This really happened to me. No, I am not Ok. I doubt I will ever be OK. I got my wife a Roomba for her birthday. I had no idea those things were so expensive, but I found an amazing deal on a used one, and was able to bring our home one step closer to the Robotopia that I have always dreamed of. She spent the first few days playing with the Roomba, affectionately referred to as “Robit” [row-bit, long O], letting it zoom around and get acquainted with its new home.
She put its charging dock in the pantry and set an auto-schedule for it to clean up the cat litter off the floor (what the cats kick out of the box every time they enter or exit it) every day at 5am. This was really the whole impetus for the robot in the first place. She’s god damn sick of cleaning up cat litter every day, and I’m god damn sick of walking on cat litter when I go into the pantry to get food, thus making me think of food and cat litter simultaneously, WHICH inevitably makes me stop thinking about food all together (diet idea: surround all your food with cat shit). I am rarely asleep at 5am because I have crazy-artist crazy-work-from-home hours, so for the first couple of days I would hear Robit wake up, do it’s little litter dance for about 10 minutes, beep to tell me it was done and shimmy back into his docking station. If he could eat treat biscuits, you’d better believe I’d have given him one. It was a technological marvel. The next day, the pantry would be free of cat litter’s foul crunch under foot and no humans were harmed in the process.
On the third or fourth night, I heard Robit do his business and dock himself, then the house was just ENGULFED in stink. One of the cats, Replay, doesn’t like to cover up his poops. I assumed he’d just dropped a particularly gnarly one without covering it, and went to investigate. I opened the pantry door and It was like that scene in Se7en when they find the “living corpse.” 100,000 pine-scented air fresheners wouldn’t have abated the horrors I was facing. As the panels above illustrate, one of the cats, finding his box too full, had decided to use the floor as a bathroom. Robit, being a cold, unfeeling, emotionless machine who only follows his predetermined directives with no regard for human well being or the consequences of his actions, plowed right through it. Those of you who don’t live with cats probably don’t know that where as an unbroken cat turd smells bad, a BROKEN/SMUSHED cat turd is an ENTIRELY different animal. There’s some sort of natural protective sausage casing that the cat produces which somehow shields the secret stench within the poop. I can only assume this is an evolutionary necessity in order to facilitate the symbiosis of the domestic feline and the humans that house and feed it.
My Fancy Patrons got to read this comic before anyone else!
It was a horror show. Not only was the stench truly overpowering and blinding, but Robit had managed to run over the poop FIRST and THEN do his 10 minute “cleaning routine,” spreading… no, PAINTING the entire floor in concentric doodles of despair. Not only was the floor forever unclean, but Robit had managed to “gum up the works,” so to speak, with as much or more than he Jackon Pollack’d the pantry with. It was in his wheels, in his gears, in the brushes and the filter. Like I said. A horror show. The odd thing is, this happens with human babies all the time. They poop seemingly more than the interior volume of their small bodies and it manages to get from toes to forehead before you realize what has happened.
The deal with babies is, you LOVE them. You would do ANYTHING for them. You HAVE to keep them alive and you HAVE to stop whatever important, grown up business you are working on and de-poop the baby. The trade off is the human baby’s CPU is deep, deep inside a rather remarkable water proof casing, and its exterior shell is incredibly supple, yet resilient and stain resistant. You can actually put an entire human baby in the bath tub (NOT dishwasher safe) and hose them down. Robit, on the other hand, had to be almost entirely disassembled, expunged of poops and reassembled. It was not a task for the faint of heart, which is why I let my wife do it. “Here, Honey. I bought you a robot to make your life easier. Just one thing… you need to take out a million tiny screws, swab out about a gallon of cat shits, disinfect it AND yourself, them piece the Satanic, mechanized jigsaw back together before it can start with the life making easier stuff. HAPPY BIRTHDAY I’M GREAT!”
Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?
@dreadthar · 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
moffattbooks· 90 weeks ago
@RHaseman · 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
Stupido Comics · 90 weeks ago
@Matausz · 90 weeks ago
@FPRobber · 90 weeks ago
DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.
brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago
Assholes.
3 replies · active 90 weeks ago
@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago
My cats-don’t-know theory is that because I am aloof and stay away, they think, ‘thanks for respecting my space, let me reward you will rubs and letting you pet me’.
My cats-are-evil theory is that they sense my allergy and enjoy listening to my bronchial tubes close and my wheezing to death.
brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago
I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
rattify· 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
@kellyskritters · 90 weeks ago
Bill Murphy · 90 weeks ago
However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉
Trish · 90 weeks ago
Dave · 90 weeks ago
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
also:
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”
2 replies · active 90 weeks ago
@madmadamquinn · 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
StephC · 90 weeks ago
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.
PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.
3 replies · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
lou · 90 weeks ago
PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.
gabepuratekuta· 90 weeks ago
Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings
seriously · 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
Karen · 90 weeks ago
FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago
*puts on sunglasses*
…totally wrecked your dick.
YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago
FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
lurkie · 90 weeks ago
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash
Tom327Cat · 90 weeks ago
UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago
LawWren · 90 weeks ago
Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.
Cats can tell a friend when they see one.
Candace · 90 weeks ago
OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.
Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.
And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀
@efin98 · 90 weeks ago
neph sy · 90 weeks ago
Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.
lou · 90 weeks ago
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
lou · 90 weeks ago
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!
Kylie · 90 weeks ago
Little shit
1 reply · active 90 weeks ago
PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago
@doncarlo · 90 weeks ago
The oldest has no claws on her front paws but somehow manages to squeak her paws on closed doors so loudly she wakes us up if we lock her out of our bedroom. She used to dig in our houseplants, spreading dirt all over the carpet. She also will sometimes eat so quickly that she immediately barfs up her half chewed, undigested food which the other cats then eat.
The longhaired cat is purebred and one of the dumbest cats I’ve known. He likes to chew on wires and string, lick plastic everything, and eats things that can’t be digested that have to be surgically removed. He can be particular about food and his litter box, not eating food he doesn’t like and peeing and pooping immediately in front of the litter box if it is not to his liking.
The third cat is probably the most normal. The worst thing he does is knock things off of tables and try to escape out doors when he is not supposed to. He is also very forceful about cuddling sometimes, ramming his head into your face when you are sleeping.
Missmushu · 90 weeks ago