Hyper Realistic Murder Simulators


Wii Fanboy posted a story about a group of parents in New Jersey and their reactions to the news of Nintendo (also referred to by parents as “Intendo”, “Nintenda”, and “That Goddamned Vidya Game”) releasing a military grade weapons training system for the Wii called the Wii Zapper. There are a few facts I should get out of the way:

  1. The Nintendo Wii is ONLY intended for children ages fetus – 4 yrs.
  2. Nintendo uses hypnosis to force parents to buy gun peripherals for their impressionable children against their better judgment.
  3. The Wii Zapper will only be used for games whose sole purpose is shooting defenseless people in the face for no reason other than to watch them die. You can use a 2nd Wiimote to piss on their bodies after robbing them.
  4. The Japanse NEVER got over WWII. Turning our children into killing machines is their ultimate revenge.

Other sites have already gone into sufficient detail debunking this horse crap of a non-story so I won’t bother rehashing their points about parental responsibility, etc, etc. I can only add my own experience to the mix. Like most of you, my first NES game was the bundled double-dong of Super Mario Bros./ Duckhunt. I shot the fuck out of some ducks. Like e’ry day. I was all about it. I graduated to the gigantic motherfucking Dirty Harryesque “Konami Justifier” for Lethal Enforcers on the Genesis. Then it was the Guncon for PSX Time Crisis (the “crisis” in question was that the game cost $65 and the “time” part was the 30 minutes it took to beat it). By the time the XBox came around I was using my analog sticks FPS style, though I did rent House of the Dead and the snot-green gun it employed on occasion. This isn’t even considering the countless flavors of Nazi, robot, futuristic armor-type-guy, and aliens I wasted with a mouse and keyboard.

I played a whole f-ing lot of shooters as a child, preteen, teen, and so forth. Guess what? I don’t even like guns. I haven’t even ever fired a real one. I’ve only been in 3 fist fights and all before 8th grade. Other than outing myself as the world’s biggest pussy just now, I have also proven that video game violence doesn’t equate to real life violence when you are dealing with a relatively well adjusted individual.

If anything the murder-sims have taught me invaluable life lessons. When the zombies rise, or the machines revolt, the remnants of Third Reich harness evil sorcery and imbue it into a reanimated Hitler clone, or any other variety of shits hit the fan I WILL BE READY. New Jersey’s parents will be pissing themselves getting eaten, assimilated, or transmogrified into rodents by Super Hitler while their kids and I are forming a rag tag resistance force and kicking undead cyborg Nazi ass. Unfortunately we will also be shit-talking over networked headsets. It’s shameful but good for team morale.

Bonus Dowload: Hi-res of the final panel with “Magical Unicorn Rainbow Defecator Happy Experience Challenge.”