Barmageddonbecue

Look, I’m sure there is actually some good (not great) barbecue in the Pacific Northwest but you have to give it to the South when we actually do something right. And there are two things we do better than anyone else: 1) racism and 2) barbecue. You might think you’ve had good barbecue up north but that’s like saying you fully understand the conflict in the middle east because you read Dune.  You just don’t have a proper barometer by which to measure your meats (note: meats should always me measured with a properly calibrated, stainless steel meat barometer).

I say all of that not to offend my northern brothers, but to make myself feel better for living in Texas. It’s hot, bigoted, and really super crazy hot. Let me have the meats. That’s all I ask.

Ewok Stare Shirt

Though I do take full responsibility for possibly offending Seattle meat enthusiasts (the name of my L7 cover band), I do have to give credit for the idea that sparked this comic to Stephen “Stepto” Toulouse. He is a former fellow Dallasite, current Seattle transplant and the Director of Policy and Enforcement for Xbox LIVE. I think that means he wields a giant ban-hammer. I don’t really know for sure. Anyway, like most who leave the south for hipper pastures he soon learned that there are Texas Rangers posted in turrets all along the northern border of Texas who instantly shoot and kill (and occasionally roundhouse kick to death) anyone who tries to leave Texas with our barbecue secrets. The only Texan ever allowed to leave the state with “The Lonestar Rub” was Sam Houston and that was only so he could throw it in the face of Ohio Congressmen William Stanbery to blind him before he beat him to death with a hickory stick. We take this shit seriously, is all I’m saying.

Why do I tell you all of this? In order to tell you this:

IF YOU ARE IN DALLAS YOU MUST COME TO W00TSTOCK TONIGHT AT THE GRANADA THEATRE!

Those of you wise enough to head my call will witness performances by Adam Savage of Mythbusters, Paul and Storm, comedian Paul F. Tompkins (playing the part of Wil Wheaton), the aforementioned Stepto, Bill Amend, Molly Lewis, Jason Finn and possibly if not certainly additional surprises! Also, I will be there just hanging out!  GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

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52 Comments

  1. Dude, there is ONE place in New England, reputedly, where you can get great Barbecue. Bub's. Bub's is actually one of the most decorated restaurants in the state, and one of the most disgusting. Admittedly I have never tried real southern barbecue, but Bub's gets great reviews from even the southernliest of critics.

  2. in the future an email or a twitter msg would be more appreciated. Also you being a bit nicer about it would be super keen.

    • Yes. It would work. Please. do it. (from a BBQ Adict in Seattle) I've been looking for so long for good BBQ, and while I've found ok (heavily Texas style, which is good, but I want North Carolina style) I need something different.

      • Which North Carolina style, Eastern or Lexington?

        Folks around here take their barbecue almost as seriously as they do politics and religion, and there are HUGE debates about which is better, Eastern or Lexington. Me? I just wanna know why no one in this state can do cole slaw right.

        • There is actually Eastern, Lexington, and Western…the more west you go, the more ketchup/tomato in the sauce as opposed to vinegar. I live a short distance from Lexington and am always spitting distance from a decent BBQ place with hush puppies.

          • Also, BBQ in NC is different from BBQ in Texas, BBQ just means to slow cook meat, we differ on the meat. They like beef, we like pork (for obvious reasons).

    • No, Seattle (mostly) doesn't care about real quality. If it's ovepriced low-end garbage with celery foam and plays hipster crap on TV's and Audio systems it's awesome, otherwise it won't last.

      I'll pay through the nose for amazing food, but I rarely go out around here.

  3. The Caveman is OK (good smoked meats, forgettable sauce). The real answer is to go to the Central district, go back about 20 years, and visit Hills Brothers. They were the genuine Shiznit, long before that regrettable word was invented.

  4. It's a little known fact that Seattle is also home to a huge number of Asians. Chinese and Korean cuisine in particular have some terrific recipes for barbecue but you can find some form of barbecue all over the world.

    Sure, the American South has some really good recipes but, guess what – they didn't invent it either. The term originates with the Taino people of the Caribbean and the first Europeans to learn the technique were the Spanish who learned it from the American Indians.

    Seattle is also home to a large number of American Indians and is named after an American Indian.

