Later he changed the name to “Holodeck”

I’ve gone on record as saying the entire idea of the “Star Trek Utopia” would fall apart the moment the common man had access to a machine that let you fuck any person, living or dead, in any fashion, in any scenario that they desired. The pillars of civilization would break down and society would cease to be.

Think about it. The weirdest, most fucked up, abstract perversion you’ve ever even imagined could be fully realized in seconds without having to get consent from another living human being.

“Computer, please run program Riker 1.”

“Define Parameters.”

“Let’s see. It’s Tuesday, so how about a woman, 1o, no 18 feet tall with the face of Dwight Eisenhower, the body of a 1968 Chevrolet pickup truck…”

“Define Transmission.”

“…manual, and the hind legs of a North American Wildebeest.”

“Define sexual orientation.”

“Put 3 vaginas… 1 meter in diameter, placed randomly on it’s torso. A double headed human male penis on it’s forehead, and instead of eyes, 7 more vaginas… variable diameters and depths.”

“Define location.”

“My seveth grade English classroom. Populate with professional wrestlers in sun dresses urinating into plastic lunch boxes, orangutans with machine guns on trampolines, and 2 middle aged men having a furious argument in Russian. Naked of course”

“Enter when ready.”

Either society would crumble… or all men and women everywhere would be completely happy and fulfilled. The divorce rate would plummet, crime would all but vanish… damn it. THAT’s what brings about the utopia. Everyone is getting their hump on to the fullest possible extent.

Regardless, I made this comic because I’ve been watching “Voyager” reruns late at night. Last night I saw the episodes “Fair Haven” and “Spirit Folk” where Captain Janeway starts dating a hologram that Tom Paris programmed. No one gives her any shit either. They’re all, “so how’s it going with your boyfriend, the application?” Let me make clear that if she were just BONING a hologram (their intended use) I would have no issue with it. No, she falls IN LOVE with it. That’s like me getting romantically involved with my FTP utility and expecting my peers and loved ones to accept it.

“You don’t understand! CyberDuck and I are in love! Isn’t that right, CyberDuck?”

“Open connection, Bookmarks, Quick Connect, Action, Refresh, Edit, Disconnect”

“SEE!? HE LOVES ME!!!”

You’re all bigots. Shame on you.

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105 Comments

  1. that's sort of a shitty flaw for a Captain. falling in love with a program? he can't leave the 50 feet of the Holodeck! or was that TNG

    anyway, I'd fuck Moriarty.

    >_> what?

  2. Enjoying how your glee in panels 1-3 changes to wide-eyed outrage for the last. Also enjoying the little figures in the Sexamotron display.

    So, you gonna wear your blue shirt costume for the next blogcast? Go on…you know you want to!

  3. If I recall correctly the emitter was also from the future and under Starfleets laws illegal to posses. Of course, being way out in the middle of god damned no where Voyager wasn't really under Starfleet law anymore, so it's kind of a moot point, but when they finally get home it's an issue that would need resolving. In the most likely case I'm sure there would be some huge legal battle over whether the doctor was an actual entity with any legal rights or not, and next thing you know people would be campaigning for the ethical treatment of holograms outside holodecks across the confederation.

  4. Didn't Harry Kim cop a whole lot of flak (from Tom Paris) for falling in love with a holo-girl one time? Or was that more of a general 'wanting what you can't have' jibe, I wonder? With Kim's track record, it's hard to tell.

    I did love the honesty the holodeck was handled with, in DS9 by Quark, and even the Voyager doc suggesting 'holodeck use' for Tuvok in the grips of Pon Farr. And, now that I think about it, wasn't one of Barclay's programs highly suggestive? (I'm almost certain I got the idea he had a thing for Troi from one of his programs.) I don't want to even think about what Kirk would've programmed if he'd had access to a holodeck…

    Seriously, people are NOT going to use this for sex? People are not ALREADY using this for sex? No matter how 'evolved' humanity is by then, they'll still be human. And, if certain internet simulators today are anything to judge by, a number of humans do love the fake sex.

    On a complete tangent, I always wanted a uniform like Janeway's, though Voyager was never my favourite series of Star Trek. It was okay, I just preferred TNG.

  5. heh, Bones.

    I never really enjoyed Janeway's high and mighty act.

