Heroes continues to not be X-Men

A virus that only infects super powered individuals? No way.

Josh seems to have a crush on Ali Larter, as much as any gay man can have a crush on a woman. He has similarly misplaced feelings for Kristen Bell, who is also joining the cast of Heroes. He’s often said things like, “Man, this movie is terrible and everyone in it should get flesh eating virus and die… except for Ali Larter. I really like Ali Larter. She should get a prize.”

I caught the premier of Heroes on NBC this week. They are pulling a LOST and introducing new characters before dealing with the ones I actually give a shit and a half about. They are also continuing their sparse display of powers on screen. I want optic blasts and sonic booms, and powers that actually have a physical (or graphical) manifestation. Hiro has a great power but they chose to represent it with a “Squishy Blink” as opposed to any sort of time or space warping effect. Hell, I would settle for a sound effect. A nice “WHOOOAAAAMMMMG!” or “ZOOOOORRRMMP!” would suffice.

How about a few more lame-ass powers that require no CG:

  • Guy that can reverse the Coriolis effect in Australian toilets (you could just film the toilets in America!)
  • Guy that can alter international shipping rates at the Post Office (very profitable eBay business)
  • Guy that can draw crude sexual flip books on Post-It Notes really fast (flip it in reverse and she doesn’t get chlamydia)
  • Girl that can keep her eyes open when she sneezes (also causes a random person’s brain to melt every time she does it. But she doesn’t know that)

These are all great ideas!

I read that the new Latino heroes (I think their names are Dora and Diego) are real life Wonder Twins. Their powers are somehow connected and activated only when they make out or something. I hate the Wonder Twins so goddamn much. You’ve got these alien siblings with fantastical magic power rings and transmogrification abilities yet one of them can only turn into things made of water.

To compensate they would pull shit like,

“Wonder Twin Powers Activate!”
“Form of a fucking T-Rex with giant teeth and crushing mandibles and an insatiable hunger for flesh!”
“Shape of an Ice Dinosaur!”

They also had a space monkey, Gleek. He couldn’t do shit. Space Ghost’s space monkey, Blip,was a brilliant strategist and decorated hero. Gleek was a poo-flinging retard.