Heroes continues to not be X-Men

A virus that only infects super powered individuals? No way.

Josh seems to have a crush on Ali Larter, as much as any gay man can have a crush on a woman. He has similarly misplaced feelings for Kristen Bell, who is also joining the cast of Heroes. He’s often said things like, “Man, this movie is terrible and everyone in it should get flesh eating virus and die… except for Ali Larter. I really like Ali Larter. She should get a prize.”

I caught the premier of Heroes on NBC this week. They are pulling a LOST and introducing new characters before dealing with the ones I actually give a shit and a half about. They are also continuing their sparse display of powers on screen. I want optic blasts and sonic booms, and powers that actually have a physical (or graphical) manifestation. Hiro has a great power but they chose to represent it with a “Squishy Blink” as opposed to any sort of time or space warping effect. Hell, I would settle for a sound effect. A nice “WHOOOAAAAMMMMG!” or “ZOOOOORRRMMP!” would suffice.

How about a few more lame-ass powers that require no CG:

  • Guy that can reverse the Coriolis effect in Australian toilets (you could just film the toilets in America!)
  • Guy that can alter international shipping rates at the Post Office (very profitable eBay business)
  • Guy that can draw crude sexual flip books on Post-It Notes really fast (flip it in reverse and she doesn’t get chlamydia)
  • Girl that can keep her eyes open when she sneezes (also causes a random person’s brain to melt every time she does it. But she doesn’t know that)

These are all great ideas!

I read that the new Latino heroes (I think their names are Dora and Diego) are real life Wonder Twins. Their powers are somehow connected and activated only when they make out or something. I hate the Wonder Twins so goddamn much. You’ve got these alien siblings with fantastical magic power rings and transmogrification abilities yet one of them can only turn into things made of water.

To compensate they would pull shit like,

“Wonder Twin Powers Activate!”
“Form of a fucking T-Rex with giant teeth and crushing mandibles and an insatiable hunger for flesh!”
“Shape of an Ice Dinosaur!”

They also had a space monkey, Gleek. He couldn’t do shit. Space Ghost’s space monkey, Blip,was a brilliant strategist and decorated hero. Gleek was a poo-flinging retard.

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23 Comments

  1. But still…ya gotta admit the Wonder Twins were shitloads better than Marvin and Wendy and their stooooopid fuckin’ dog.

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  2. Doppelganger is the best power.

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  3. “form of a giant ice bucket filled with freezing cold water!”

    “form of a giant eagle to carry the bucket and dump cold water on our enemies!”

    *gleek* *gleek*

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  4. Did you see Peter at the very end of Monday’s episode, when he used some (apparently) new electric-force powers and knocked the hell out of one of those iPod hunters? That was the type of thing we need to see more regularly. WE WANT BLUE LIGHTNING, NBC! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

    I like how Claire’s new romantic interest can fly, but how did he know that she has powers? Maybe he works for The Company…

    BTW, about this comic – it’s awesome. I love how you, the painter, are painting yourself painting, with Josh behind you and in the mirror on the painting. Paint.

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  5. Yes, more blue lightning! I agree!

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  6. I managed to catch the Heroes premier, which was also by the way, my introduction to the series. Suffice to say, I was a little bit confused. But it looks like something I would tune into week after week.

    The Latino Heroes are Maya and Alejandro. And yes, the Wonder Twins sucked ass.

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  7. My problem with the last episode of heroes, aka 2.1, was that it was terrible.

    Seriously… introducing lame and irrelevant characters. Splitting everyone up across the United States… again, even when they didn’t combine their powers the first time.

    Oh, and did Parkman kidnap, and is now living with, a 10 year old girl?

    Creepy.

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  8. @ Travis
    WONDERDOG!? Fucking WONDERDOG!? Why didn’t they die the first time the came up against The Legion of Doom?

    @MKR
    Halfway through the first season I was still asking myself, “is her power that she’s a slut?”

    @TJ
    “Shape of a rocket powers ice javelin!”

    @Dean
    Glad you caught my little not-so-subtle reference there. i just assumed peter was using nuclear Ted’s power. I suppose if he has amnesia (BEST PLOT DEVICE EVER!) that he will be absorbing powers without realizing it.

    @Paul
    Eyeball Lightning!

    @AJ
    If you liked it at all, check out the first season before watching this one. its not like LOST where you will be totally clueless, but there were some fun moments in last season.

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  9. @Mikey
    I have a feeling the 17th century Japan story line that is supposed to span 8 weeks will get old REAL quick.

    I have NO interest whatsoever in the new Heroes. I thought thats what “Origins” was for. And yes, I appears Parkman is in a same-sex-interracial dwelling situation with an illegitimate minor.

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  10. Gleek? No superpowers?!? Dude… That’s *NOT* his tail!

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  11. Best One Yet! Cant wait for the new season! IM EXCITED!

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  12. @Joel: “And yes, [it] appears Parkman is in a same-sex-interracial dwelling situation with an illegitimate minor.” LMAO, I said the same thing to my wife! She just gave me the typical eye-roll, but I’m glad that I’m not alone on this one! I also agree that Hiro’s story will get old fast, unfortunately. One thing I really don’t understand about Hiro’s time continuum is that, once he’s done doing whatever he’s doing in feudal Japan, couldn’t he just teleport into a time immediately after Sylar’s “death”, thereby nulling the fact that four months have passed, his dad died, Parkman and Mohinder switched teams, etc?

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  13. @Demetrius
    I didnt say he didnt have spectacular endowments. Im just saying he cant melt things with his brain.

    @Woody!
    Thanks! If you are still waiting for the new season, then you missed the premier.

    @ Dean
    If she rolls her eyes again, have the Haitian wipe her memory.

    @vrtualme
    gesundheit!

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  14. Joel, I only watched a few episodes so I don't get most of the references. 😛

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  15. @MKR
    Watch it if you get a chance. Nicki’s power is that she has a dead sister that live inside of her and has super strength. She talks to her through mirrors. It was very confusing to watch.

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  16. Ooh… Josh might have a dead sibling out there?? Hmm… interesting.

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  17. Sorry to spam with comments, but I just realized what you meant about the Latino heroes and had to come back and show you (and everyone else) how slow I am on the uptake.

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  18. @AJ
    SPAMMER!
    I prefer to think Josh has absorbed a twin in the womb that will later burst forth and assume his identity.

    Shame on your for not getting my nickelodeon reference. TRY HARDER!

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  19. Man, maybe heroes started out slow, but it ended strong. In my opinion, anyway. At least they decided to diverge from the Legacy virus storyline, as they originally intended for it to be released in the Chapter II finale.

    I seem to be alone in thinking the show is still good. And yes, I know where every single thing they write is stolen or inspired from, but it doesn’t bother me so much. Every story’s been told before. It’s all in the execution. And I think it’s not as bad as everyone else does. But what do I know? My favorite movie is Roadhouse.

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  20. Please stop the stupidity about the Coriolis effect. This isn’t The Simpsons universe, toilets do not flush in opposite directions in different hemispheres. Aaargh!

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  21. "If you press this button, the next time you sneeze, you'll be able to keep your eyes open. The catch is that someone, somewhere in the world, most likely someone you don't even know, will have their brain melted. Do you think the benefits are worth the costs?"

    "Can't I just have a million dollars instead?"

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