A Drinkin’ Song




The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will soon live HERE. Big thanks to everyone that supported the blowout sale and my apologies to anyone that had to pay unusually high shipping prices. Unfortunately that problem wasn’t sorted out before the sale ended.

Pacman Necklace on Etsy


Yesterday was my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Alternate titles for this comic: “Face Down, Ass Up,” “Bound For The Floor” and “Hello Linoleum, My Old Friend.”

I used to work for a landscape company as a book keeper. I was 19 years old, I knew nothing about landscaping and even less about book keeping, but I interviewed extremely well. In fact, I’ve landed essentially every job I’ve ever interview for. Perhaps THAT should have been my job. Getting jobs. At the landscape company I worked for a tiny little man with an ENORMOUS chip on his shoulder regarding his tiny little stature. He was a temperamental little sprite and he took great joy out of bossing around his large, tall, somewhat slow-witted business partner. They had a very “George and Lenny” vibe going on. “The best laid sod of mice and men…” and what not. This little, angry dude also had a sign hung next to his desk and over his mini fridge that said “NO BEER UNTIL 5pm!” Guess what the mini fridge was full of.  Day-drunk for him was apparently both a constant struggle and a way of life.

My only real experience with that early afternoon temptress, Lady Day-drunk, comes from comic conventions. It’s much easier to get through 10 hours a day at a slow convention when a reader brings you a tiny bottle of rum and you’ve sold just enough merch to afford a $9 Coke from the concession stand. Day-drunk is the Universes way of saying, “Let’s go ahead and put a stop to this crappy day before it even happens.”

COMMENTERS: What are your best and worst experiences with being (or being around someone who is) day-drunk? Was it at a festival, a funeral, at work or at home because you’re an adult, god dammit, and no one’s going to tell you 11am isn’t wine o’clock!

Comments (40)

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seriously's avatar

seriously · 90 weeks ago

Funnily enough one morning after Christmas we wanted pancakes but realized we’d used it all making eggnog the night before.

Turns out eggnog loaded with bourbon + pancake mix = surprisingly good pancakes. And gets you slightly tipsy.

You can substitute Egg Nog for any ingredient in any recipe and it will usually improve the situation. That’s just science .
This may be my favorite ever HE storyline. You’re on a roll, Joel.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Hey thanks! I’m having fun.
Annie B's avatar

Annie B · 90 weeks ago

I must say I really like the new tangent. Before, I would skip a few comics when my RSS were too full (900+ posts is way too much to go through without marking a few categories as read), but now I make a point of reading your comic every day. Good job!

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Mission accomplished. Thanks!
Michael Corley's avatar

Michael Corley · 90 weeks ago

Beernana is going to be the drink of the next spring break!
Wesley's avatar

Wesley · 90 weeks ago

Best day-drunk.. can’t remember. It’s great just spending the day with friends or on a festival having fun and drinking.

Not-so-great were the burn-out days. Being by yourself, avoiding everyone because everything felt like stress and getting drunk to feel better.. except you don’t. You feel worse. It didn’t happen every day, but it was darn-well rotten not being able to cope, feeling frustrated and being too drunk to finish a damn thought.

first thought: man Hijinks Eli gets drunk alot, second thought: IRL Eli would have Wolverine’s healing powers then if he drank that much lol

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

Well, A LOT of comics so far only relates to getting drunk ONCE in actual time. It’s all relative.
mist's avatar

mist · 90 weeks ago

Well technically if he gets drunk once early on, and stays topped up, that also counts as “only once” 🙂 (con rules.)
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I am the most boring person alive – haven’t been drunk, let alone day-drunk, in years. But when everyone around me is getting stupid-drunk, the last thing I want is to be mentally impaired!

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

Trish's avatar

Trish · 90 weeks ago

Weird, cuz that’s exactly when I feel the need to be drunk. Drunk people are a lot easier to tolerate when you’re impaired.
Judy R. Wilder's avatar

Judy R. Wilder · 90 weeks ago

It is good to know someone is thinking with a clear head. My biological father and Step father were both alcoholics and even though they were good men, the drinking kept them from reaching their full potential. They both died young.

A lot of people drink beer and it is the beverage of choice in many countries. I guess what I am saying is that getting plastered isn’t a solution for anything. I feel it is wrong to make people, mostly minors, think getting drunk is away to wind down or forget their troubles. It is only my opinion and I am just an ancient flower child trying to share a “little” wisdom.

