Brand New Bag

I pitched two ideas for my guest comic over at Cyanide & Happiness. This is the one they rejected.

If you’re under 30, you probably have no idea that for SEVERAL DECADES before you were born it was considered perfectly acceptable to wear a plastic mask of your favorite cartoon character, along with a trash bag (ACTUALLY A LITERAL TRASH BAG) featuring a full body picture of the same character as your Halloween costume. Not only was this considered acceptable Halloween attire for children, but it was an accepted business practice for companies to offer these “costumes” as their “best effort” in exchange for “actual money.”

Do you want A TON of bonus, extra and alternate comics?!  Then my Patreon is THE PLACE for you. Every little bit helps me continue to make a living, and is QUITE appreciated.


Now I walk through the costume aisles of Wal-Mart and Target and kid’s costumes have achieved near Hollywood levels of production value. There are muscle suits, led lights, articulated armor, sound FX… it’s only a matter of time before children go door to door wearing green body suits, and handing out augmented reality goggles that make the candy-giver see them as a 70 foot tall full CG dragon. Dad will stand to the side with a flame thrower and torch the neighbors bushes for increased special FX.

I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. We had the fundamentalist Christian alternative: HARVEST FESTIVAL. It’s EXACTLY like Halloween except you don’t get to Trick Or Treat and all the costumes are either animals, cowboys or Bible characters. I had a basic costume rotation each year of monkey, cowboy and… let’s say Noah. In retrospect I was just dressed like a modern day Muslim, but I had a burlap sack over my tunic. The 80’s were weird. One year I got a real screen quality ALF costume. It was my favorite thing ever and simultaneously the worst costume I ever had. The shag carpet full body suit made it 800 degrees and itched all to hell and the fur and latex mask was like a tight, rubbery panic prison for my face.

My wife and I enjoy helping our kid have a unique Halloween experience. She’s been Princess LeiaBoo from Monster’s Inc., a Backyardigan, Jessie from Toy Story, A Ghost, a WitchRaven from Teen Titans (complete with a narrative adventure) and Hermione Granger. This year she’s going to be Amethyst from Steven Universe. I’ll post pics of that one after it’s all assembled.

UPDATE: Here’s a Tumblr post with all the Kiddo costumes so far.


Holy fuck, what a week.
Monday: Driving across Texas
Tuesday: Broken Computer
Wednesday: Broken Website
Thursday: Broken Car
Friday: Broken Spirits

Any who, I’m back in the comics saddle (the most supple of saddles) for a week, then I’m taking my wife and child on our first (and likely last) real family vacation for a different and subsequent week. Please do not wreck the place while I am gone. The liquor cabinet is locked, but the key is on top of the refrigerator. Help yourself, but leave some for Santa (if you know what I mean… I mean I am Santa and don’t drink all my fightin’ water and funny juice).

Do you want A TON of bonus, extra and alternate comics?!  Then my Patreon is THE PLACE for you. Every little bit helps me continue to make a living, and is QUITE appreciated.


I did a big ol’ spooky guest comic over at Cyanide & Happiness yesterday. Go read it. 

The Objectification Of My Affection

This biggest difference in the typical straight dude’s celebrity crush and Josh’s is that Josh will likely have sex with this dude before he dies and Kiera Knightly wouldn’t noticed if you jumped on a hundred grenades made of poison dicks to save her.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS! Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage is less than a month away! Details HERE!

I’m working on a new HE Store, that will live HERE when it is done. I’ll be offering new products that I’ve never offered before and I’m pretty excited about it.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction

Get To The Crapper!

Alternate title: “I Ain’t Got Time To Pee”

100% true story from the very first con at which I ever exhibited (except David wasn’t actually there). Something about a pink human dick emerging between a Predator’s legs made it seems like either A) This Predator has a really small, really fucked up dick, or B) This Predator has eaten a human, and it’s attempting to escape out of the Predator’s vagina, dick first. YES there are lady Predators, you xenomisogynists.

At least a dozen of you DEMANDED that I make a shirt based on this comic, SO I DID. If I don’t sell at least a dozen I will brand the 12 of you as liars and scoundrels for time in perpetuity.


I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 


I have 3 submissions for the Fancy Fan Art Contest. I NEED MORE! “But, Joel! I don’t know how to art!” you say? TOO BAD! YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT! Write a poem! Write a song! Bake a cake! Knit a scarf! The more creative the better! RULES, PRIZES AND DETAILS HERE. 

The most recent HijiNKS HANGOUT is archived HERE and features me, Mikey Neumann and Stepto trying to figure out where Star Trek Into Darkness fits into the “quality pantheon” of Star Trek films.

hijinks hangout 2 Star Trek Into Darkness - Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 6.55.44 PM


The Blessed Arrival

La resurrección del lagarto pollo!

Finally, a new comic. My actual human life has been getting in the way of my comic-productivity for the last week. I have solved this problem by cutting off all contact with the outside world for at least the next two months. If you need me, I’ll be chained to my computer with a stylus driven through each of my hands like so much webcomicy stigmata.



COMMENTERS: So it seems Eli is now the steward of the great bird-headed serpent god of Mesoamerica that will (or has) return to Earth and usher in the world ending 2012 situation. Fun times. Which horrific beast of world (or at least city) destruction would you most like as a pet? Which would you rather actually destroy us all? My vote for both scenarios goes to whatever sort of Norse frost giant is going to really fuck shit up come Ragnarok.