Tom Cruise could defeat a Balrog

I think I’ve pretty much said my piece on Tom Cruise, so I will dispense with any additional rant and simply continue with the story of how he remembers saving New York city on September 11th, 2001.

I’m really having fun exploring the idea that Tom Cruise has basically every magical or super power and can recall them at will. I also like establishing that he is simultaneously an ageless wizard, a crime fighter, a Christ figure and a douche barrel of inordinate magnitude.

I realized when writing this story that I was going to have to account for where the towers went (because even Tom knows they aren’t there any more). In an earlier draft Tom Cruise lets out a Banshee-like wail and reduces the towers to rubble himself. He does this to remove the temptation for future terrorist attacks. He was also going to slide into NY on an ice bridge a la Iceman, but there are only so many panels. And, really, you can’t get any more pimp than a giant eagle. You pull up to a club in a magical eagle and they let you right in. Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.

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47 Comments

  1. Hate to be the spelling nazi, but it’s renowned, not renound.

    Love the site, love the comic, hope you don’t hate me for pointing that out.

    • Sorry, I was using the Scientological spelling. I don’t hate. I simply bottle up my aggression until I punch a baby or something.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. For some reason this jars loose a memory of my mother watching Tom Cruise on the old Rosie O'Donnel show. I recall confusing the hell out of my dear mum by telling her how Rosie's audioclip of "Tommy can you hear me" was not so much creepy in a stalkerish pretend-she-isn't-a-lesbian way, but that it was creepy in the deaf-dumb-and-blind-kid wannabee wacked out new age messiah way.

    • Lee, glad you got a kick out of it.

      On a side note, I had heard about the shitcocks of WBC picketing Heath Ledger’s funeral but I hadn’t seen the actual flyer (hate release?) until I looked at your site. It has to rot you from the inside out to be THAT filled with aimless hate. I bet its like an addiction for them. No matter how much hate and anger they consume, the desperate pit inside them just gets deeper.

      That was depressing.

      YAY! FUNNY COMICS! YAYAAYAYAYAYAY!

  3. Not to propagate unproven rumors (despite the fact that is indeed what I’m doing) have you heard the theory that Holmes didn’t have Tom’s child, that it’s actually from the frozen sperm of E.R.H.?

    If you had mentioned this to me 2 years ago, I would have laughed at you and asked where you left your tin foil hat. But now…… I actually give this theory some thought.

    • Would not surprise me in the least. The joke’s going to be on Tom when he doesn’t get a messiah but rather a clone of a shitty scifi writer.

      There whole relationship always smelled of PR stunt to me. They seem incredibly uncomfortable together. Im sure Katie realized that her acting career probably wouldnt survive the Dawson’s Creek stigma, so when Tom’s lawyer’s presented her with the proposal it made a lot of sense.

      • That’s not the only rumor regarding baby Suri. It’s rumored that some in the church of Scientology think Suri is LRH reincarnated. They believe in reincarnation, that’s a fact, but this rumor? Who knows? I like to think it’s true, though.

  4. The newscaster looks like one of the guys from Celebrity Deathmatch.

    Also, I think I’ve seen his staff before. What’s it from?

    Great comic br0, keep up the good work.

    • Ok, I am not even kidding. I had this image in my head when I drew that guy and I’ve been staring at it all day wondering who it was.

      Its the Celebrity Deathmatch guy!

      BINGBINGBINGBING! You win. I can be at peace now.

  5. I want a t-shirt that has the pic of Tom Cruise from the third panel of Pt 1 that says “God had nothing to do with it. Just thank Tom Cruise.” written around it, with an American flag in the background and maybe some extra flair, like an eagle clutching a baby in its talons, or something. MAKE IT SO, JOEL! PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!

    Now that I think about it, maybe that eagle thing would be better on its own shirt…

    “Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.” LMAO 🙂

  6. I want a t-shirt that has the pic of Tom Cruise from the third panel of Pt 1 that says “God had nothing to do with it. Just thank Tom Cruise.” written around it, with an American flag in the background and maybe some extra flair, like an eagle clutching a baby in its talons, or something. MAKE IT SO, JOEL! PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!

    Now that I think about it, maybe that eagle thing would be better on its own shirt…

    “Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.” LMAO 🙂

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