Yes, Jack Shephard, there is a Santa Claus

Perhaps you’ve heard of the plight of little Tommy Westphal. His father and grandfather just didn’t understand his autism, so they locked him in a room, beat him with extension cords and made him watch St. Elsewhere.

This comic marks the 3rd and final in my LOST-centric series. Why does Josh get to play the regressed man-child TV-tard? (I literally answered the question in that sentence) Because he’s been a consummate cheerleader for LOST. Even in the dark times, the pointless times, the unnecessarily confusing times. He always assumes there has to be a plan. All of this will pay off someday, right? It will not.

LOST is your drunken boyfriend. When he’s good, things seem generally OK. There might be a future for the two of you. But when he’s bad you get two black eyes (he must have told you twice) and side-plots about hunky Brazilian diamond thieves. One of these days, LOST is going to go too far and your going to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie staring Meredith Baxter–Birney. LOST probably has a second family in Orlando.

He’s a pirate first, and a ghost second

Here’s the 2nd in what is shaping up to be a 3 part Lost series. So you’ve seen the finale by now. Halfway through the super-secret flash forward I had it figured out. Being the studious gadget geek that I am, it was impossible to miss Jack’s Motorola KRZR (the “K” is for krazy), which would have been released in 2006. He might as well have been listening to “Jesus Take The Wheel” and buying tickets to Bad Mother Fucker Jedi vs. The Wicked Serpents.

About the comic. It was a toss up between “Zoinks” and “Jinkys.” Much like Sophie, I had to make a choice. I imagine the next scene would be Locke pulling off Jacob’s rubber mask coated in phosphorescent paint and revealing “it was Old man Hanso from the abandoned DHARMA station all along!” and then throwing a Bowie-knife into his back.

On a side note; in a very Howard Hughes-esque move, Jacob seems to jar his own urine. Perhaps he’s also a reclusive billionaire who’s trying to build a fancifully large wooden plane.

Meeemp! is the sound the alarm makes

I once said that Lost is like reading the first 3 chapters of 10 different books, then going back 6 months later and reading 17 random pages from 5 of the books. What do you do with the other 5 books? (the story started with 10 remember?) You lose those books for at least a year.

(I’d like to point out at this point that I’ve used several numbers in this post. Before you call the feds, I’ve done my research and 3, 10, 6, 17, 5, 5, and 10 are not illegal when used in that order. Some numbers ARE illegal. Be careful.)

Ok so here we are at least a year and a half later, and you find those remaining five books. You pick up on those where you left off low those many months ago. You remember what was going on in those chapters, (sort of) but you’ve basically lost interest (lost…get it?). One of the guys in the 3rd book (of the 2nd set of 5) turns out to be the same guy that caused this one guy from the 4th book (of the first set of 5) to loose his job, and thus go home, get drunk and beat his kids. Who did those kids turn out to be? Fuck you, that’s who.

And scene.

UPDATE 5/27/07

Damn you Henry Ian Cusick and your acursed ambiguous accent! A pox on you! A reader pointed out that Demond is supposed to be Sottish, not Irish. Two comics in and I’ve already issued a retraction. Thanks to Adam Y.

A soul as black as eyeliner

I saw Spider-Man 3 on opening weekend. It has since made god-caliber moneys. Somewhere in the neighborhood of a gabillion-fillion if I’m not mistaken. The effects were more believable than the previous two. The CG Peter was less “burley brawl” this time around. That being said, the movie as a whole left me empty, or possibly hungry. The performances were stalled and uninteresting, and the story served only to facilitate the gaps between aerial battles (fun to watch though they were). I took great pleasure in the fact that the shift from “Sweet Lovable Hero Peter” to “Gropey Horny Asshole Peter” was illustrated with a determined downward drag of the comb.

As I expected, they got Venom all wrong (casting and execution). If I had to pick a “That 70’s show” alumnus to play Eddie Brock, it would have been Kurtwood Smith. Also, I don’t remember Harry Osbourne’s Green Goblin being a character from SSX Tricky. They should have made him the dude from Excite Bike. He’d spend the whole movie creating a custom track, only to find that after hours of work it was impossible to ride due to the overuse of ramps.

Update 5/17/07

Apparently Rolling Stone and 25% of Fall Out Boy agree with my assessment.