What Did You Blu, Ray?

I’m fairly certain “Batman and Robin” was never actually unleashed on the public in 1080p super-crisp-bat-nipple-ocular-assault format, but the possibility alone is enough to make me wear a welder’s mask at all times. If you are foolish enough to watch “BatNips” please do so through an appropriate Rifftrax filter.

I honestly thought I would never have to comment on the HD format war again, but in an unprecedented and uncharacteristic display of non-douche behavior, Warner Brothers is letting you trade your Warner HD-DVD’s for their BluRay equivalent. You do have to pay $5 + shipping and send in the paper insert from each disc, but you get to keep your HD-DVD’s. I think it’s WB’s way of saying “we don’t want that busted shit in your house.”

Warner Bros. is obviously admitting a mistake here. They are apologizing for their unfortunate part in a partisan war that was designed from the ground up to divide the geek population and cause heavy casualties. Given this new found conscience, I would like to formally ask Warners to provide reparations for anyone that purchased any of the following WB items:

Metallica’s “St. Anger”
Paris Hilton’s Album (I refuse to look up the title, but let’s just assume it’s called “MoneyTitsVagFlash”)
Dawson’s Creek on DVD (Why did Joey have to end up with Pasey!? Why didn’t Dawson show her how much she meant to him when he had the chance?!)
One Tree Hill on DVD (Why did Chad Michael Murray have to leave Dawson’s Creek!? Why!?)
“Comedy” albums by any of the “Blue Collar” dudes… actually, no. I take that back. If you bought these you deserve no mercy. Wallow in the anguish you have created for yourself. Despair for all eternity in loneliness and shame.

If you have a stack of dusty maroon boxes and want to get nice new shiny blu ones, check out red2blu.com for instructions. I wonder if the other studios like Universal will jump on board with this concept. I wonder if now might be a good time to go pick up a bunch of WB HD-DVD’s for $10 in bargain bins and start trading them in. The whole Harry Potter series? Anyone? I’m just sayin’.

Crank Dat

Full Title: “Watch Me Crank Dat Statham Boy, Then IronMan Dat Hoe”
[the hoe in question being either Amy Smart or Pepper Potts]

Maybe Iron Man should call his friend, James “BROdey” Rhodes.

Guys, come in close. Closer. I want to level with you for a minute. I want to bare my soul. This comic was extremely difficult to make. Not because the art was particularly challenging, and not because I tripped over the verbage. It was the subject matter. Making fun of “Crank 2” is like making fun of a movie where a guy has his heart removed (for some reason) and replaced with a robot heart that runs on a laptop battery which must constantly be recharged through a series of escalating violent and sexual exploits. Ridiculous, right?

The premise already so comical that in order to make a joke about it I had to reach into a parallel universe and pluck out a character that might be able to relate to Jason Statham (I think his name in teh film is Crank-O) through the shared experience of having one’s pulmonary system artificially and forcibly augmented by foreigners. Sometimes my job is hard.

I was pleased to read, however, that “Crank 2” doesn’t take itself seriously enough to get caught up in the trappings of it’s own absurd plot devices. It seems, rather, that the movie has fun with it’s own stupidity by constantly upping the anty in terms of over the top violence (strippers shot in the chest leak breast implant goo… seriously), action and sex (Statham is at one point urged to “rub up against some one” to create enough static electricity to “charge his battery… the battery is his penis).

So I suppose if you want to replace your brain with an artificial brain that has to be fed a steady stream of tits, gore, car chases and explosions (that REALLY doesn’t sound all that bad actually), “Crank 2” might be just the thing to keep your robo-brain from entering sleep mode.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY “CRANK MAD LIBS”?

In “Crank 3,” [group/ethnicity/organization] steal Jason Statham’s [body part/penis] and replace with with a [noun] that has to be [verb]ed every hour or it [someting bad]’s all over the place.

The Tigh’s That Blind

Last weekend was Dallas Comic Con. I didn’t go but Denise and Eli made it out to take some pics. Colonel Tigh (Michael Hogan) was there sans eye patch which seemed like a problem that should have been rectified. I can only hope that he answered each question in the affirmative by letting out that famous Caprican strip club “YEEAAAARRRGGGGHHH!” from the BSG finale.

Episode VI: Return Of The Creative Accounting Practices

Lucas has a discreet taxidermist who stuffed and mounted all of the Ewoks. Apparently their outer coat of fur is easily removed with a naturally occurring zipper, but their inner “skin-layer” is more difficult. Also midgets don’t like being stuffed.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader‘s torso and limbs in the original Star Wars trilogy, says he has never been paid residuals on “Return of The Jedi“ because the film has never made a profit. I’m calling bantha shit. Or at least space-shenanigans. I’m sure Deathstars are quite expensive, and I know the per diem rate for an Ewok wrangler is pretty high, but to say a film that cost $32 million and has made $475 million HASN’T made a profit verges on space-madness.

Apparently this type of shaft-the-actor contract isn’t all that uncommon in Hollywood. It’s also standard practice to make sure a film stays in the red [on paper] indefinitely. Maybe Prowse should have fought for a better contract, but seeing as how neither his face nor his voice actually appear in the film, it would have been pretty easy for Lucas to replace in with another gigantically huge actor (it seems England is full of them).

I’m sure Lucas will do right by Prowse eventually. “David, your checks all came in. Their in the garbage masher on the detention level. Just slide down this shoot…”

QUESTION: What other expenses might Lucas have written off to keep “Jedi” from making any profit? Droid lube? 400 cases of malt liquor (per Dee Williams’ contract rider). Flanel polish?

“Darth Vader” Actor, David Prowse Asks: “Where’s My Money?”

When Memes Attack

Let me preface by saying that I am in no way making fun of the situation, the people that were killed or the brave men and women that performed the rescue operation. I am making fun of the fact that it is 2000-and-fucking-9 and THERE ARE STILL ACTUAL PIRATES! How does this happen? How are their people alive on this planet that make their living pillaging and hoarding booty and such? Do they have wenches? Peg legs? Peg boys? It really does seem too ridiculous to NOT have come crawling out of the internet.

Question time:
What meme should come to life next, and how will it manifest in the real world?