Day-drunk of the living dead?
Bron's avatar

Bron · 90 weeks ago

I’ve always vaguely enjoyed getting sloshed during the day (when not working that day obviously) its especially nice in the summer. I especially like going out for lunch and having a drink and a chat in the pub until dinner and then maybe going to the club afterwards to play darts or some such. When I was in university we used to do that at least once a fortnight sometimes twice a week (we had Wednesday afternoons off you see, I think we were supposed to be doing sport or some other similar nonsense). We once worked out we drank about 200-300 units of alcohol between the 5 of us per session, I’m surprised we didn’t die of liver failure.

I had great difficulty with a co-worker once who turned up drunk to work a lot (or was suspected to be doing so, she became erratic after breaks) but no one could work out where she was getting alcohol from. We noticed she always smelled overwhelmingly of cheap floral perfume, turned out she was drinking the stuff, jolly strange way to go about things I must say.

zathael's avatar

zathael · 90 weeks ago

actually, there are three more legitimate claims.,_Pri…,_Duke……

The first is the direct descendant of Napolean, the other two of House Bourbon by way of two different family branches.

lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

Now I have to find out just how much territory the Hapsburgs ruled! My parents visited their old palace in Vienna, Austria, and learned they basically ruled all of Europe, but Mexico too?!
The closest I have to that drinking in class story is when I had to take an American Studies course when I went to SJSU, and we had our last regular meeting before finals in the Gordon-Bierscht microbrewery in San Jose. There we were, giving presentations on various topics, while drinking different types of GB’s original brews!
Mitch H.'s avatar

Mitch H. · 90 weeks ago

Philip II (he of the Spanish Armada, widower of England’s Mary I, aka “Bloody Mary”) ruled about a third to two-fifths of the world in the early 1580s after inheriting the Portuguese throne, although his wars with his rebellious Dutch subjects and former English subjects had already started dismantling the Portuguese empire in the East Indies, and Spanish dominion in the West Indies.

And the professor was an idiot. The colony of Tejas was under a Hapsburg king for maybe fifteen years before the Bourbon succession. And the Austrian branch of the family *never* had a claim on the Spanish possessions in the New World.

lou's avatar

lou · 89 weeks ago

Portuguese? Philip II was King of Spain
Bear's avatar

Bear · 90 weeks ago

Woke up around noon on a Saturday, opened the fridge, saw a beer, and thought, “Why not?”. Skip ahead ALL THE BEERS later to me waking up laying on the dog bed in the dark and thinking, “I don’t remember going to bed here last night.” I checked my phone and saw that it was 8 o’clock… in the evening. I’d managed to drink myself onto the floor in a few hours and “nap” the day away.
I have 2 stories.

The first is from college.

My room mate and I picked up a bunch of little packets of slushy mix that Kool-Aid made. i don’t think they’re made anymore, sadly. We’d mix them with vodka and freeze them in solo cups and then wander around campus eating boozy slushy and nobody knew. NOBODY KNEW. Stealth drank.

The second involves breakfast.

I made some absolutely incredible bread pudding, studded with orange and bourbon soaked raisins, with an amazing bourbon sauce that was… very, very strong. So my parents came over and I made scrambled eggs and bacon and this intensely fantastic bread pudding and coffee and we all got breakfast tipsy off the bourbon sauce.

Emmy's avatar

Emmy · 90 weeks ago

There is a horse race in Australia called the Melbourne Cup, AKA ‘the race that stops a nation’. It’s held on a Tuesday, around lunchtime. Almost every office stops for the race and there’s sandwiches and champers or beer. I learnt early on not to send emails after Melbourne Cup Lunch – there is a risk that you’ll piss off soemone who you really don’t want to piss off.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

 beer o'clock 's avatar

beer o’clock · 90 weeks ago

II can’t count the number of times I’ve been day drunk! I’d have to say my favorite is water parks and theme parks. We would carefully unscrew lids off water bottles so that little ring would stay attached to the cap and pour in any clear Booz we wanted then re-seal them. Most parks let you take in water and not much else so we took full advantage of their naiveté.
There’s never a bad time to have a drink.
Hey, It’s gotta be Noon somewhere right? 😛
bubujin_2's avatar

bubujin_2 · 90 weeks ago

Once in college a buddy and I mixed up 3/4 of a gallon of strawberry daiquiri and took it to afternoon classes to share with our fellow students. After three classes I know we were definitely feeling a good buzz–buddy swore I was day drunk but I didn’t think so.
Aetheling's avatar

