Cuatro de Julio

Did I get the Spanish right this time? (edit: NO! but I fixed it.)

Enjoy your day off, explodify as many things and possible and eat something that was cooked outdoors. If you see anyone from Great Britain, make sure you enunciate all your “H’s.”  That’ll remind them how they lost this sweet ass land mass with all its awesome resources.

If you are British, get drunk and cry yourself to sleep thinking of how beautiful it could have been. Better luck next time, SUCKERS!

EDIT: I guess it’s not obvious that I’m just making jokes and I hold no ill will to the British. New Zealanders… oh that’s another story. Damn Kiwis.

EDIT EDIT: Ok, so after getting a call from the New Zealand Embassy, I have decided to redact all negative comments about those dirty dirty… lovely people. At least they aren’t Merpeople. God damn fishlegs.

EDIT EDIT EDIT:  All people of the land and sea are equally appreciated and welcomed to enjoy this comic. We are the world. We are the children.

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  1. Happy 4th of July you fancy American bastards! Though as a Britisher, I have to tell you that we sort of got over all that loss of a continent thing a while back. 😉 Enjoy, guys!

  2. If your american, get drunk and cry yourself to sleep thinking that if you lived under british rule you'd never have been afflicted with George W Bush.
    Unfortunately for the world there wont be a next time.

  3. I love that fireworks are illegal where I live now. I used to live in Missouri and from July 1st to the 6th I had to deal with drunk rednecks blowing shit up in the middle of the street and children shooting bottle rockets at my car.

  4. Old and busted? Dude, my house is almost as old as your country!

    Well done on the artwork though, and the podcast too! Awesome! I laugh like a crazy person on the tram into work most mornings. People look at me funny because of you.

  5. The irony that the Family channel is showing each Harry Potter movie through 4 this weekend is not lost on me. I wonder if they even realize their transgression.

  6. Dear Lord…. fiesta haggis? well played… and I know a few of mexican heritage that do allow their children to drink beer and such. I have been waiting all week to see what your 4th of july comic would be about… fantastic as all the others are!

  7. Shame on you Joel Watson! Those Texas colors come busting out in a big sticky gush when nobody's looking, eh? If we hadn't been such nationalist pricks, cowering in our foreskins of selfishness–it never would have gotten so far out of hand.

    …as such

  8. That's pretty funny. Somehow I don't think Britain gives a rats behind that they ain't got all this land mass (USA). Of course I could be wrong.

    I am so jealous of your artistic ability.


  9. When I said "machine gun turrets", what I in fact meant to say was "machine gun turrets" 😉 Whether or not the Germans had glass jaws anywhere near their back bottoms is a matter you would have to take up with them… Also, if I may be allowed to gently nuzzle your brain with the penis of my language & linguistics degree, one possible origin of the word poppycock (though disputed by the OED) is the Dutch pappekak, meaning "soft shit"…

  10. And then I started to laugh, deep rolling guffaws from the middle and south central abdominal areas. Yes, Yes, very Holy Grail credits. Superb.
    Kiwis actually think the American accent is sexy, the way (some) ladies here think British accents are sexy.
    We are the ones who make a brighter day, so give, to the Will Rogers institute.

  11. I enjoyed the fact that Eli thought that Whole Foods would have those Mexican "delicacies" that he enjoyed as a child…
    Josh's need for walrus bacon sounded vaguely homoerotic… as I'm sure it was meant to be.

  12. They're illegal here in Massachusetts, but NO ONE CARES. I have met one person in my entire life here that did not endorse they're use with gusto, and she was crotchety, old, and weird. Fireworks have been going off constantly all night, and I live 40 feet from main street.

  13. As a card-carrying Mexican, I can tell you that it's not. The family of illegals across the street from my house were setting of their own fireworks from the back of their F150 long after the actual ones were finished.

    We Mexicans (both the legal U.S. Citizens and the not-so-much) hardly need an excuse for a party. We party at weddings, birthdays, all U.S. Government holidays, all the Mexican ones, funerals, graduations, Tuesdays and anniversaries.

  14. So, you've outed Eli as a Messican. I think this was previously mentioned.

    And while I definitely don't speak for every Mexican out there, I will say that my 4th is routinely spent in a Mexican gay bar, drinking until I forget where I last stuck my penis.

  15. The part I went to was probably 75% Mexican, 15% Black, 5% White, and 5% Lebanese. It was also 96% gay. Those numbers alone show what a great country this is. Even when it sucks, I love America.

    Oh, and there was a moon bounce.

  16. Eli's glee about "bottle rocket cock fights" seems a little like Josh is rubbing off on him. As it were (smirk!).

    And didn't Denise already talk about suckling chupacabra and fiesta haggis in the weirdest/favorite foods discussion in the forum? I'm pretty sure those were on her list somewhere.

  17. We're americans and we like to blow shit up, dammit! It's in the constitution. It's not early July if someone hasn't lost a digit (at least).

    They took our jobs!

  18. Mexican gay bar. Only upon reading those words did I realise that those two concepts had never been linked together in my head before. Mexican gays and cheap tequila? That's bound to get untidy…

  19. GB? Let me tell you, without England, Wales and Scotland would still be full of celts smearing themselves with woad and speaking languages that sound like people choking. When you say UK or GB, you mean England.

  20. Believe it or not, a lot of gay Mexicans are very much of the fey variety. They usually like their drinks fruity and pastel-colored.

    Not I, though. I enjoy a good beer over a frilly concoction any day. Though, I will occasionally take a shot of Tequila, only to show my incredible tolerance to it in front of others.

  21. Heh, we had a 4th of July Party with some retired military folks. One talked about being friends with the British liaison officer on post a few years ago and at their party (He and his wife offered to host it), they passed out lipton tea bags to all the guests.

  22. Possibly, or a, “But look what you poor bastards have been missing out on for two hundred years!”

    Another good story about that guy is that when he came over he wasn’t parachute qualified with the British Army, so they got an agreement with Fort Bragg (home of the XVIII Airborne Corps) to train him here. However each morning, I guess they make them all stand at attention and when they call roll they had to give their numbers. Because he was the lone Brit and didn’t have one, they assigned him one-007. Let it never be said the army has no sense of humor.

  23. The kiwi accent is pretty hard to imitate – seen many foreigners try to do it but they all come out sounding Australian *sigh* Bet you didn't think you had any kiwis reading HE eh?

  24. I dont think I've talked to any New Zealander(?) readers directly. Several from Australia frequent the comments, though. I can at least imitate both members of Flight of the Conchords of that counts.

  25. Doing better than 99% of Americans that's for sure – amazed how well Flight of the COnchords is doing in the States. By the way New Zealand is not as backward as depicted in the series – as you can see I'm using the Internet 🙂

  26. I actually have had somebody ask me that exact same question (except they were drunk), and I responded less with a long-winded and sarcastic description of a ficticious CELEBRATION OF ANOTHER COUNTRY'S INDEPENCENCE YOU IDIOTIC WASTE OF CARBON than with a punch to the nuts (I was drunk as well).

    On a related note I like to ask people what the real significance of Cinco de Mayo is, then murder those who say anything about "Mexican Independence Day (that's September 16th)".

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