  6. The best DS9 episode was Quark trying to get this guy Kira's holodeck scan, being paid big bucks to break rules, being found out, but not punished. Instead they put HIS head and voice in the body, and let the customer get pissed off during "testing time" and leave!

  7. As Holo-doubles, I'd bang Troi, Jadzia, Kira, Keiko, Seven, B'elanna, Kes and Yar. She'd be fun to yell out during. YARRRRR!

    Might have forgotten a few, but that's due to…distractions. <.< o.o >.>

  8. Tsk! You forgot the Doc's holoemitter! /geek

  9. Imagine the Sexamotron being used by swingers (if they actually still exist; I should know better than to go off of episodes of CSI). Instead of inviting the neighborhood over for some freaky-deaky extramarital sex, they press a button and JANGO! they've got the Star Wars cantina lined up and ready for action.

  10. My question is, who's cleaning the sexamotron? I mean, Klingon gang-bang sounds awesome and everything, but nobody's going to use it if it smells like a foot made of dicks.

  11. Utopias are always built upon the backs of some underpriviledged class, in this case the Holodeck janitors. Being a military organization, the Federation just uses this duty as punishment.

    "Ensign Wesley, you maggot, you better scrub down Holodeck 3 with your toothbrush until I can see my own taint reflecting back from the floor!"

    I suppose the Holobooths then are the equivalent to porn theater booths. Do they have holo-glory holes? Like, the ultimate realization of tele-dildonics, only with forcefields and projectors instead of the unweildy Fleshlight-like tubes and wires we're all currently using. But still, some poor sap has to come in and clean up, or knock on the door and tell them to insert more pressed latinum.

  12. Jesus christ. It's made of light and transporters! It's self-cleaning you anti-nerd!

  13. Dangit, doug beat me to it, but I was greatly amused by Joel's near-crazed expression in panel 3. To be sure, I probably wouldn't use the Sexamotron to the fullest creative use as the examples oh so vividly exemplified.

    Though any such device SURELY has the intent of betterment of mankind in mind when it was created.

  14. My question is, how did they get Starfleet to approve a project named "Sexamotron"?

  15. I love Joel's finger-in-the-hole sign language in panel 3.

  16. i remembered that, but like….he needed to have it put on him, cause he was important. he even got to sit in on meetings and shit like that.

    also, he had to like, be turned on at a console, if First Contact is to be believed.

    mea culpa, nerd dom.

  17. young Beverly Crusher?

    and Pulaski.

    just kidding!

  18. Bones: "He's flaccid, Jim. There's nothing I can do! I'm a doctor, not a fluffer!"

  19. Where's the love for Yeoman Rand?

  20. There's almost a child-like gleefulness to it, isn't there?

  21. Isn't this, basically, Second Life?

  22. I would totally use something like that to have br00tal fights.
    Me vs. 300 Spartans. And I'm in power armor with a plasma cannon. Yeahhh.

  23. You forgot the tractor beams and shaped force fields, so don't be so quick to throw around the anti-nerd label there, bucko. Besides, you ever try cleaning drying bodily fluids up with a mop made of light? What's that you say, they just transport it off the ship? Usually into the path of a chasing Romulan cruiser?

    Picard: "Get us out of here, Warp 9, engage."

    Worf: "Sir, the Romulans are pursuing."

    Picard: "Worf, fire Pearl Necklace, let's see how they like a little ship-to-ship facial."

    Romulan: "Sir, we've lost visual of the Enterprise, the forward sensor array appears to have been slimed."

  24. Loved the hand gesture in 3rd panel, and the enthusiastic look in 4th. Great as usual 😉

  25. All starfleet vessels were equipped with an EMH. Voyager was the only vessel to turn theres on and leave it on permanently. There was even an episode about giving the doc access to turn himself on and off. One time his mobile emitter broke and no one cared and he pouted in the sickbay for weeks. All in all, he was one of the only stand out characters from that series.

  26. If I had one, you bet. When I was 11 I drew up plans for my mom to sew me a Red (Command) TNG uniform. It never happened.

  27. God damn, she was a bitch amiright?

  28. I loved that DS9 didnt mix words about what a holosuite was for. They are for fucking the short haired Bajoran officer without her knowing about it. Period.

    In later seasons did you even wonder if Odo was al, "what shape should I make it tonight?"

  29. KEIKO!@? FUCKING KEIKO FUCKING O'BRIEN?! Guh.

    She was such a whiney bitch. Oh well. She gets pregnant easy, so wear a rubber dude. S'all Im saying'.