    I would not dispute that white people in Seattle aren't well associated with barbecue but if your gag revolves around the concept of how these white people over here don't understand barbecue as well as these other white people over there, you're missing out on a huge part of the history of barbecue.

  5. I love how your scientist looks like Doc Brown!

    Marty! I have some bad news! In the future your musician kids get killed by an asteroid! We must travel back to 1955 AGAIN to bring good BBQ to the West Coast! And Marty…your kids….they're hipsters….

  6. I can't speak for Seattle, but in the Portland area, we've got BBQ by Snoop Dogg's uncle. Yes, for real. And it is THE SHIT.

    I used to live about 5 miles from his place before he moved. It was freaking wonderful. The restaurant was in this old house on Tualatin Valley Highway, and the highway would smell like amazing barbecue for MILES. I really miss it. He moved to downtown Portland and a whole bunch of people who live near the restaurant complained to the city about the BBQ smoke. How extremely not human are you if you think amazing BBQ is stinky?

    So, seriously, if you are ever in Portland, check it out: http://www.reosribsbbq.com/index.html

  7. I can't argue with your BBQ assertions. The best barbeque I've ever had was when I took a trip to east Texas earlier this year. We found this little A-Frame house in Kountze, TX; Caroline's Quality and Quantity, I believe it was called. It was a small mom and pop place; the owners were really nice and even took the time to show us their BBQ pit in the backyard. As for the food, If there is a heaven, this is the BBQ that would be served there.

  8. Native Northern California boy here. I visited Austin three years ago. I had real BBQ for the first time. Before that point, I wasn't aware that real barbecue chicken was supposed to melt just resting on my tongue.

    … dammit, now I want barbecue.

  9. I'd concede the BBQ to you, since we got the World Series, but then I just went to T-Rex the other night and cannot so easily dismiss their tasty tasty meats.

    • A Texan friend has assured me that RoRo's is close enough to 'real BBQ' as to be acceptable to him. (I am okay with this, as long as I have excuses to get a pulled chicken sandwich and slather the house 'Rowdy Sass' sauce all over it.)

  10. Come on, Watson– we're not "The South", we're Texas.

    Hey, when you're in Austin for WizardWorld and the Dragon's Lair gig, try to get someone to drive you down to Lockhart; it's not called "The Barbecue Capital of Texas" for nothin'. Kreuz's, Chisholm Trail, Black's, and Smitty's are all legendary, and Lockhart is only about forty five minutes drive from Dragon's Lair on US183. Another fifteen minutes south gets you to Luling (hometown of Michael Dorn!) and the world famous City Market and Luling Barbecue.

    • Lockhart barbecue is made of win. Which makes me sad, as I am now living in Seattle. Also, the gospel brunch at Stubb's in Austin was a wonderful thing to behold.

      Of course, Lockhart doesn't have dim sum or fish tacos that can compare with up here, but that's not exactly a fair trade, especially once you throw in chicken fried steak and mexican food.

      Hopefully I'm headed back to the Lone Star State next month to visit family. Much barbecue will ensue.

  11. when you said there were texas rangers posted on the border to keep the barbecue secrets from escaping….
    i instantly pictured baseball players in game uniforms, sitting in guard towers on the border.
    iFail 🙂

  12. 2 things,

    1. Good BBQ exists in small pockets out side the south. We do that stuff right here in Chicago.
    2. From now on I'm going to tell people i'm an expert onf the middle east becasue I have read Dune. Hijinks will surely Ensue

  13. You gotta try Casper's (site). Though technically it's in Shoreline and not Seattle. The owner is a transplant from the South, and I found it awesome.

  14. As a Seattleite I'd take exception to this comic… except now I'm craving salmon for some strange reason. Hawaii has better pork than Texas any day of the week dude, sorry.

  15. All we've got up here is Old Bay seasoning and some crabs. Sometimes they come from the bay, the rest of the time we just steal 'em from Louisiana. I'd sure love some brisket from the Hill Country.

  16. LOL, you crazy Americans, clearly the best people for BBQ live in the arse-end of the world. (AKA Australia).
    True fact.
    When you hear "Australian Cuisine" you think BBQ

  17. Nobody, NOBODY, barbecues better than Australians. (if by barbecue you mean burning red meat whilst watching sports and drinking yourself into a coma.)

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