All We Wanna Do Is Eat Your Brains

I hope Eli washed that bowl beforehand.

Heroes season 3 premiered this week. I don’t even know where to begin. Season 1 showed so much promise. Season 2 swerved directly into oncoming traffic, collided with a bus full of legless orphaned nuns, each holding a kitten and exploded into a fireball of fail that could be seen from space. Despite that I was hopeful. I blamed the mediocrity on the writer’s strike. Now I’m convinced the writers were striking to PREVENT future episodes of Heroes.

I said before that most elements of Heroes are directly lifted from the X-Men franchise, and that creator Tim Kring exists only to make soft cuddly puppies cheat on their spouses, but the heights of plagerism reached in the first two episodes of Heroes season 3 were nearly immeasurable.

  • Within the first 2 min the plot becomes “Days of Future Past” (thanks BB), right down to the assasination attempt on a senator, the future traveler that must stop the apocalypse, hell I think Wolverine was in this episode
  • One of the new villains basically has Bishop’s power
  • One of the new villains IS MAGNETO! A guy that controls magnetism called “The German“? Are you just fucking with us now? Is there a guy that shoots lasers out of his eyes called “Pussy Scott”?
  • And, despite this not being an X-Men ripoff, Mohinder starred in what was basically a condensed shot for shot remake of Jeff Goldblum’s “The Fly.” God, I could break it down into further analysis but what’s the point. Go rent “The Fly” and then watch that sequence with “Mohinder-Fly.” Do they think scifi fans are going to be impressed that they just lift ideas from movies and TV we already know?

And the writing. Sweet shit in a bisquit was it terrible. Josh has been telling me this since season 2, but I didn’t listen. He’s almost always wrong about everything! How am I supposed to gauge when he’s right? regardless I’m going to keep watching… because it’s my job. There, I said it.

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74 Comments

  1. NEWS FLASH.

    First (double) episode of Heroes I've honestly enjoyed since season 1. I'm pretty sure it was the lobotomy that did it though. After mad lol'ing my way through the terribly acted opening sequence I just shut my brain off entirely and watched superheroes do sparkly shit. Who cares that Claire actually stopped Sylar with a flimsy pantry door? Who cares that Future-Peter can warp Psycop all the way to Africa but gets caught retrieving a gun he shouldn't have left in the first place? Who cares that Hiro could have gone back in time to get his half of the recipe back? Who cares if Annoying Indian Narrator's character did something AMAZINGLY against his own personality. Who fucking cares at all anymore. At least the effect of speedy chick was neat.

  2. WOO! Josh dies! *takes a shot of tequila… while at work*

    PS: Project Runway is awesome! It's just like American Idol–only the whiny no-talent singers are replaced with whiny no-talent would-be designers who make hideous clothes. And it's actually ENJOYABLE to watch.

  3. Agreed. The premier was ridiculous, with even more in-show sponsor whoring than usual! We should also start keeping a tally on how many times each character dies and is brought back to life.

  4. Exactly! I couldnt put it any better. Somehow I still enjoyed it though. During the mohinder-fly scenes they looked like a very tan Jeff Goldblum and Gina Davis.

  5. I love how happily content Josh looks with his cereal and then in the next panel, dead…. haha I just caught that Eli took his cereal.

  6. It actually looks like buttered popcorn… which for some reason, sounds like an even more disgusting concept to eat out of the top of Josh's head than cereal does.

  7. That's one of those questions, like "what's so wrong with skull-fucking dead children?" that rather than try to answer, I'm just going to back away slowly and avoid eye contact.

  8. I never got into Heroes, it was always a show with 'IMMINENT FAIL' scrawled across it in bold-type, to me. Same can be said for Lost… *puts flame-suit on*

  9. I thought this was meant to be X-Men the soap. Stan Lee did a cameo in the first season. Nothing says Marvel comic book adaptation than a Stan Lee cameo. I'm surprised he hasn't written a 'Stan Lee' comic, got that made into a film, then cameo'd in that film. But not as himself, natch. Sounds like a film Kevin Smith would make.

  10. So, speaking of funny Sylar impressions, anyone see the Robot Chicken Sylar skit, with him taking grampa's 'moving thumb' trick, but accidentally also getting his explosive diarrhea?

  11. There seems to be some divide between those (like me) who think watching Project Runway is a grand idea, and those who want to run screaming from the room.

    Can't quite put my finger on the point of divide, though…

  12. Love that Joel doesn't get the "just don't watch it" concept (e.g., Heroes, Smallville).

    Also love HeadBowl(TM). Has a very Zippy-ish ring to it: HeadBowlHeadBowlHeadBowlHeadBowlHeadBowlHeadBowl

  13. at first i thought he was Spider-Mohinder, but then they started reading the script and stage directions from the Fly. Not to mention the bug sounds in the background. Heroes is so subtle that way.

  14. Parts of the writing were a little off, but I still love Heroes. Mohinder's "evolution" scene was like The Fly, The Hulk, and Spider-Man all in one. Despite the blatant rip-offs, I'm still interested to see where his powers go.

  15. That's good for your family; bad for your TV viewing.

    Though I do find that I'll be watching something, thinking how awful it is, and it still takes a while before I decide to turn the junk off.

  16. I would actually suggest that you only watch Heroes up to the second-to-last episode of season 1. Instead of watching the finale, just try to think of something that isn't completely anticlimactic.

  17. … *shifts nervously*… uhm… if I were to tell you that I've never seen Heroes, although it's on my list of shows to buy at some point (along with Battlestar Galactica and the rest of Farscape) would I be permanently shunned and/or stoned to death?

  18. They DID work it back into the story. When Maya and Alejandro were running from the Mexican police and Alejandro got caught and put in jail, and she broke him and his cell-neighbor out, the white guy said he had a car. It was Claire's car. Maya asked him if he was from California because it had CA plates.

  19. I am scared…. I bought season 1 about a month ago and started watching it… LOVED IT!… watching season 2 now… about 3 to 5 episodes in… its kind of "meh"… but now I'm seeing people who have watched the season 3 premier… and nobody likes it… I sure hope I like it… or that it improves… either/or

  20. It used to be that heroes stole things and executed them appealingly(is that a word – it is now). Now they execute them with a 45 to the head. My wife and I were WTFing the whole ep and when i wasn;t looking for the adapted from a comic credit, I was weeping tears of acid.

  21. man, three seasons and they're still using the same plot. surely the writers realize there are more stories out there than "guy from the future goes back in time to stop a disaster," right?

  22. After dutifully accompanying me to many a comic-book movie (she still hasn't forgiven me for Superman Returns), my wife is getting pretty good at spotting rip-offs now. Mind you, you only had to watch the X-Men trilogy once to pretty much suss out Heroes.

  23. I DVR'd (yeah, I said it…I'm one of those people who refuse to give TIVO the "Kleenex"-brand-like respect the rest of the world thinks it deserves) the first episode of the new season of heroes and actually stopped it after the first episode and went and did something else. I think I read a book, or ate some fruit. Eventually I watched the second half, but the whole "hey look, Claire can't die" nonsense was just the final straw. I wish (Lost) shows had the balls (Lost) to kill prominent cast members (Lost) after we've gotten attached to them (Lost). Really keeps you believing that anything could happen next

  24. I don't think Heroes is ever going to catch that lightning-in-a-bottle that made the first season so great. However

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