Taken It 2 The Streets

Thanks to Rob for the joke in panel 4 which inspired this entire comic.

Before I start the next storyline, I thought I would take[n] this opportunity to reinforce a few things about Eli’s personality. First off, he thinks all action movies follow the Rambo naming convention, i.e. the title of the film is the lead character’s name. This goes for Taken, Die Hard, Cliff Hanger (actually THAT one was a real missed opportunity, Hollywood) and Point Break. Secondly, he is a creature of confident confusion. He rarely knows what he’s talking about, but he know’s it’s right. Thirdly, he is probably still drunk. We’ll get into that more later.

I watched the trailer for Taken 2 and it is clear that Taken is Taken it up a notch. This time his daughter, his wife and presumably his entire extended family have been Taken by the (I’m assuming) widowers of the dozens if not hundreds of Ukrainian Albanian human trafficers he murdered in the first movie. I’m actually relieved that they took[en] this direction for the sequel. The only things going through my head at the end of Taken were A) NOT enough blood, because most of it was in my boner and B) the idea that one dude might have the particular set of skills required to take[n] the lives of 150 some odd goons, and he just might get away with it if no one identifies him, BUT how in the ridiculous fuck is he going to murder a wealthy European slave dealer in his own home AND am Iranian Sheik on his own boat and NOT face immediate retribution? The apparent answer is: no. Or he can’t. He doesn’t. Whatever. My money is on him rage-flipping all of Eastern Europe like a lumpy mattress.

SIDE NOTE: if you HAVE seen the trailer for Taken 2: Taken That Shit To The Next Level, is it just me or does the main bad guy look like The Most Interesting Man In The World from the beer commercials? “I don’t always traffic in humans, but when I do… I make it white American women. Stay scummy, my friends.”

COMMENTERS: Please insert John Taken into more films and give him his memorable quote. For example:

V: Taken Out The Lizard People – “What I do have are a very particular set of scales.” That was also works if you put Taken in Blow.

Lupine Fiasco

Fighting Time Lords hoodies are at Sharksplode right now! Wibbly Wobbly Hoodie Warmy! 

Hell yes, I want to see Liam Neeson punch-fuck a bunch of stupid wolves to death! Is there anything that can’t be improved by having Liam Neeson murder it? The Grey answers that question with a resounding, howling-KrrACK-then-gurgling NO! I would watch a cooking show where he murders the animals (NOTE: he does not “hunt” the animals, because that would imply that he needs a license, which implies he needs permission), then just throws their carcasses on a fire for warmth, eventually gnawing off bits of charred meat in order to keep his strength up for the one-man war he’s about to wage on those human trafficers. It could be called “Liam Murders Dinner.”

With all the fairy tale shows and movies getting made (Once Upon A Time, Grimm, Hansel And Gretel: Return To Witch Mountain, Snow White: Live Action Shrek With Julia Roberts and Dead Behind The Eyes Snow White with Kristen Stewart ), why can’t we get a Little Red Riding Hood movie starring Liam Neeson? “I want you to listen to me very closely. The Big Bad Wolf is going to take you. Then he’s going to eat you. I want you to describe every thing you see on the way down.”

COMMENTERS: The first rule of Wolf-punch Club is punch the shit out of some wolves. What other key scenes might be in Wolf Puncher? What sequels or spin-offs might it have? What else is there left for Liam Neeson to punch to death that hasn’t yet been made into a movie?

Some of you have been asking for prints of yesterdays Doctor Who/ MST3K mashup comic. I am working on getting comics prints added back to the store, but in the meantime please email store (at) hijinksensue (dot) com if you’d like that particular print.

A Very Particular Set of Skills

I fell in love (actually lust) with “Taken” starring Liam Neeson after the first time I saw the trailer. The calm in Neeson’s voice just sells the character/plot so hard. SO HARD! I didn’t expect an Oscar caliber movie. I expected Liam Neeson to be a fucking bad ass and kill every mother fucker that took his daughter until there were no mother fuckers left to kill.

According to Josh and Eli, that is EXACTLY what you get… in the Rated-R European version of the film. WTF Hollywood? Since when are we cutting out the violence for U.S. movies? I wouldn’t take a kid to see this film even if you replaced all the blood with rainbow unicorn vomit, so what gives? It’s obviously intended for adults.

So once again, H-Wood has forced my hand. I will wait for the Unrated DVD (which I will get from Netflix). So instead of $20 worth of tickets and $20 worth of concessions they’ll get whatever percentage of $8.99/ month Netflix gives them.

I won’t say how Josh and Eli saw the international version, but it rhymes with Bit Torrent.

I don’t know how you guys feel, but for me sometimes a movie like “Taken” is all you need. It has just enough story to keep the action going and a cool-headed badassmith like Liam Neeson to carry it and keep you focused.

What are your favorite “I’m A Badass and I Must Kill Everyone Until I Am The Last One Standing!!!” (IABIMKEUIATLOS!!! for short) movies?

What other movies have had awesome Eurpean cuts and beefed it on the US release?