Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

This is a thing I have been concerned about for a while. WHY DOESN’T MR. T AGE?! He is identical to the man (or is it myth?) that I knew of as a boy. Had that god damn son of a bitch kid that lived next door to me when I was 8 NOT broken my Mr. T action figure, I’m sure I could compare it to the man today and see no discrepancy other than his lack of a torso joint that spun 360 degrees! Oh, and REAL clever using Scotch tape to reattach Mr. T’s head, shitty fucking neighbor kid. Like I wasn’t going to notice. I was in honors classes! They taught us to look for shit like that! Context clues, motherfucker! Comprehension! And I was SUPPOSED to get to borrow your scooter in exchange for letting you take my Mr. T for the weekend, but when I went to claim my half of the bargain, your step dad told me it was locked in the shed and you were at your mom’s! FUCK YOU IN THE FACE FOREVER.

But I digress. My working theory is that Mr. T always has been and always will be. He might be some sort of celestial observer like Uatu The Watcher who just keeps tabs on Humanity for some unknown (hopefully benevolent) purpose. Or perhaps every planet has a Mr. T to protect it, like a jewelry-laden Green Lantern. Any one of those chains could be his power source. He probably wears so many to confuse his enemies. Using advanced maths and a comprehensive knowledge of 80’s pop culture, I can deduce that Richard Simmons is the Sinestro to T’s Hal Jordan. Their energies certainly seem equal but opposite.

COMMENTERS: Post your theories about Mr. T’s origins or mythic back story. Even if he’s just a regular human, you have to admit, he has aged remarkably little in the last 30 years. If not space magic, then how has he maintained his appearance? I bet it’s camel spider venom.

Holy shitC2E2 in Chicago is next week. I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? Have you seen how shallow the pizza in Seattle is? Are you going to let them win?! [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies… I’m just sayin’.]

Guest Comic By Sam Logan Of Sam & Fuzzy

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

NYCC Guest Week is in full effect!

I am at New York Comic-Con with Blind Ferret at Booth #1821 this weekend  (10-13 to 10-16). I will trade awkward stares for confusing winks and t-shirts, sketches, prints and books for stacks and stacks of monies. I will be giving out free “Sci-Fives” all weekend [the hand gesture, not the t-shirt].

Joel Watson of Geek webcomic HijiNKS ENSUE at New York Comic Con 2011

Sam Logan of Sam and Fuzzy understands my struggle. It isn’t enough to just juxtapose two elements of pop culture and wait for the delicious LOLs to roll in. You have to find a reason WHY the juxtaposition is funny. The equation must have a result other than “I know both’o thems things.” It’s not enough to say, “What if Batman was in Starfleet?” Because he would… wait… what IF Batman WAS in Starfleet?! I… I have have to go start a new comic.

Sam Logan has the unique distinction of being one of the 4 or 5 Canadians I know. He also makes essentially the best Harry Potter T-shirt the word has ever seen, and draws caves like nobody’s business. Not to mention he is one of my favorite convention buddies in all of comicdom. I take immense pleasure in improving his merchandise, and helping his create horrifying characters [scroll down to the blog post] and t-shirts that no one would ever want.

COMMENTERS: Following Sam’s example, come up with your own terrible pop-culture mashup. Puns are encouraged. Actually being funny for the right reasons is not.