Absence Makes The Cat Go Bonkers

Every single time I come home from traveling one of my cats has completely forgotten I ever existed, and the other is positive I am an undead replicant or possible a million alien bugs wearing a Joel suit. The apathetic one, Replay, briefly looks up from licking his own asshole, then gets right back to chowing down. The paranoid idiot one, Tivo, tears across the house as soon as he sees me, then takes refuge either under my bed or between my night stand and the wall. Two places that I, as a human with arms and legs, obviously have no way of ever infiltrating.

Tivo is your basic fuzzy dumbass. Just fuzzy as all get out, and as dumb as the day long. These are things that do not terrify Tivo: me sitting in a chair. Me walking through the room. These are things that ABSOLUTELY terrify Tivo: Me getting up from sitting in a chair, me walking through the room wearing sandals, me walking through the room holding something in my hands, me walking in the direction that he is also walking in, me doing a thing, a thing happening, me standing up and then a thing happens… you get the idea. His primary fears are me, things, happenings, and most other all of it.


Replay, the other one, couldn’t give two shits connected by a piece of string that he ate (A real thing that has happened in my house several times. We call them “poop-chucks.”) if I lived or died. The only thing that leads me to think he might prefer my death is that I get the distinct impression he wants to hollow out my chest cavity and take up residence in my rib cage. It’s hard to explain why I think this. Some cats, just give off that vibe, you know?

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

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  1. My two catsare very affectionate, and whenever I come home from being gone longer than a usual work day (so if I go somewhere after work, even, and trips away from home even more so), they follow me around as soon as I set foot in the house, yelling
    They don't calm down until I either sit down and cuddle them, or remain standing but feed them (well the little one demands feeding immediately MOM I HAVEN'T EATEN IN SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS even though they have kibble available all day; the big one doesn't care about the 'special' food and just wants pets).
    In short, and I say this as a crazy cat lady: cats are fuckin' weird.

    • The very MOMENT my wife leaves the house, Tivo starts to wonder from room to room whining the most pathetic whine he can muster. He KNOWS she went out the front door, yet he's so dumb he checks every room in the house as if she went out the front and came back in a window just to trick him.

  2. Our cat has three moods: evil, bored (variation on sleepy) and confused. Confused is really just a mid-state he's in when he's trying to decide whether he's going to be evil, or if he's just bored.

    • Replay only wants to sit on my dick. Especially when I'm in bed. Tivo is the one that manage to concentrate all of his copious weight into a singularity at the end of one paw when he steps on your stomach.

  3. My dogs quite often forget I am in the house (If my wife is home). If I move too loudly they explode into barking fits and freak out. This happens most often at night, and mostly only when my wife is home. I have no idea why.

  4. My crotch is known as the "Launch Pad", not for reasons I would like but because every pet we've ever had has considered it a warm, fun trampoline. They'll lull me into a false sense of security for days, then one chilly evening one will be asleep in my lap and the doorbell rings…

    Wife from upstairs: "Honey, why aren't you getting the door?"
    Me: "Because I'm rolling around on the floor crying!"
    Wife: "How'd the pug get in the chandelier?"
    Me: "You know how."

    • Having a pug jump to enthusiastically out of your lap may not be fun. But try having a Newfoundland enthusiastically jumping feet first into your lap…
      (you may just find yourself wishing you were the one who was neutered)

      "Yes, I'm very happy to see you too doggy, but I can't pet you right now because I need to roll into the fetal position and wish I were dead for a few minutes. Yes thank you, the face licking is a big help… you can stop now…"

  5. It sounds like Tivo really needs some perches. Cats are tree or otherwise perching animals who like to look down and stuff. It makes them feel safe. Being under your feet or butt (if on the sofa or a chair) makes them feel unsafe. You don't have to get a kitty condo or anything, but if you put up some little brackets that help him get to the top of a bookshelf or something, he'd probably be way less scared all the time. It actually makes many cats neurotic to spend most of their time on the floor.

  6. Three cats where I live. Lily, the perfect one, thinks that she is the mother cat and we are all her kittens to be cleaned and occasionally disciplined when we misbehave. She is adorable and easily my favorite. She loves sitting on people's laps, and gets jealous when her owner pays attention to any other cat.

    Shrodinger is the weird one. She is very quiet, usually hides most of the day except to occasionally come out and wander around as if she's exploring a brand new environment even though she's lived here her entire life. She does not much care for people, except will always select a single favorite who she insists on spending at least an hour being petted by each day. She can get very insistent if they are doing something else at that time

    Then there's Creamsicle. Otherwise known as Fatty. Otherwise known as Ishtar, the Destroyer. This is a cat made for the internet. She is adorable. She knows it. She hams it up. All of that grace that cats are supposed to have? Nope, I've seen her smash into a wall at full speed trying to turn a corner. Elegance? Her favorite position to lie on the floor is spread-eagle on her back. Any attention is good attention as far as she's concerned. I have literally pet her the wrong direction for ten minutes straight and she was purring loud enough to be heard across the room. My room mates are half convinced she is some sort of dog half-breed…

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