The next day a Greek inventor named Jockus Strapsimus changed everything

When Joss Whedon gives you a script for a comic book based movie centered on a strong female lead, and you are too stupid to understand what has just happened you no longer deserve the mighty “greenlighting” power that you wield.I remember him blogging about the project when it was originally in the works and the frustration he felt from not being able to please “the suits” was obvious. You could tell he poored his heart into the draft we will never see on screen then winced as he was asked continually to abort it piece by piece. I’m sure, by the end, he was glad to be rid of the project. Now that it’s back on (maybe), they’ll hire some hot-shot hit-maker douche taster to “zazz it up” and give us another Cat Woman.

I was ONLY excited about a Wonder Woman movie when Joss was attached to it. Otherwise I am totally ambivalent to the character. She’s one of those way-too-perfect throwbacks from the primordial comic days that leaves everything to be desired. More so than Superman, in my opinion. Why Batman hangs out with those two, I’ll never know. Neither one of them would know a good “brood” if it bat-a-rang’d them in the face.

I did this comic with the IM chat windows just to get it out of my system. You see, originally THIS (look above) was the idea for HijiNKS Ensue. I would have amusing chat conversations with Josh or Eli, then draw comics based on them. But I actually wanted to show the IM’s. I realized pretty quick that this would be extremely limiting from both an art and writing standpoint, so I modified the formula. Most of the first 50 or so comics were birthed from chat-wombs, but that was as far as it went.

So I figured, “why the eff not?” and made one based on the original (rejected) HE concept, just to say I did.

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  1. Isn't it called a bat-a-rang? Not sure. Great comic though. I actually enjoyed the IM thing but I can see how limiting it is to you. Fit this one just fine though. How's this weeks podcast coming along? I need something to listen to at the gym. And Wonder Woman is a useless character but I agree Whedon could make it great.

  2. Anyone that can get Whedon to write a whole freakin' script for the type of character he was born to write…and then throws it away… deserves to be one-balled.

  3. So, when they changed Wonder Woman so that she could just fly on her own, how did they explain the whole Invisible Jet thing, or did they just ret-con that out of existence? My friends and I mused that the invisible jet was just an excuse she made up cause she could always fly on her own, but only in a sitting position.

  4. LOL for some reason, that got me thinking of the Family Guy skit where Wonder Woman is flying in her invisible jet, but as it turns out, she was sitting on the can.

  5. I have attempted archery and I'm here to tell you, getting nipple-whipped by a bowstring is no joke. However, a good substantial leather corset takes care of that problem handily [and makes lots of friends!]

  6. Actually… a lot of women choose to just "hack one off" due to breast cancer. I agree though, I would rather have both lopped off. Then I'd probably get a dick. I hate Freud.

  7. How does one make an 'effective' Wonder Woman movie that isn't cheesecake bondage porn? It seems kind of pointless to try and add depth to a character who doesn't have much potential for depth in the first place.

  8. Then I'm going to counter-recommend Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's All-Star Superman, as the antidote to Frank Miller's growing batshit insanity. Morrison is one of the few writers who "gets" Superman, and makes him relevant and interesting – no small feat in this age of "meh, I don't like Superman, he's too powerful."

    Seriously, read it. The most recent issue goes beyond merely "good" into "religiously transcendent."

  9. Well, maybe cheesecake bondage porn is the way to go. After all, William Marston's original WW comics were all a vehicle for his increasingly fanatical ideas about "loving submission" to female authority. Within a couple of years, it seemed, every villainess ended up a willing slave to the Amazons on Paradise Island, where bondage games were considered wholesome entertainment for young women, and who…

    Ah, screw this, I'll be in my bunk.

  10. Heh, yeah, the invisible jet went the way of Bat-Mite. Still, I loved how Darwyn Cooke used it in New Frontier, where all you could see was Wonder Woman's blood defining the seams.

  11. I'm thinking they don't really "choose" to remove anything. "In need to remove my breast because it's killing me" is a lot different from wanting to shoot better. It's a real shitty choice.

    I'm thinking if I had to, I'd go the hollow fake breast route and just use it as a purse.

    Have they gotten any good at vagina inversion yet?

  12. Don't get me wrong, I'd pay good money to see someone do Wonder Woman on the big screen as one giant lesbian BDSM party, Marston-style. But I don't think we're going to get that anytime soon, either.

  13. I don't know, if they did a Metroid movie with the production values it looks like they're putting into Ironman that would be pretty bad ass. I'd go see it. Picture it, Uma Thurman as Samus Aran.

  14. Much like Superman, I always thought Wonder Woman was pretty lame. Lets review sha'll we. She can deflect bullets with her bracers… riiiiight… and she has a lasso that makes people tell the truth. If I recall she's also super strong. And apparently she can fly and/or has an invisible jet depending on who you talk to. And this seemed like a good idea to someone? I don't know, I've never liked anything from the DC universe with the exception of Batman, and one or two of the lesser knowns (mostly the much later additions). Hell, the only time I actually liked the Superman series was when they killed the bastard. Now Marvel on the other hand, they can make some good super heroes.

