He’s a Demon on Wheels

Literally. This movie looks like if Lucifer impregnated Las Vegas.

I have no real intention of seeing it. Regardless of sexual deviance, or bent genders, the Wachowski’s are clearly off their collective gourd. The first Matrix was a fluke. It was nearly (if not totally) perfect SciFi in all respects. Since then they’ve… faltered. I don’t count “V” because it wasn’t really their film, any more than “From Dusk Till Dawn” was a Tarantino film.  Somehow they eeked out a good screenplay for that movie, but praise be to Robot-Jesus they didn’t direct it. Otherwise V would have been played by a neon digital Keanu and it would have taken place in am underground rave-cave.

I can imagine the Wachowski’s directing style. One is screaming, “LESS ACTING! MORE EFFECTS!!!” while the other is trying on stilletos and taintless chaps.

I watched the Speed Racer cartoons on Mtv when I was in middle school. I always wondered what Speed was actually hoping to achieve. He just seemed to race, and race and race with no real goal in sight. He often said he had to be “the best” but that’s about as vague and “gotta’ catch em all. ” I’m sure he had a complex or two dozen. Pops named the kid “Speed.” That limited his career choices to race car driver or meth addict. I gathered from the show, he was both.

I just realized that the title sequence from the cartoon actually had animated “bullet time” when Speed jumps out of the Mach V. Weird.

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67 Comments

  2. I grew up watching speed racer. It had great moral values for kids.
    Bad guy : Where is your brother?
    Spridle : I won't tell.
    Bad Guy: How about some Candy?
    Spridle : Ok (grabs candy) He's over there.

    When I heard they were going to make a movie, I was excited. Then I learned that the ENTIRE environment was going to be CGI, and that the W bros created "Car-Fu" (Take on Kung-fu.) I then lost all respect for the movie. The trailer looks horrible.

    Once again Hollywood takes something that is almost good, and turns it into utter crap.

  4. While I agree with everything that has been said, I still think I'll end up seeing it. I imagine I'll be alone in the theater.

    "Underground rave cave" sums up everything that was wrong with the matrix sequels.

  6. To be honest, I don't see myself going to the theater to see this movie, or buying the dvd, or getting it from comcrap on-demand, or downloading it by any means. I would probably not watch it on tv ever, and actually turn off the tv if I ever see it running. I still have trouble believing that they made such a movie.

    That aside, V was one of the best movies I have seen lately. But that is mostly due to Hugo Weaving's acting.

  7. cool, but apparently you need to grammar-check the shit out of yourself before you post things to teh intarwebz for all to see.

  8. *sigh*

    I'm actually looking forward to this movie. You take a dumb fucking kids cartoon and make it a ridiculous, colorful trip with both John Goodman *and* Christina Ricci? AND a monkey? "Best Movie Ever" indeed.

  15. Yeah, but we need to take into account that our opinions and tastes might be… erm… "outside the mainstream."

    For instance, I'm way excited because I got the entire Tremors series in one box yesterday. I'm aware that only the first one was good, but they were all AWESOME. It just depends on what you want out of your movie experience ^_^

  20. Seriously, is there any actor more intense than Hugo Weaving? The man is is a machine. He's seriously under-utilized in Hollywood, but I think it's because it must be hard to find parts that he can bring that kind of intensity to.

  23. "I just realized that the title sequence from the cartoon actually had animated “bullet time” when Speed jumps out of the Mach V. Weird."

    Which is why I started getting horny for this movie as soon as I heard they were making it. As I've said before and will again, there's a lot of stuff we were into as kids that when you see it as an adult, just sucks rotting zombie-dick. I used to watch Speed Racer (long before there was an MTV – I have a couple of years on you), and when I think back on it, all I remember is pretty colors and WHOOSHBAMSPLODE action. I see it now, all I see is limited walk-cycles and shite lipsync.

    This is the genius of the Wachowskis: their Speed Racer is NOT based on the actual show. It's based on what we REMEMBER the show to be. And I'd much rather see that than the actual show.

  25. Hell yeah, Tremors FTW. On a related note, being live action I wonder how much more expensive it is to do those long dialogue scenes. You know the ones I'm talking about, where speed racer would be in his car against a slowly looping background, talking really really fast, but without his body actually moving. I.E. the same animation cell for like 400 frames (that was in fact recycled from previous episodes. Seriously, they must have done like a third of the cartoon series with just that one cell).

  27. I think we really didnt perceive that as kids. The whole looping and non-moving bodies thing. Every cartoon did it, but early anime and japanese imports were the worst. Scratch that. Hanna Barbara was the worst. You could always tells what was about to move because it was a lighter paint color than everything else that had moved for 3 min.