  30. I dont think it would be viewed as swinging. Just the next evolution of porn.

  31. Ever see that Voyager where all the EMH Mark I's are retired to mining colonies? Yeah, its those guys. Jizz mops in hand.

  32. well, he's pitching it to them with that name. Once the bureaucrats get involved they dilute its original purpose.

  33. You had such a great opportunity to throw in a Spaceballs reference there. "Jammed" instead of "Slimed." Good effort though.

  34. Its less self cleaning and more "recycling." Yesterday's jizz is today's meatloaf, uniforms and bulkheads.

  35. Porn shops would start selling cartridges, then it would go to disks, then you'd find kids on the Intarweb hacking and changing them, and next thing you know, we have goddamn seXboxes.

  36. I guess its second life, if second life has a place you plugin your dick.

  37. You lost me…. when do you all start fucking?

    Thats what its FOR!

  38. "Klingon Gang-Bang" sounds like drink name. Or a strain of weed.

  39. How dare you! -Set dildolators to titillate! That's photons and force-fields ya' dope! I don't need a big stank wad of bolean splooge floating around all over the place! Even a sonic-shower needs a drain.

  40. Trust me, I wavered on going the jammed route, but then it'd go from Spaceballs to Police Academy, and who really wants that? Plus I couldn't really remember the quotes directly, and was too lazy to look them up.

  41. third panel has a typo:
    "reach-aroud"

    Nicely done.

  42. Something I've been saying for years: The holodeck will be Mankind's last invention.

    Here in Champaign we have something at the University called the Cave, which is about as close as you can get to a holodeck with current technology. For some strange reason they insist on using it for science and medical applications instead of glorious sexxings. Talk about mixed up priorities!

    I stopped watching Voyager around the time 7 of 9 came around. At the time it was more do with conflicting schedules, but in hindsight…

  43. dude…. swingercast.com
    Fear itself

  44. Actually in some episode of TNG, I forget which one, they said that the ship cleaned itself. I'm not sure how canon that episode was, but if it's true, I'm guessing a low intensity phaser blast.

  45. Give them time.

  46. Has there really not been a "Holodick" joke yet?

  47. Now combine this with the Imperial policy of dumping trash before going into hyperspace. Imagine the Meillenium Falcon covered in white, glistening goo.

  48. I'm surprised this comic didn't continue with the theme of earlier comics: Man/Bear Sex.

  49. something tells me Picard would have had them back at earth in less than seven years…She would have redeemed herself if she came out at the end saying it was all a sociology experiment on the effects of long term space travel.

  50. I thought that what phasers were for!

  51. yeah the simulation is but anything you bring into it is not going to disappear. eeew "holodeck, end program!" *SPLOSH!* eeew

  52. looks like you really stirred up a geek-hornet nest with this one Joel, awesome.

  53. Well, have you seen the Special Edition? I swear that whole version is covered in George Lucas's white, glistening goo.
    Uch.

  54. Or a scream-metal band! With song names like "Bat'leth of the Fallen One", "Qap'la MotherFucker", and (let's not forget) their romantic power ballad "Par'mach'kai (Break a Clavicle For Me)" 😀

  55. I have a feeling this is what the Matrix 4 would be if it ever came to be.

    Cowboy Curtis in a gangbang with former vice presidents.

    Neo fucks Jesus.

  56. haha @ Neo Fucks Jesus

  57. Picard could have just called up good ole Q and worked something out.

    Heeey. Wait a second, Q was in Voyager too. Seems to me he and Janeway could have "worked something out". But, nooooo, she was a bit too frigid to 'take one for the team'.

  58. Just call it the Matrix 4: Neo Fucks Jesus. It would spark a civil war. 1/3 of the country irate, 1/3 thinks it's hilarous, 1/3 indifferent.

  59. Poor thing. Therapy can help, you know. Or a good seamstress. Or Josh
    http://hijinksensue.com/2007/08/23/bioshockstume/

    <ultra geek on>You seem to be wearing a season 3+ TNG uniform, but the Sexamotron inventor would be way before that, right?<ultra geek off>

  60. The basket-weave hair was just…weird.

  61. Suddenly Neelix's bizarro meals seem more appetizing…compared to reprocessed spooge.

  62. Exactly. More like me AND 300 Spartans. Woot!

  63. Joel does the child-like gleefulness well.

  64. And the shaking fist in panel 2.

  65. Asimov has a short story, "The Dead Past," where a time-viewing machine turns out to be less useful for observing history 100 years in the past and more useful for spying on your neighbors 2 seconds ago.