Aetheling · 90 weeks ago

Last year, me and a friend mixed up White Russian and put it over cereal (Cinnamon Grahams, to be precise) to go to an 9AM lecture with breakfast after a heavy night of drunken Risk. The lecturer didn’t realise that the milk in the tupperwares…wasn’t.
Then we went home and did it again, until about three in the afternoon, when we both passed out.
Holly's avatar

Holly · 90 weeks ago

Everyone’s favorite: the Office Christmas Party. Except I was working in a theater, and the party started at 11am. We drank during the “awards ceremony” at the theater, drank in a party bus on the way to a restaurant/arcade, drank while playing ski ball and Pacman, then drank in the party bus on the way back to work. Best. Party. Ever. One of the accountants had to call his son to pick him up from work.
The only downside: being a theater the real work actually started at 5pm. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sober up until intermission.
Runcibletune's avatar

Runcibletune · 90 weeks ago

While I have no day-drunk stories to relate, I want to say that I think this is one of your finest comics, Joel. Something about the pacing of the puns, juxtaposed against the way you’ve drawn Eli on the floor… it’s still making me chuckle just thinking about it!

1 reply · active 89 weeks ago

That’s very kind. Thanks!

Kirby Krackle


PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE WHUUUUUUUT?!?!? sharksplode-t-shirt-porta-john-smith-1

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is technically over, but until the plug is pulled (today? tomorrow?) you can probably still get some cheap books and shirts HERE. I’m really sorry about the high shipping prices many Fancy Bastards have been telling me about encountering in the store. That basically defeats the purpose of having a blowout sale, doesn’t it? Oh well. I still really appreciate the support for the sale and I promise when the new, improved store opens (hopefully later this week), there will be no such problems with insane shipping prices.

Pacman Necklace on Etsy


Today is my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Eli (IRL)’s cat, Kirby (or is it Kurby? Who cares?) weighs somewhere between 30 lbs and 1/4 the mass of a neutron star. Rather than beg for food, he will usually just scoot himself into a area where food is likely to fall, and lay there, upside down, mouth agape for hours. He’s like a feline filter feeder, just floating through the ocean that is Eli’s home, allowing bits of cheese and sausage to get caught in his kitty baleen. What a giant piece of shit.

COMMENTERS: Why are cat’s such giant pieces of shit? How do your cats let you know that your sole purpose in this life is to service them? Are you a piece of furniture to them? A scratching post? A method by which food is delivered? What?! You say your cats AREN’T total assholes? Those, my delusional friend ARE NOT cats. Those are either unusually large guinea pigs or rare, african land otters.

Comments (46)

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I feel like this is a perfect cat eulogy.
my mother has a cat that loves black pants and black shirts. Despite our best efforts yesterday, she needed to sit as close as possible to us because we had black shirts on for a photo shoot. i think somewhere in her cat mind, she probably said “yes, shed on the black shirts!”
Is that mustard sauce she is feeding the cat? Feed it mouse-tard sauce. Cats love mousetard sauce. They also love mewnnaise!
DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago

We just moved (less than a month ago) and the trials of Nuku-Nuku (the old cat) vs. The House have been completely entertaining.
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.
I’m allergic to cats AND THEY KNOW IT so they like to come up to me and wrap themselves around me and purr and cuddle my face. It doesn’t matter how stand-offish or hostile a cat normally is. I enter the room and they are all over me.


3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

I think both of those are spot on assessments.

I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.

They can smell your weakness.
You’re doing a great job making Eli and Co strong and interesting characters 😀

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from someone else’s perspective.
Today’s comic was fantastic! I laughed over the cat falling into Joel’s lap, the drank 5 beers comment and the cat being fed cheese wiz! Lots of fun today!

