H-E-Ween Flashback ’87

I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween as a kid, since it was created and maintained by Satan and his legions of costumed followers. I got to wear a costume so I wouldn’t be the only kid at school without one, but it was generally something innocuous like a cowboy or a monkey. I may have been a cowboy on the outside, but inside beat the heart of a werewolf, or a ninja or Optimus Prime. I did go as ALF one year, but the costume was incredibly hot and I couldn’t see out of the mask. Eventually I just looked like a kid that had decapitated a sasquatch and was wearing most of it’s flesh as a trophy.

As the comic depicts, I spent a good chunk of my childhood aspiring to BE a Ninja Turtle. Not to dress as one or act like one, but to ACTUALLY grow up choose a career path as a professional Ninja Turtle. I assumed I could position myself in the direct path of oncoming chemical waste trucks over and over until one happened to flip and dous me with ooze in close proximity to an amphibian reptile.

I didn’t get to trick or treat until I was 14. I did it just the once (dressed as The Crow) and realized how lame it was to trick or treat as a teenager. When teens come to my door now asking for candy I say, “Get a job, asshole! Buy your own candy. Plus, it’s June! Why the fuck are you doing door to door asking for candy anyway?!”

I always thought those trash bag costumes (usually available at grocery stores) were just total give ups. What kid slips on a painted dry cleaning bag, and a flimsy plastic mask and feels suddenly transformed into Skeletor or Inspector Gadget? Though, a few years ago my wife and I were passing out candy to neighborhood children when one kid approached us wearing JUST a trash bag. Like a black, 50 gallon garbage sack. I didn’t ask what he was supposed to be. He couldn’t have been more than 8 years old. I just gave him a great big handful of assorted candy and thought “Happy Halloween, you miserable sonofabitch.” Wondering what he was supposed to be haunts me even to this day. A kite? A rain cloud? A trash bag?

So I pose these questions to you:

  • What was trash bag kid supposed to be?
  • What was your best/worst childhood costume?
  • What was your best/worst adult costume?
Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .


  1. I’m seventeen and I still trickortreat…. I put effort into my costumes though. People who don’t, don’t deserve candy.

  2. I don't really remember enough of my childhood costumes to acurately say which one was the best and which the worst (I'm 20 as of writing this, isn't my memory just sad?), but I know which one was the best recent costume:

    Jason Hoorves. Now, I'm really tall (6'8") and have in my possession the most awesome set of construction boots, electrician's overalls, and a freaking leather overcoat (seriously); coupled with an exact replica hockey mask and a real 4ft machete the whole costume was so good that I caused more than one child to pee themselves.

Leave a Reply