Making An X-Ception

I realized recently that I never said anything about Marmaduke. So why not take a commentary about X-Men: First class needing some rewrites due to previously unknown similarities to Inception and just shoehorn that giant fucking dog right in there? It makes perfect (anti)sense. Ahh, but the reference doesn’t fit because the dog is just too darn big. And in that remarkable bigness lies the humour. You can’t see the humor, though.

Because the dog’s so big.

He blocks the joke.

With his bigness.

COMMENTERS: What other scenes is Matthew Vaughn going to have to remove from his X-men reboot for being too similar to another film?

I’ve been making more posts in The Vault recently [behind the scenes on two secret logo projects for big name comedians, a secret t-shirt that may never see the light of day, and the rough sketch of this particular comic (featuring deleted dialog)]. If you want access to all the Vaulty goodness, please consider making a donation. If you REALLY enjoy HE and want to see it continue, how about a monthly donation subscription of $5, $10 or $20? Your donations actually represent about 1/3 of my income from the comic and I rely on them like they were… well, 1/3 of my income. Please know that I appreciate your kindness and generosity immensely.

HijiNKS ENSUE Vol 1 Godspeed You Fancy Bastard @ Topatoco

This is excellent news since you can now purchase one of my more popular shirt designs and a book at the same time and save on shipping/hassle.

I’ll be removing personalized artist editions from the store later today (maybe tomorrow) so if you want one ORDER NOW.

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  1. There’s the scene where Wolverine goes to order a breakfast sandwich at the local burger joint, but cannot because it’s after 10 am. They stop serving the breakfast menu at 10 am. Yes, it’s only 10:18 am, but the rules are the rules.

    And then Wolverine goes off on a tirade about how this is AMERICA, dammit, and the customer is always right! And then he stabs everyone. While wearing a dress shirt and tie.

  2. Fun fact: Professor X was kind of pedophilish in the original Stan/Jack comics. It only really came out in one thought balloon, but still, it was there. Maybe there's some cut scene where Professor X is walking around Jean's brainscape trying to psyex her up.

    • Mark Waid didn't forget about it–when Professor X turned into Onslaught, there was a big scene where Jean found out that part of the reason was the repressed sexual yearnings he'd had for one of his students for all these years boiling over. It wasn't as big as the whole "I ate Magneto's brain and it made me EEEEVIL!" thing, but it was there.

  3. The X-Men start a traveling circus where Professor X can show people their fantasies by entering their mind. They find Wolverine, left for dead, while traveling, and don't know whether or not to trust him. Wolverine will be played by 4 actors.

  4. Don't forget the romance subplot where Kate Beckinsale falls in love with a Lycan and then Bill Nighy comes back from the vampire dead and delivers grave warnings RE: the coming disaster: "Robert Poste's child… my man once did your father a great wrong, and I'll do my best to atone…"

    Wait a minute.

    • ahem… "Fucking magnets, how do they work" or whatever that song is, sung by Sir Ian McKellen's Magneto… Broadway style… BOOSH!

  5. 1) The X-kids get grounded for being too rebellious and undisciplined. But when danger rears its head, they defy Old Man Xavier and sneak out of the mansion to save the day. Along the way, they learn the value of teamwork and two character fall in love.

    2) Jean dies.

    • Don't forget they makeover the ugly girl mutant into a beautiful mutant just in time for the prom…

      And everyone who doesn't like each other gets stuck in detention together, where they bond and learn to love…

      Then Wolverine holds a giant boom box (bigger than his muttonchops), impaled on his claws, outside Jean's window, where it plays <INSERT CURRENT POP CROSSOVER HIT THAT WILL FUND 27% OF THE MOVIE HERE>, until she comes to the window…and tosses the boombox into orbit…

      Afterwards, Wolverine uses Sharpies to draw p*nises on Scott's face during lunch, which makes Jean fall in love with him after he sings to her during cheerleader practice over the loudspeakers in the stadium…

      Yes, I have no life. Don't judge me!

  6. OK, not sure Eli's your man for script rewrites. And as a side note: what the f*#& was up with Prof. X being revealed to be secretly an @$$hole for years? He's supposed to be the stand up guy you look up to. Wasn't somebody in Marvel editing supposed to catch that?!

    • Lou, Chuck (as we True Believers(TM) call him) has always been kind of a dick. He's on the good guy team, but in a creepy paternalistic "psychic daddie knows best" way.

    • Secretly? Xavier's been a dick to some degree or other from day one. Granted, in the last few years they've retconned him into a super-manipulative douche as well, but even back in the day, the only times the other Marvel heroes were actually happy to see the X-Men were when Prof. X was missing or in space or whatever and Cyclops was in charge.

  7. Can Cyclops be a pirate, so he still have only one eye, because the other one is covered by that classic pirate's patch? And, if by ane chance he loses the patch, can he have that bionic Terminator eye? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

    • You mean like in Age of Apocalypse? Where Wolverine tore out his eye years earlier and that's how he got the nickname Cyclops? Which sadly does not explain that *awful* haircut?

      • It was the 90s. It was a simpler time, when we could all get away with terrible haircuts.
        Now we look back on it the way future generations will look at Robert Pattinson's lawnmower-styled haircut.

  8. I think Vaughn will probably have to delete the section where Professor X gets so depressed with the way Human/Mutant relations are progressing that he wishes he'd never been born, only to be shown by Warren Worthington how the world would look without him. At which point he comes home and has a heartwarming reunion with his X-Men. Then a bell rings, Warren sprouts wings and is immediately ostracized by the world.

  9. Am I insane? Did this comic have a different ending two days ago? …..Either way it's funny. 🙂 But really…am I insane?

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