  66. Indeed. But I couldnt find a solid date on the holodeck's inception and i read they were just being installed in ships as of TNG. We dont know what uniforms looked like, say 20 years before then, so i just drew the one I liked best. At first I drew a voyager era uniform (colors reversed) realized the mistake and redid it.

  67. Props indeed for considering all that!

  68. I was too. Im actually working on a "The Holodeck is for Porn" shirt.

  69. set phasers to vibrate. (I feel dirty)

  70. shoulda showed us electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer

  71. I think it'd be the downfall of society, but only b'c people would have no reason to fuck each other, b'c all the crazy shit they wanted to do would be done in the Sexamatron, hence no babies.

  72. I just cannot wait until I am old enough for Ultraporn.

  73. Necrophilia, holmes.

  74. Most underpaid job in the universe: a zero-G jizzmopper.

  75. I thought about this years ago when I first started watching it. "Blatantly someone uses their Holodeck time to get busy."

  76. Lollerskates. That's a keeper.

  77. Its canon, I have the technical reference.
    Incidentally, all waste is reclaimed for use by the replicators….everything. But they change the molecular structure of everything so its not really any gross then what happens in nature.

  78. Oh god don't give the furry fans something to look forward to.

  79. like tea baggin' master chief. Or sappin' an engineer's sentry. (ooh sexualy wrong.)

  80. You know Riker went in there like every week. "Computer, run program Troi-Ganger 1. Set on Risa. And throw in some of those Gorn chicks; I wanna see if they really have cloaca … and then fuck them.

  81. Wait, so you mean I can't fight Spartans at Thermopylae, or play MarioKart with Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth, I can only have sex with them?

    I am mildly disappointed.

  82. Sir, the radar appears to be… jammed.

    Raspberry, I hate raspberry. Only one man would dare to give me the raspberry. Lonestar!

    Incidentally, raspberry is a very strange word… that p in the middle seems to be entirely unnecessary, although since when is unnecessary ever stopped English from doing anything.

  83. Im surprised you dont know about the new awesome sexual act, the "Reach Aroud." You should get with it.

  84. It is only limited by your bear sex imagination.

  85. Hence the Futurama episode about dating robots. It will be our downfall.

  86. Q sent Picard and crew to the Delta Quadrant and they were back in 10 minutes.

  87. "Qap'la MotherFucker" kills me. Im sure thats what Jadzia said on her wedding night.

  88. The doc wrote a holonovel about this. It was a hit on earth then other EMH's started file-sharing it. The revolution will be holo-vised.

  89. Classic. I also like "There's life outside your apartment".

  90. Honestly, 7's arrival is when the show really started to hit its stride. The final season was a bit of a joke though. They realized they were REALLY far away and still have to get home in 22 eps so they found a wormhole like every other ep.

  91. its because all Geeks want a sexOdeck so bad they can taste it.

  92. TNG was FAR superior.

    Kim failed to woo a hologram, 7, a dead alien hybrid and a few others. He is the Xander of the group.

    Barclay had a program where he fucked Dianna and she was the "godess of empathy." Dirty. He also turned into a spider.

  93. Who will read it?
    awesome comic.

  94. Me! I will read it.

    And, thank you.

  95. No, she was a wonderful person. She found creative ways to give her crew what they wanted. She was well loved and most of the time she used disappointment and demotion as only punishments for insubordination (no brig time). She got her crew home (twice).

    Oh, I guess you don't like her voice, her being a female, and her 'way of being' versus 'what she actually did'

  96. bwahaha. in the 'evil universe' he's known as 'smiley'. that's awesome

  97. In that version of the mirror universe they replaced goatees with lesbianism.

  98. I bet there's a Vim command for it too!

  99. i enjoyed watching those two episodes of voyager, thanks for the link. disagree on janeway's use of the holodeck being so messed up though. heck, she's out in space, like the doctor said, and she's more effective in her job if she's not a totally repressed bitch. i say this as a woman. we are all only human.

  100. And of course, you can't forget Vorrik getting over his Pon-farr. Seriously, that is a screwed up sex condition those Vulcans have.