Crank Dat

Full Title: “Watch Me Crank Dat Statham Boy, Then IronMan Dat Hoe”
[the hoe in question being either Amy Smart or Pepper Potts]

Maybe Iron Man should call his friend, James “BROdey” Rhodes.

Guys, come in close. Closer. I want to level with you for a minute. I want to bare my soul. This comic was extremely difficult to make. Not because the art was particularly challenging, and not because I tripped over the verbage. It was the subject matter. Making fun of  “Crank 2” is like making fun of a movie where a guy has his heart removed (for some reason) and replaced with a robot heart that runs on a laptop battery which must constantly be recharged through a series of escalating violent and sexual exploits. Ridiculous, right?

2009-04-08-the-hijinks-ensue-store1

The premise already so comical that in order to make a joke about it I had to reach into a parallel universe and pluck out a character that might be able to relate to Jason Statham (I think his name in teh film is Crank-O) through the shared experience of having one’s pulmonary system artificially and forcibly augmented by foreigners. Sometimes my job is hard.

I was pleased to read, however, that “Crank 2” doesn’t take itself seriously enough to get caught up in the trappings of it’s own absurd plot devices. It seems, rather, that the movie has fun with it’s own stupidity by constantly upping the anty in terms of over the top violence (strippers shot in the chest leak breast implant goo… seriously), action and sex (Statham is at one point urged to “rub up against some one” to create enough static electricity to “charge his battery… the battery is his penis).

So I suppose if you want to replace your brain with an artificial brain that has to be fed a steady stream of tits, gore, car chases and explosions (that REALLY doesn’t sound all that bad actually), “Crank 2” might be just the thing to keep your robo-brain from entering sleep mode.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY “CRANK MAD LIBS”?

In “Crank 3,” [group/ethnicity/organization] steal Jason Statham’s [body part/penis] and replace with with a [noun] that has to be [verb]ed every hour or it [someting bad]’s all over the place.

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40 Comments

  1. Hey. The original Crank was a work of seminal genius. I don't believe I've laughed that hard in decades. I don't really care what kind of piss-poor plot device they replace Chev Chelios' heart with. I'm going to see the second film, and this time, I'm going to the f–kin' cinema to do it!

  2. In "Crank 3," [Josh's Criminal Bacon-Stealing Organization] steal Jason Statham's [bacon] and replace with with a [rasher of turkey bacon] that has to be [fri]ed every hour or it [explodes Josh unhappiness]'s all over the place.

  3. In “Crank 3,” The Dollhouse steal Jason Statham’s personality and replace with with a personality of a thai hooker that has to be replaced every hour or it makes us want to watch Friday Night Lights all over the place.

    Except that the framing sentence doesn't make sense, with the double withs. You are a bad man, Joel Watson.

  4. I did wonder/hope if I'd horrendously misread the summary for the film, first time I saw it. But then again the poster had a dude linking his tongue up to a car battery.

    In “Crank 3,” the Great Britain Fencing team steal Jason Statham’s appendix and replace with with a small child that has to be read to every hour or it ADHD’s all over the place.

  5. From what I've heard and the posters I've seen, I think they should just drop the N from the title and that'd sum it all up perfectly.

    -D

  6. Oh come on, Chev. Be a pal to Iron Man. maybe the speedy sex and muder could wait, unless your batteries' downt to 10% charge or less. Bro-didly.
    Every time i watch the trailers for Crank 2 i laugh my ass off at the horrible things Chev goes through to live! What's wrong with me?

  7. In “Crank 3,” [the FOX network] steal Jason Statham’s [great Weadon-esque show idea] and replace it with a [reality TV show] that has to be [green-light]ed every hour or it [assimilate]’s all over the place.

    Turning all other shows into it… the sentence didn't allow me to drone on about burying it on Fridays, showing it out of order, advertising it poorly, etc.

  8. I love Crank. It may be rigoddamndiculous but it's so much fun! My boyfriend and I were laughing our asses off the whole time 🙂 No one else was, which was odd.

    I heard Crank 3 is going to be in 3D. I don't give a damn what the plot is, I'll be there.

  9. In “Crank 3,” [Bilderburger Group] steal Jason Statham’s [pancrease] and replace with with a [hot dog] that has to be [lick]ed every hour or it [poop]’s all over the place.

  10. In “Crank 3,” [trolls] steal Jason Statham’s [brain] and replace with with a [chan] that has to be [reload]ed every hour or it [fires lazer]’s all over the place

  11. In “Crank 3,” [Predator(c)] steals Jason Statham’s [skin] and replace with with a [nanotechnological horror] that has to be [f]ed every hour or it [lol]’s all over the place

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