    Speaking of which, has anyone seen the latest incredible hulk trailor? It looks surprisingly decent, particularly given the craptastic one released previously. Looks like they're going for a sort of Jeckyl and Hyde type feel to him though, where he's learning that since he can't get rid of the hulk, at least maybe he can try to channel it into something useful.

  15. All Star Superman is indeed classic, even for those who look down upon the character.

    I enjoy Miller's further decent into madness with All Star Batman and Robin simply because of how batshit crazy insane the book is. It's his platform to fuck with fanboys and I love it.

  16. Wonder Woman will only work as a solo film if Whedon is working on it plain and simple. The only other alternative is having her as part of a team in a Justice League movie.

  17. Yes, I would accept All-Star Superman as the appropriate counter. I stopped buying comics a few months ago – we (my wife) decided that the 100$ a month would be better spent on furniture for the soon-to-arrive baby – but I was reading ASS (unfortunate acronym, no?) until that point.

    It's unfortunate that no-one bothers to do as much with the character as Miller did, I had high hopes for Morrison when he went to Batman, but what I saw before I left, while entertaining, wasn't necessarily as ground-breaking as I hoped.

    I only got a few of the ASB&R before I quit – I had been warned to stay away at first, because it was so bad, and got into it later, after everyone realized it was bad on purpose. Definitely a guilty pleasure.

  18. Well, that's changing more now. A lot of the more recent Metroid games are featuring more of the backstory of Samus, and she's spending more time sans armor as well. Of course, even if she never takes the armor off till right at the end I think it would still be pretty bad ass. Particularly if they tried to play it up for the people that had never played the games (assuming they would go). Imagine if they did the whole movie as like a space shoot em up type thing where she's in the armor the whole time, and whenever she talks it's just this sort of robotic synthetic voice, then right at the end just before the credits role she takes the suit off. Do the plot similar to the last Prime game where it's here and a bunch of bounty hunters all on a mission with here as sort of the last man standing.

  19. Lets hope not. Besides, it's looking like Uwe's days are numbered. With the bitch slap he received from Blizzard, and the tax loophole in Germany that's been funding him being closed he's going to be hard pressed to find any backing.

  20. So, after reading the comic yesterday, I noticed that the cover of our alt-weekly paper here in Denver prominently features the same topic. I can't find a good picture of it, but here's the tiny shot they have on the website: . It may be hard to make out the little pair of scissors performing the unfortunate operation on the bull, but they're there.

    What's the deal with cutting off balls intersecting my life lately? First it was mentioned repeatedly in "A Feast for Crows" by George R. R. Martin which I just finished last week. Then the comic, and now the local paper! I'm gonna buy me a Victorian Age chastity belt, a big hunk of iron undies to protect me from the impending Ballocalypse! Of course, I can just see the headline now, "Local man looses testicles in tragic chastity belt accident." Fate, you are a bitch sometimes, aren't ya?

  21. Yeah, on any company-owned series he does, Morrison can swing from brilliant to meh. I still keep up with him on Batman, and Dini on Detective, because when the stories ARE good, they're worth the wait. Though I should note that I *ahem* get my comics by less expensive means.

    Obligatory: Do you know why All-Star Superman abbreviates to ASS? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT KICKS!

  22. Ive read this 4 times and I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. When your wife gets here in a few minutes Im going to hide this from her so she can still respect you. Travel has made your mind weary.

  23. So I should worry when they hit nipple level, or can I wait until they start buzzing the belly button? Cause, you know, a little crow + nipple action really should be enjoyed if possible.

  24. I was 100% Marvel until they killed Superman. I started reading a few DC books then and I was surprised how campy most of the heroes were. Still there was something compelling that kept me coming back for a few years.

  25. I always thought the JLA movie was too ambitious (much like the team itself). Each member is too grand to share screen time. JLU the series was a brilliant cartoon, though. Just make a straight to DVD movie of that (which they sort of just did).

  26. One of the big differences I've noticed between the Marvel and DC universes, is that Marvel tends to have more sci-fi type superheros, you know, they get their powers from radiation or gadgets or lab accidents/experiments, and only rarely is some semi-mystical force involved. On the DC universe on the other hand the opposite seems to be true with most of their heroes being of the mystical kind, or in some cases inexplicably powerful aliens. It's always made the Marvel characters much easier to relate to and believe in.

  27. This has absolutely nothing to do with the comic, but it's something I've wanted to ask for a while: Would you draw me? Not necessarily in one of your regular comics, but just a version of me in comic form that I could use as an avatar. You probably get a lot of requests for that kind of thing so it's cool if you say nay to this dream o' mine, but if there's something I could do for you in return then I'm open to negotiations. I'm not really good at anything in particular but if you ever come to the Portland, OR area and need a place to crash, I have 3 sweet couches for you to choose from.

  28. first of all, Wonder Woman is boring. To me.

    second, did you read Y the last man? they had a whole amazonian thing, but that book is borderline misogynistic. still good though.