  36. I was pretty surprised when I learned as a teen that almost every cartoon I ever loved (Transformers) were dubbed anime. Our cultures sort of feed off each other in cycles. In the 80's they were years ahead of us with technology, animation, scifi, comics, horror, etc. Now they are emulating western culture in dress, music, and other entertainment. They are still lightyears ahead in tech. I guess we are due for a switch in the coming decade.

  39. All I'm saying is, he seems pretty well endowed. And all I'm saying is, it's a little difficult to maintain the suspension of disbelief that this rampaging g-man is really a computer program when his junk is punching out like the fist of god from the front of his sensible trousers. -A good actor would have recognized this and strapped that shit back.

  40. This is just going to be another case of Transformers, where the film is terrible but people who loved the cartoon as kids are going to praise it and say the Wachowskis got the magic touch back.

  41. Well, maybe my inability to understand Japanese cartoons comes from the fact that I spent my early childhood years over in Germany and so I didn't get to watch too many kids shows over there since most weren't in English and when I got back state-side I'd already missed out on all the cultural trends.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news/earthquake_s… is a good piece about why Japan scares me sometimes…what the hell is with those outfits?

  42. Tremors 1 is B-Movie gold. I didn't like the rest simply because the Tremors mutated into the little ones that could walk and fly. That to me isn't nearly as frightening as a giant worm that can drag an entire car into the ground.

  44. C'mon, you have to admit that the world of the first Matrix was the raver's wet dream come true. Speed Racer seems to be one of those fucked up acid trip worlds that looks like a natural future view of the Beatles' Yellow Submarine.

    What bugs me most is the choice of Christina Ricci to play Trixie… she seems a little old for Speed/Emilie Hirsch.

  47. it's got Matthew Fox as Racer X…

    I never watched Speed Racer, so I only know it in parody. I didn;t even think it could be made into a movie when I heard the movie was going to be made.

    But yeah, go ahead, Hollywood. Rape a childhood some more.

  48. Why must I take sides with josh so early in my posting?

    For Christina Ricci, that’s why.

    I know, I know. I should have learned my lesson with Monster. But as long as she keeps showing up in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and (lets not forget the role that spawned a thousand Goths), Addams Family… I’ll continue to give her my hard earned cash.

    Do I think speed racer will be a defining moment in cinematic history? No.

    Am I dumb enough to go see it anyways?… Does Jesus ride T-Rex?

  49. Let’s not forget the worst childhood rape yet. No I'm not talking about Uncle Larry; I'm talking about Garfield… I absolutely loved that cartoon… Then they took a gigantic dump, painted it orange, filmed it for two days, and ruined two hours of my life. I watched it in a moral tent in Iraq a few years back. I had no choice but to sit thru it. It was like that scene from clockwork orange where they hold his lids open and force feed him video. Only it didn’t end with me having sex with some chick in the snow, surrounded by an applauding crowd, with Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in the background.

    Though, it never does, does it?

  50. Gah! I can't believe we have to wait till Monday for a new comic; I want to know WTF is happening in BSG! Did what I think just happened on the Cylon basestar just happen (Not wanting to spoil it for anyone)? Did those previews show the president's aide about to shove Cally out an airlock (Not really a spoiler in my opinion since its part of the preview)? Dammit, we have to wait a whole week…

  52. Oh, I know–pupils in last panel are great–but I still like the idea of movie pills. "Markham's New Double-Action Super-Hi-Def Movie Pills: Saving you the tedium of 90 minutes at the googleplex!"

  53. hard to take something that didn't have much substance to begin with, and make it any worse.

    "Then they took a gigantic dump, painted it orange, filmed it for two days, and ruined two hours of my life."

    I LOL'D for minutes!

  54. I thought Transformers was going to blow but it was actually awesome, so I have some hope for Speed Racer. I think it would be a great movie to see in the theater due to all of the special effects, sound, and whatnot, but I'll probably wait until it's out on DVD.

  58. One of the original ideas for HijiNKS Ensue was a comic about an American Exchange student that goes to Japan but when he gets there its exactly like anime. I realized Id have to learn to draw anime so I never did it.

  62. I just want the Wachowski's to do another great SCI FI flick, like that DreamScapesAxis movie that's been on hold for several years now.

  65. I am amazed at how accurate that assessment of the film is. I was dragged to see it in college and my quote upon emergence from the darkened cave of a theater was "I think I'm high on color".
    This movie was designed either for those naive to LSD trips or to help diagnose epileptic kids

  66. Man, at least with "gotta catch 'em all" there was a tangible goal in sight. There were 151 Pokey-manz way back in the beginning. Once you had connected Red and Blue and swapped and traded and cheated your little 8th grade ass off, you had, indeed, "caught 'em all".

    But those bastards just keep throwing new races.

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