Look, I’m sure there is actually some good (not great) barbecue in the Pacific Northwest but you have to give it to the South when we actually do something right. And there are two things we do better than anyone else: 1) racism and 2) barbecue. You might think you’ve had good barbecue up north but that’s like saying you fully understand the conflict in the middle east because you read Dune.  You just don’t have a proper barometer by which to measure your meats (note: meats should always me measured with a properly calibrated, stainless steel meat barometer).

I say all of that not to offend my northern brothers, but to make myself feel better for living in Texas. It’s hot, bigoted, and really super crazy hot. Let me have the meats. That’s all I ask.

Ewok Stare Shirt

Though I do take full responsibility for possibly offending Seattle meat enthusiasts (the name of my L7 cover band), I do have to give credit for the idea that sparked this comic to Stephen “Stepto” Toulouse. He is a former fellow Dallasite, current Seattle transplant and the Director of Policy and Enforcement for Xbox LIVE. I think that means he wields a giant ban-hammer. I don’t really know for sure. Anyway, like most who leave the south for hipper pastures he soon learned that there are Texas Rangers posted in turrets all along the northern border of Texas who instantly shoot and kill (and occasionally roundhouse kick to death) anyone who tries to leave Texas with our barbecue secrets. The only Texan ever allowed to leave the state with “The Lonestar Rub” was Sam Houston and that was only so he could throw it in the face of Ohio Congressmen William Stanbery to blind him before he beat him to death with a hickory stick. We take this shit seriously, is all I’m saying.

Why do I tell you all of this? In order to tell you this:


Those of you wise enough to head my call will witness performances by Adam Savage of Mythbusters, Paul and Storm, comedian Paul F. Tompkins (playing the part of Wil Wheaton), the aforementioned Stepto, Bill Amend, Molly Lewis, Jason Finn and possibly if not certainly additional surprises! Also, I will be there just hanging out!  GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!