First World Problems

<sarcasm>My heart really goes out to everyone who bought a brand new magical internet computer phone and isn’t 100% satisfied with their purchase. Sometimes life just takes a shit right on your face, doesn’t it?. It’s like you’re a helpless little seagull and the universe is just this unfathomable geyser of foul, viscous sludge that’s constantly spilling hundreds of thousands of barrels of hate-pudding into your home each and every day for months on end… ya’ know… because of the bars… on your phone… and how there aren’t enough of them when you hold said phone a certain way.

“CURSE YOU GOD!” And right to curse him you are, gentle consumer. For it isn’t enough to simply have the sum total of all human knowledge instantly accessible from a device that fits in your shirt pocket. Nay! That device must also be flawless in it’s aesthetics as well as it’s every function! To suffer anything less would be like being forced to skip a meal… or two meals… or go for some greater period of time without food of any kind… or potable water… or being made to live in constant fear of the rape gangs and drug lords that steal children in the night. It’s just like that.</sarcasm>

All silliness aside, Apple knew about the antenna problems WELL before the iPhone 4 launch. The only evidence you need is the Bumpers. Apple has never released an Apple sanctioned case for ANY Apple portable device since the inception of the iPod. In fact, Papa Steve has always taken a staunch, “Cases? We don’t need no stinkin’ cases,” approach to the issue. In fact again, the one and only time Apple came close to offering a case was when they started shipping 5G iPods and 1G Nanos with a simple stitched slip cover to appease the 1000’s of customers (including me) reporting all-t00-easily-scratched screens.

So OF COURSE they knew about the problem. They had enough time to design and manufacture the Bumpers, and hope to high hell that more people bought them than not. I guess that plan failed. So what are they going to announce today? My guess is that a full on recall would ruin their profits for this quarter/year. I bet they offer free bumpers too all iPhone 4 customers. They F’ed up, they got caught and they need to make it right. Though I really have to give Steve props for the “you’re holding it wrong” line. That took some brushed aluminum balls.

I will be in the Webcomics Pavillion (handy/shittily made map) at the Topatoco booth (#1231) with many of your other favorite internet-style cartoonists.

FB’s JustChristine and JonnyAce wants to organize a meetup for sometime during the con. Thursday night I will be at W00tstock. If you are interested make a comment. If enough people are interested we can make an event on the Fancy Bastards Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter for minute to minute updates as to what’s going on while I’m at Comic-Con.

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  1. My guess Jobs will blame AT&T and whoever else he can think of AND at the same time deny any issues exist. All computer companies will have glitchy products from time to time, even the 'all powerfull Oz', er I mean Jobs. Pay no attention to the man behind the screen.

  2. Yes, getting a case is an easy and simple fix, and this problem occurs in all phones to some extent, but “the solution” is 30 dollars more for what amounts to a one of those “generic social cause” bracelets with slots cut into it. If they were that aware of it, they should have just been included in the box or as a freebie for all pre-orders and an extra 5-10 dollars for everyone else. For $30 you should get a pack of 8 different colors.

    • Have you actually seen a bumper in person? Your description of it is totally wrong. It is a combination of hard plastic, soft rubber, and three metal buttons. I'm not going to argue about how much it is worth, but it is not a single piece of rubber, and it is more complex than some of the other $30 cases on the market.

      As to the claim that Apple released bumpers because they knew of the problem: bumpers were the only cases available at release day because Apple didn't share dimensions with third parties. They're secretive. Bumpers have been out of stock a lot. They are going to give people third party cases because they don't have enough bumpers. If they expected everybody to buy a bumper they would've built a higher volume production line.

      • Nope. You're missing the point entirely. The fact that apple even produced the Bumpers and that they serve only to surround the outside edge insulating the antennae from hand interferance shows that Apple knew exactly what the problem was before the phone was launched. And David's description is referring to the fact that people have been using Live Strong bracelets to solve the antenna issue since it was discovered.

        • That's nonsense. Think about how a device that's flat on both sides falls. If you put a bumper around the edges, it will adequately protect the phone from a lot of falls onto hard flat surfaces (which is what worries me the most).

          • I think you are confusing practicality with Apple covering their ass. They have never cared about iPhone being dropped before and they have time and time again spoken out against cases, screen protectors et al. The bumpers were designed to mask the antenna issue. End of story.

        • Screw "Live Strong", you need to hunt down a "WWMD" bracelet. Because really this IS what McGyver would do.

    • Apple's out to make money on people that buy phones, and this is the one instance in what…the last decade or so?…that they as a mega-corp got caught with their pants down on any major product issue.

      I think it's more that the phone doesn't work right because people aren't being good enough iFans of Apple…
      Kneel Before Jobs! I mean, Zod!

  3. "Apple has never released an Apple sanctioned case for ANY Apple portable device since the inception of the iPod. In fact, Papa Steve has always taken a staunch, “Cases? We don’t need no stinkin’ cases,” approach to the issue.”

    Apple iPad Case.

  4. Ugh, and to make matters worse, they started the conference with a viral video of some fanboy singing about how it's no big deal and the press are sensationalistic hyenas who blow stories out of proportion for the sake of ratings.

    Seriously, can Apple get any douchier?

    • Only if Jobs actually started spitting water….I'll leave that there, no one needs that mental image.

      Of course they knew about it beforehand, just like they know most of this stuff beforehand. They just don't give a crap. The whole "Not a US customer? Screw You!" attitude of Apple should give everyone a clear idea of Apple's care for their customers. None!

      They know that because they make 'cool' and 'market-leading' products that techy geeks and douchey trendoids will generally eat that shit up. Hell, I got tricked by the pretty with the second gen of iPods. £350, an iPod that won't charge, and NO help from retailer or Apple later, I learned my lesson and haven't touched an Apple product since.

  5. "…Nay, this device must be flawless in its aesthetics as well as its function…"

    The problem is Apple touted this magical awesome future phone as EXACTLY that. So to have Steve Jobs say what amounts to "Hold it differently, stupids" is absolutely unacceptable in every sense of the word. Everyone skewers Microsoft and Google and EVERYBODY else for doing this exact thing. But Apple got away with it lock, stock, and barrel.

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