Hyper Realistic Murder Simulators

Wii Fanboy posted a story about a group of parents in New Jersey and their reactions to the news of Nintendo (also referred to by parents as “Intendo”, “Nintenda”, and “That Goddamned Vidya Game”) releasing a military grade weapons training system for the Wii called the Wii Zapper. There are a few facts I should get out of the way:

  1. The Nintendo Wii is ONLY intended for children ages fetus – 4 yrs.
  2. Nintendo uses hypnosis to force parents to buy gun peripherals for their impressionable children against their better judgment.
  3. The Wii Zapper will only be used for games whose sole purpose is shooting defenseless people in the face for no reason other than to watch them die. You can use a 2nd Wiimote to piss on their bodies after robbing them.
  4. The Japanse NEVER got over WWII. Turning our children into killing machines is their ultimate revenge.

Other sites have already gone into sufficient detail debunking this horse crap of a non-story so I won’t bother rehashing their points about parental responsibility, etc, etc. I can only add my own experience to the mix. Like most of you, my first NES game was the bundled double-dong of Super Mario Bros./ Duckhunt. I shot the fuck out of some ducks. Like e’ry day. I was all about it. I graduated to the gigantic motherfucking Dirty Harryesque “Konami Justifier” for Lethal Enforcers on the Genesis. Then it was the Guncon for PSX Time Crisis (the “crisis” in question was that the game cost $65 and the “time” part was the 30 minutes it took to beat it). By the time the XBox came around I was using my analog sticks FPS style, though I did rent House of the Dead and the snot-green gun it employed on occasion. This isn’t even considering the countless flavors of Nazi, robot, futuristic armor-type-guy, and aliens I wasted with a mouse and keyboard.

I played a whole f-ing lot of shooters as a child, preteen, teen, and so forth. Guess what? I don’t even like guns. I haven’t even ever fired a real one. I’ve only been in 3 fist fights and all before 8th grade. Other than outing myself as the world’s biggest pussy just now, I have also proven that video game violence doesn’t equate to real life violence when you are dealing with a relatively well adjusted individual.

If anything the murder-sims have taught me invaluable life lessons. When the zombies rise, or the machines revolt, the remnants of Third Reich harness evil sorcery and imbue it into a reanimated Hitler clone, or any other variety of shits hit the fan I WILL BE READY. New Jersey’s parents will be pissing themselves getting eaten, assimilated, or transmogrified into rodents by Super Hitler while their kids and I are forming a rag tag resistance force and kicking undead cyborg Nazi ass. Unfortunately we will also be shit-talking over networked headsets. It’s shameful but good for team morale.

Bonus Dowload: Hi-res of the final panel with “Magical Unicorn Rainbow Defecator Happy Experience Challenge.”

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  1. You know, I still can’t figure out how that “America’s Army” game has managed to slip under Jack Thompson and Co’s radar. If any game is teaching kids to be killers, it’s that one. Not to mention that they give it away for FREE to anyone who has an internet connection.

  2. @Mark IV
    Its not detrimental to our fragile psyches if the games are training us to kill for our country. Then its as wholesome as apple pie.

    “Not to mention that they give it away for FREE…”

    Freedom isn’t free.

  3. Mark IV: Yeah, except in “America’s Army” you’re killing for the good old US of A, which Jack Thompson apparently has no problem with whatsoever…

  4. @Asian

    Is there some reason you assumed the game pictured in the comic didn’t contain lots of porn? I thought I made that clear.

  5. Does anyone remember that awful, awful movie Toys? The one with Robin Williams? Where the the demented general used the children’s video games as controllers for remote fighter aircraft, and the children as pilots? And Cuba Gooding Junior was really good at hiding?

    Additionally, I heard that the military uses FPS to train its soldiers for infantry combat.

    Thank you for keeping my memory of the Super Scope alive, Joel.

  6. @Mathew

    Oh wow. Id blocked that one. I was probably 11 when it came out and it was too crappy to watch even then.

    Now go rent Small Soldiers.

  7. @Joel
    LMAO! That time, specifically, the combination of “Wish” and “Surprise” was magical. Something about that combo, with the thought of rainbow-shitting unicorns, makes me giddy.

  8. @Mark IV:

    “America’s Army” doesn't really teach much more about killing people than any other game does. Pointing and clicking at targets on the screen with the mouse and keyboard doesn't really teach you anything about using a real weapon.

    Even insofar as the military has actually used video games in the past to train it's soldiers, it's usually to teach team tactics and communication, not practical shooting skills.

  9. Super Hitler? That’s old news, he didn’t make it through Newark. Some of the folks there don’t like white people too much.
    Ironically enough the biggest problem Jersey is facing is an epidemic of rainbow defecating magical unicorns: who’s purity has tragically purified some of the state’s most precious toxic waste dumps.

    The real sad thing is that all these politicians and other attention needy d-bags won’t even TRY and fight the real reason for child & teen violence: child abuse.
    I wonder why that is?

    Considering the hell-holeish nature of Jersey, I doubt the Wii-zapper is their greatest problem right now. The place really is a dump.

  10. @gonzo

    #1 The Wii Zapper is a gateway zapper. Soon they’ll be experimenting with Laser-Tag
    #2 Child abuse only effects ugly children so its a no lose situation
    #3 The governor has deployed a Unicorn Task Force to eradicate the threat
    #4 Its more of a Hell-Mouth, than a Hell-Hole. Big difference
    #5 Super Hitler is only there to distract you from ROBO-Stalin!

    LOL @ “d-bags”

  11. @JLR

    I think the point Mark was trying to make is exactly what youre saying. Games in general dont teach kids how to kill anymore than baseball or legos. Legal fear/hate mongers like Jack Thompson would never go up against the America’s Army game, though, despite the fact that it is no different than other first person shooter.

    Maybe thats the point YOU were trying to make. Either way, we all agree and we are all dangerous enemy combatants.

  12. I’m from New Jersey, and I’ll agree wholeheartedly that it’s a shithole. Then again, that’s why I go to school in Philly (an upgraded shithole).
    It’s no secret that the majority of Jersey parents have their heads up their asses, and that Jersey lawmakers almost border on Communist. Not a fun combination.
    Next time some kid goes on a killing spree in Jersey, just remember: it wasn’t the videogames. It was living in Jersey that made him snap.

    I dunno about you, but I learned how to kill a 14-year-old with a well-placed Lego (or baseball) to the throat when I was like six.

  13. @Zorn
    When I read “Im from Jersey…” I was expecting a defensive rant.
    Phew! Glad the NJ residents (at least some of them) are of a reasonable mindset.
    Considering the mass difference in a lego and baseball, you must be an excellent brick marksmen…bricksmen.

  14. This is, sadly, only one of many situations where parents use the "evil media" as an excuse to not be a parent. My mother never censored a ****ing thing I watched, listened to, or played, and I'm a pacifist. My mother was involved in my life and explained to me why it's not okay to shoot people like the bad guys did in the movie (unless of course they are trying to kill you and you have to kill them first), therefore I grew up just fine.

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