

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UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago

Panel 4 EXACTLY expresses how it feels to have a CatBeast pile-drive into your sensitive areas! One of my cats loves to pick up speed on the floor, launch herself directly at my internal organs, and use the accumulated ricochet force/agony to power a giant LEAP at my other cat’s face :S

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LawWren · 90 weeks ago

I am a cat person. Especially evil, asshole cats. I have one that is well over 20 lbs and she knows that she is the queen and treats us all as her servants.

Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.

Cats can tell a friend when they see one.

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Candace · 90 weeks ago

We used to have a completely declawed Siamese that was the sweetest cat that ever lived, sweeter even than many dogs. He loved everybody and was very affectionate.

OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.

Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.

And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀

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@efin98 · 90 weeks ago

My cats decide to run full speed through the house at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am- all in one night. They rip the doors apart until you open it up then just meow at you, they swipe at your ankles to demand food, they rip apart furniture just to get you to look at them.

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neph sy · 90 weeks ago

I’ve owned two cats, and while they weren’t perfect, they were sweethearts who did not destroy or beg for food except near their scheduled feeding times.

Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.

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lou · 90 weeks ago

I don’t really have a pet cat myself, but my street is the home to a cat (who’s someone else’s pet, but he roams around at will) that we call Patrol Cat. At various times of day, I’ll see him stalking the vineyard across the street from my house for varmints to eat, and sometimes I’ll catch him lounging on the sidewalk, catching some sun, and I’ll give him a belly rub. Is it wrong to just give him food from my kitchen?

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lou · 90 weeks ago

Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday to the missus! And I love the new direction you’re taking the strip!
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!

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Kylie · 90 weeks ago

My cat knows that when the alarm goes off, he gets food. He doesn’t think I move fast enough though so he starts pushing everything off the bedside table – mobiles, lamps, glasses of water. He actually hit one so hard the other day it smashed me in the face.

Little shit

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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

Yeah, we have one of those, except she doesn’t wait for the alarm. Sometime between 5am & 7am is magic wake-up time, every day.

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@doncarlo · 90 weeks ago

We have three cats, each assholes in their own special way.

The oldest has no claws on her front paws but somehow manages to squeak her paws on closed doors so loudly she wakes us up if we lock her out of our bedroom. She used to dig in our houseplants, spreading dirt all over the carpet. She also will sometimes eat so quickly that she immediately barfs up her half chewed, undigested food which the other cats then eat.

The longhaired cat is purebred and one of the dumbest cats I’ve known. He likes to chew on wires and string, lick plastic everything, and eats things that can’t be digested that have to be surgically removed. He can be particular about food and his litter box, not eating food he doesn’t like and peeing and pooping immediately in front of the litter box if it is not to his liking.

The third cat is probably the most normal. The worst thing he does is knock things off of tables and try to escape out doors when he is not supposed to. He is also very forceful about cuddling sometimes, ramming his head into your face when you are sleeping.

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Missmushu · 90 weeks ago

I have two cats; both of whom follow me around the house waiting for me to become stationary. The moment I sit or, gods forbid, lie down…they both perch inches from my face and stare at me like Hypno-toads. I get the distinct impression that they don’t so much love me as they are waiting for me to die so they can eat my face.

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