However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉

Trish's avatar

Trish · 90 weeks ago

I don’t trust any living creature that isn’t an asshole at least part of the time. Which is why I’m a cat person and not a dog person, and which also explains my choice of friends…
Dave's avatar

Dave · 90 weeks ago

The great Terry Pratchett once wrote a bit on the matter.
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

Actual LOL from the Pratchett quote.
StephC's avatar

StephC · 90 weeks ago

This is too much like my dad and Tippy. That cat is a medicine ball with legs (he’s a heavy bastard). The last three panels are *exactly* what the interactions between Dad and Tippy are like… just add more swearing.
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

We used to foster cats for the Humane Society, but my husband is terrible at fostering and wants to keep all the kitties, so now we have SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.

They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.

3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

And when they find your bodies, the headlines will also read, “SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.” When I was younger we had a friend of the family that was a sort of surrogate grandmother to me. She lived out in the woods and had 21… TWENTY ONE feral cats that lived on her property. She’d go to the back porch and cry, “BAAAAAAABIIIIIIES!” and twenty fucking one cats would come running out of the trees and bushes and get their food. One of them, named Hobbes, had deformed front paws and hopped on his back feet like a rabbit.
lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

Seven! Seven cats! Ah ah ah ah ah!
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I have no doubts we would have 21 cats along with a pack of rescued greyhounds if we had a larger property, but we live in a 3-level townhouse, so yeah, seven is still a ridiculous number.

Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.

that cat most likely died on his lap…

Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings

seriously's avatar

seriously · 90 weeks ago

Why are cats such giant pieces of shit? For much the same reason babies and little kids are, they don’t know any better and are too cute to boot across the room.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

Karen's avatar

Karen · 90 weeks ago

My big fat cat, Boober, is known for being an asshole. People would come to feed him if we were gone and have to face 20 lbs of pissed off cat. He even cornered someone on the stairs once and they had to fight him off with a bag of used litter.
Looks like that pussy….

*puts on sunglasses*

…totally wrecked your dick.


1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

I like kittens, but I don’t like the fact that they grow up to be cats.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

lurkie's avatar

lurkie · 90 weeks ago

The trouble with a kitten is that
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash
Tom327Cat's avatar

Tom327Cat · 90 weeks ago

Cats exist to be the purpose of squirt guns.
UnderTheDark's avatar

UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago

Panel 4 EXACTLY expresses how it feels to have a CatBeast pile-drive into your sensitive areas! One of my cats loves to pick up speed on the floor, launch herself directly at my internal organs, and use the accumulated ricochet force/agony to power a giant LEAP at my other cat’s face :S
LawWren's avatar

LawWren · 90 weeks ago

I am a cat person. Especially evil, asshole cats. I have one that is well over 20 lbs and she knows that she is the queen and treats us all as her servants.

Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.

Cats can tell a friend when they see one.

Candace's avatar

Candace · 90 weeks ago

We used to have a completely declawed Siamese that was the sweetest cat that ever lived, sweeter even than many dogs. He loved everybody and was very affectionate.

OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.

Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.

And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀

neph sy's avatar

neph sy · 90 weeks ago

I’ve owned two cats, and while they weren’t perfect, they were sweethearts who did not destroy or beg for food except near their scheduled feeding times.

Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.

lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

I don’t really have a pet cat myself, but my street is the home to a cat (who’s someone else’s pet, but he roams around at will) that we call Patrol Cat. At various times of day, I’ll see him stalking the vineyard across the street from my house for varmints to eat, and sometimes I’ll catch him lounging on the sidewalk, catching some sun, and I’ll give him a belly rub. Is it wrong to just give him food from my kitchen?

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

lou's avatar

lou · 90 weeks ago

Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday to the missus! And I love the new direction you’re taking the strip!
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!
Kylie's avatar

Kylie · 90 weeks ago

My cat knows that when the alarm goes off, he gets food. He doesn’t think I move fast enough though so he starts pushing everything off the bedside table – mobiles, lamps, glasses of water. He actually hit one so hard the other day it smashed me in the face.

Little shit

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

Yeah, we have one of those, except she doesn’t wait for the alarm. Sometime between 5am & 7am is magic wake-up time, every day.
Missmushu's avatar

Missmushu · 90 weeks ago

I have two cats; both of whom follow me around the house waiting for me to become stationary. The moment I sit or, gods forbid, lie down…they both perch inches from my face and stare at me like Hypno-toads. I get the distinct impression that they don’t so much love me as they are waiting for me to die so they can eat my face.