  29. I never bought into the boobectomy thing. It was obviously thought up by a man, cause no woman would just hack one off. It would leave you off balance, some worse off than other, depending on cup (seashell?) size. You'd totally suck at running or swimming or anything requiring balance, like…vine walking or whatever Amazonians do. They'd whack off both of them.

    Yes. I have thought this through. They do get in the way sometimes.

    If you're gonna go, go all the way.

  30. Joel i just gotta say, for some reason Jockus Strapsimus hit me right, and i'm wiping the tears out of my eyes. thanx man i need a good laff with the day i had.

  31. I’m calling for an all Whedon zombie hoard boycott of this movie. Aside from the fact this movie will most likely be nothing more than a candy coated piece of crap, if I don’t do it, someone else will. At least I can say I started it. Whedon was made to write “super female” parts. I mean, just look at angel. HA!

    Everything else aside, I am seriously never watching this movie. She was one of my least favorite comic book heroes anyways. I might as well use her to make a point. Is anyone else with me?

    I did the same thing with Tom Cruise when he went insane. I'm tired of paying the man. And it was super hard for me cause I was still holding out for Days Thunder 2.

    Also, (I cannot believe I am about to make a MTV reference), does anyone remember the MTV awards where Jack Black and Sara Michelle Gellar hosted? Remember they CGI’d the crap out of Spiderman so he was a fatass? Then he ran into Mary Jane, who was SMG, who turned out to be wonder woman?

    I’m thinking, Whedon, Gellar….. WonderWoman09?

  32. Now *THAT* has to come back in the future. It's a ball. It's a man. It's …ball-man. And she's got a craving for vengeance. Or, maybe, you know…. something more clever than that.

  33. Not to be sexist, but I think we've seen that superheroine movies don't sell. At all. At the very least, Whedon's would've become a DVD cult classic, which I totally wouldn't be opposed to. Five bucks says they'll make it even worse by having some sort of a-list twat play the lead.

    And Bats only hangs around the other two for the sake of his image. It's bad enough he even HAS a "ward", but could you imagine if he ONLY hung around with his "ward"? I see LJA/Teen Titans abuse scandals…

  34. Never really had any opinion on Wonder Woman, I was really more of a Marvel reader. I'm right with you on thinking Superman is too pristine and good. Did you read Miller's The Dark Knight Returns? Without going into too much detail, there is an entirely satisfying Superman/Batman fight in the last book. I cannot recommend it more highly.

  35. still wouldn't matter, a Metroid movie would tank at the box office because Samus Aran without the suit was a complete afterthought, she's not actually a real character. Tony Stark is a real character.

  36. That's the catch; it wouldn't happen. Iron Man is going to be kickass because it's Marvel producing it. Metroid would probably wind up in the hands of Uwe Boll, which means some random hooker would get the lead. 🙁

  37. I'm debating on whether to offer commissioned art in the store. Not because I dont want to do it, but I dont know if I have time. If I did this it would be digital only, and based on the size/complexity of the piece. For now I will say that I am open to this idea, but not ready quite yet. I will post an announcement if/when I can offer this.

  38. I remember them doing the rain scene to the T (pun intended) by showing SMG in a wet shirt, just like Kirsten "snaggletooth" Dunst in the movie.

    Also, Peter Parker shooting web out of his penis and picking the costume cause it was just the "right amount of gay".

    I remember a whole lot of that awards show, actually. Jack Black as a drunk elf who got the One Ring pierced through his dong.

  39. *none* of you have ever read the wonder woman series, yet you sit here chatting about it like a bunch of old ladies! seriously, wonder woman's depth has been explored in fiction (just one of which delves whether her existence, having been created by greek gods, contradicts the existence of the monotheistic G-d – this novel is nuts but in a good way), as well as almost 70 years of comics! she has a lot of problems. one, she never gets laid. this, by itself, would be an awesome problem to solve – get wonder woman a boyfriend for the movie. and hell yes, for two, those sexually repressed amazons on themyscira (the real name of paradise island, if you will) are always all over each other but never actually getting it on. they should get some action too. three, diana is gifted the wisdom of athena and at one point actually dies and becomes the goddess of truth – she's also been through countless personal crises over whether she's useful in 'man's world' since she hasn't had any luck teaching us to live in peace and harmony. and four, regarding your question of the invisible jet, when princess diana, aka wonder woman, first left themyscira for 'man's world' i.e. the u.s., she could not fly on her own. one of the greek gods gave her winged sandals at some point, which she used to fly with, until she acquired the invisible jet. she lent the sandals to a sidekick at some point and you never hear about them again, but SHE STILL HAS THE JET. only it's a crazy invisible spacecraft which folds down to the size of a compact mirror at her whim! this in and of itself needs to be created on screen! you should look at some of her recent comics – she had this one almost-boyfriend, a black dreddy guy who worked at the UN, and another, a blue hindu deity – though she never got down with either one, they both got to check out her invisible-jet-turned space-ship – it's made of some alien material that you wish you could play with, nerdy boys. hell that movie would be the bomb if it was done right.

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