Lupine Fiasco

Fighting Time Lords hoodies are at Sharksplode right now! Wibbly Wobbly Hoodie Warmy! 

Hell yes, I want to see Liam Neeson punch-fuck a bunch of stupid wolves to death! Is there anything that can’t be improved by having Liam Neeson murder it? The Grey answers that question with a resounding, howling-KrrACK-then-gurgling NO! I would watch a cooking show where he murders the animals (NOTE: he does not “hunt” the animals, because that would imply that he needs a license, which implies he needs permission), then just throws their carcasses on a fire for warmth, eventually gnawing off bits of charred meat in order to keep his strength up for the one-man war he’s about to wage on those human trafficers. It could be called “Liam Murders Dinner.”

With all the fairy tale shows and movies getting made (Once Upon A Time, Grimm, Hansel And Gretel: Return To Witch Mountain, Snow White: Live Action Shrek With Julia Roberts and Dead Behind The Eyes Snow White with Kristen Stewart ), why can’t we get a Little Red Riding Hood movie starring Liam Neeson? “I want you to listen to me very closely. The Big Bad Wolf is going to take you. Then he’s going to eat you. I want you to describe every thing you see on the way down.”

COMMENTERS: The first rule of Wolf-punch Club is punch the shit out of some wolves. What other key scenes might be in Wolf Puncher? What sequels or spin-offs might it have? What else is there left for Liam Neeson to punch to death that hasn’t yet been made into a movie?

Some of you have been asking for prints of yesterdays Doctor Who/ MST3K mashup comic. I am working on getting comics prints added back to the store, but in the meantime please email store (at) hijinksensue (dot) com if you’d like that particular print.

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  1. "What other key scenes might be in Wolf Puncher?"

    There would be other scenes?

    Is sort of weird, because I think if there was ANY other actor in the Neeson role, I would have been laughing and rolling my eyes at the trailer for The Grey, rather than leaning over to my boyfriend and whispering "We are totally seeing that!!"

  2. Won't a movie like this spur copycat acts of Man-on-Wolf violence ultimately culminating in scores of hillbillies being eaten by wolves? Hmmm…this might be the best movie ever.

  3. But the wolves are just misunderstood! They only kidnapped the girl so they could raise her as a modern day Romulus. Then she can found a new Roman Empire where wolves and men live in peace and harmony.

  4. I can't wait for the sequel Caged Wolf, when he has to battle his nemesis Nic Cage who basically just plays Nic Cage (in the bear suit from Wicker Man). The first 45 minutes of the film is them seeing each other across a crowd and punching, kicking, shooting, throwing blenders, and generally meleeing the hell put of everyone between them. The last hour is just blank reel because production was stopped hen Liam Neeson and Nic Cage literally killed all the extras in their acting-induced murder rage.

  5. I just picture it like that XKCD comic. "River Tam beats up everyone", but with Liam Neeson punching/kicking all the wolves. Ever. And maybe a few PETA people who come to complain.

    • They need to re-do Firefly, and make a spinoff series where River Tam and Liam Neeson are battling wolves and reavers in random bars across the world. And Queen music plays in the background.

  6. Of course, there's a scene where a lean wolf shows that he is also smart and capable, and he and Liam face each other in the cold. Liam extends his arm for sniffing, but not open handed, clenched, because a fellow warrior would respect that.

    Instead of licking however, the wolf starts to snarl and then – ONE INCH WOLF PUNCH!

  7. My favorite scene in Wolff Puncher is when Liam waits in line for two hours at a In The Garden Of The North American Martyrs signing just to deliver the killshot with a Zebra 301…

  8. When I wrote about the two Snow White movies a while ago, I pointed out that the Dead Eyes Snow White trailer was smart enough to not show clips of Kristen trying to speak dialogue, but still couldn't find clips of her actually closing her mouth and also looking with intent. Just that same unfocused stare.

  9. Inevitably there will be a slew of "Wolf Puncher" knock-offs from all eras and countries showing up on the shelves at video stores in a brazen attempt to cash in on the Neeson vs Nature beaut-ality that won our hearts (and stopped, crushed and ate the hearts of the Wolves involved).

    The Chinese feature film with otherwise unknown actors in "The Fanged Fist" inspired by a traditional folk fable.

    The direct Hollywood B-movie knock-off "Wolverine Kicker" released direct to DVD in the week following "Wolf Puncher" opening at the Box Office.

    The Canadian documentary "The Wolf Punchers: The true story of North American animal Pugilists" promising to be almost as cool because it's real, before failing to deliver due to the depressing nature of real-life wolf punch attempts and the distinct lack of Liam Neeson.

    And hopefully after those three the world can let "Wolf Puncher" continue to be "Wolf Puncher" in its own right, and nobody will approach Viggo Mortenson to star in "A History of Bestiality"…

  10. Man, I almost expected this to turn into a Chuck Norris joke. Seriously .. the whole he does not hunt is a bit of a take off on the WOW commercial. Still, the idea of a movie combining Norris, Neeson, and Crow (or is that Crowe, I never get that right) sounds very interesting. Heck if they can make the movie The Expendables, and then plan for a sequel … would a NNC movie be so far fetched?

  11. Man, I was so just thinking that Mirror mirror looks like a shittier live action version of the worst shrek movie.

    "Liam Neeson plays king White when his daughter is kidnapped by a group of sadistic dwarves…"

  12. Spoiler alert: Liam Neeson dies at the end, but is promptly brought back to life by a secret underground science consortium operating out of an old aircraft carrier under the Jefferson Memorial. He's given metal bones, teeth and claws, and sets out to recover his daughter who has been kidnapped by the son he thought he left in a bomb shelter, but has instead suffered third degree burns over his entire body, which he has fixed with a compound that gives him artificial human skin but only for ninety minutes at a clip. Buy your tickets now for Wolf Puncher 2: Metalwolf Underground.

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