Burn Ban

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

CONVENTION NEWS: Connecticon is almost right now!!!. Come see me and David and Ryan and Lar and the Explosm quadruplets and much many mores!

HijiNKS ENSUE Joel Watson at Connecticon 2011

My daughter only likes fireworks in 2 ways: big and far away or tiny and close up. We tried some bottle rockets and such last year, but she found the whole ordeal pretty terrifying. So this year we kept our incendiary festivities low key. Just a few smoke bombs, spinning flowers, sparklers, poppers and those little ones that spin around then shoot up into the air. We waited for dusk, then went down to the end of the cul de sac with our neighbors who have a son about our daughter’s age. All was going swimmingly. Things were smoking and sparkling and changing colors. Chemicals were reacting like nobody’s business. The founding fathers would have been proud.

Then, right as we were about to pack up and head out to watch the town fireworks display, one of the spinny-shooty jobber’s fuse backfired (I am still trying to figure out exactly how this happened). Basically I lit the end of the fuse and instead of spraying sparks outward as the previous dozen had done, it shot sparks down at my hand. It was like the fuse burned incredibly fast, or somehow the actual firework began to ignite as soon as the flame hit the fuse. I was burned on the left thumb pretty severely. I grabbed a popsicle, the only icy thing we had on hand, and kept it against my newly seared digit.

I’m not going to lie, I bitched and moaned like a little moany bitch. It fucking hurt. I mean IT. FUCKING. HURT. I kept a cold compress on it, and my wife went to the pharmacy to look for a miracle salve or a box of replacement thumbs. Here’s where the comedy comes in. She finds these little gel pads that you stick on the burned area with medical tape (which worked like a charm incidentally), heads to the check out (this is just before midnight on July 4) and three out of three people in line were buying burn remedies. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA! WE SET OURSELVES ON FIRE FOR YOU!

I feel like on the fourth and new years the pharmacy should put all the creams, salves, aloe and bandages right up by the front door like Wal-Mart does with the umbrellas when it’s raining or the cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. These are high demand items and we don’t need to be searching all over the store for them! Especially considering the shopper or one of their loved ones is probably still a little bit on fire.

COME ON DOWN TO THE CVS PHARMACY FOURTH OF JULY MEGA BLOWOUT SALE! We’ve got aloe! We’ve got ointments! We got 50% off disinfectant sprays and buy one get one free bandages! We’ve got gauze so sterile, you’ll have to wrap it loosely around your seeping wounds to believe it!

COMMENTERS: Have you ever been involved in or witnessed a fireworks disaster? What about non-disastrous fireworks related shenanigans?

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

A Dramatic Recreation


NEW LoFiJINKS Podcast!!! [here] and If you want to support HE, please READ THIS.

Poor Mel Gibson. The media has really blown his rampant Jew-hating, misogyny, n-word using (they run in packs now?) and general horribleness out of proportion. Give him a break. He’s only human. A despicable, racist, hate-filled human.

I hope you (those of you in the US) exercised your right to make explosions for freedom yesterday. My wife and I took our 3 year old daughter out into the sticks and left her there with nothing but a hatchet and a compass. If she finds her way home she will get her medicine name and be recognized at the tribal council. Wait. No. We took her out there to explode things because that’s what George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the other one would have wanted (there were 3 founding fathers right?).

Saturday night was our first attempt at explosiberty, which was thwarted (I shit you not) by a stray cow in the road which attracted a cop. The cop, in the midst of all her shooing and “YAH! GET!”ing of the wayward bovine, noticed us and informed us that though there were 400 fireworks stands along the highway there was ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE within 100 miles that we could utilize them for their intended purpose. We then drove a few miles down a darker, scarier more “dueling banjos” type of road and sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” while our daughter made air circles with sparklers.

Sunday night we met a friend and his daughter and went to our town’s fireworks display shindig by the lake. The airborne explosives were as majestic as the cover band playing that night was awful (they were majestically awful).

Special thanks to Fancy Bastard @Hermetic for suggesting the name of Eli’s firework.

Update: Mel Gibson Admits to Hitting Ex on Tape

Cuatro de Julio

Did I get the Spanish right this time? (edit: NO! but I fixed it.)

Enjoy your day off, explodify as many things and possible and eat something that was cooked outdoors. If you see anyone from Great Britain, make sure you enunciate all your “H’s.”  That’ll remind them how they lost this sweet ass land mass with all its awesome resources.

If you are British, get drunk and cry yourself to sleep thinking of how beautiful it could have been. Better luck next time, SUCKERS!

EDIT: I guess it’s not obvious that I’m just making jokes and I hold no ill will to the British. New Zealanders… oh that’s another story. Damn Kiwis.

EDIT EDIT: Ok, so after getting a call from the New Zealand Embassy, I have decided to redact all negative comments about those dirty dirty… lovely people. At least they aren’t Merpeople. God damn fishlegs.

EDIT EDIT EDIT:  All people of the land and sea are equally appreciated and welcomed to enjoy this comic. We are the world. We are the children.