Abracadaver

AND MY AXE!
And My Axe - Gimli shirt by HijiNKS ENSUE

THERE IS A NEW HE PODCAST!!! EPISODE 82 – C2E2 2011 Webcomics Rountable featuring: Joel Watson of HijiNKS ENSUE, Kris Wilson and Rob DenBleyker of Cyanide and Happiness, Ryan Sohmer of Least I Could Do, and Danielle Corsetto from Girls With Slingshots.

If you preordered HE Book 2, please read the updated shipping times on THIS PAGE.

YOU SHOULD GO PREORDER SHORTPACKED BOOK 4 by my friend DAVID WILLIS. THIS IS MY COMMANDMENT.

YOU SHOULD ALSO GO BID ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER THAT ME AND A BUNCH OF OTHER ARTISTS DREW ON AT C2E2 TO BENEFIT THE JAPAN RELIEF EFFORT. [MORE INFO HERE]

I was so proud of myself for coming up with Abracadaver until a quick Googling showed me that it was already a thing. Several things, in fact. Including one thing already dealing with the CSI franchise. Oh well. I did my best and I live to pun another day.

I hesitate to get too enthusiastic about Ron D. Moore’s 17th Precinct because I fear my initial excitement is actually just my desire for more content in the Harry Potter universe. I would seriously love to see an adult show about aurors kicking some dark wizard ass. Plus, what is Ron Moore going to do with a show that STARTS with magic? Is the big reveal in the final episode going to be that all magic is actually science? Hmmm… wait, that actually sounds pretty cool. Feel free to use that one Ron. On the house.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to offer up your own Horatio Caine one liner set in the wizarding world. Here are a couple more to get you started:

“The victim was bludgeoned to death with a bottle of premium tequila. He never saw it coming.”
“I guess he didnt [sunglasses] expecto Patrón-us.” [YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!]

“The victim was murdered using Avada Kadavra.”
“I guess the killer’s parents never taught him… it’s not polite to curse.”  [YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!]

 

 


 

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42 Comments

  1. "According to the lab, there were trace amounts of poison left in the flagon with the dragon."
    "Then then I guess the victim should have poured his coffee (Puts on sunglasses.) into the vessel with the pestle."
    YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

  2. "The centaur victim was pushed out of the Tower."
    "I guess he lost….his centaur of gravity"
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

  3. "The victim was found face down on a wizard chess board with his arms torn off."
    "I guess he didn't [sunglasses] let the wookie winWAIT WHA"
    YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

  4. "I know this guy. He's an informant for us. Well, at least he was until they dipped him in molten gold."
    "I guess that's one way [sunglasses] to catch a golden snitch."
    YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  5. "The victim is the head of the Department of International Magical Co-operation. He was hit with the killing curse in the forbidden forest."
    "I guess Barty crouched, when he should have ducked."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

  6. "We've got proof that Liarmus cheated on his OWL's."
    "Then I guess we're going to have to [sunglasses] expel Liarmus."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  7. "According to the Headmaster, ol' Mad Eye was locked in a trunk for months."
    "I guess he didn't practice [sunglasses] constant vigilance."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

  8. "Barty Crouch Jr spent the semester impersonating Mad Eye using a polyjuice potion…"
    "I guess we should have seen it coming. He was always [sunglassess] a bit Moody."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  9. "This young wizard was beaten and raped to death with a Quidditch Broom."
    "I guess…ok that's just really fucked up."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry, I've been watching alot of Law and Order: SVU.

  10. I'm far more excited about the police procedural called The Watch that will be set in the city of Ankh-Morpork from Terry Pratchett's Discworld. And so, a terrible Caine one liner from a far superior Wizzarding world;

    "It appears that the victim was trampled to death by hundreds of tiny feet."
    "I guess that would mean that he got packed *sunglasses* by the luggage."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

  11. "Mr. Longbottom here was killed by the Cruciatus Curse. Poor son ova'bitch was tortured for hours."
    "I guess this case *Glasses* is going to be a pain."
    YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  12. "From the best we can tell, the victim died from being unable to correctly propagate internet memes."
    "I guess that would mean that these sunglasses should probably go back on."

    Yes.

    (I can't DO this)

  13. "It appears the victim was killed by a troll near the River Wye."
    "Ask the troll why he did it and he'll tell you *glasses* 'Wye not?'"
    YEEEAAA–
    "NO! You can't keep doing this, man! A human being is dead. His family, his KIDS, are standing over there sobbing."
    "*glasses off* Maybe if they had been here earlier they could have *glasses on* cried him a river."
    YEEAAAA–
    "Jesus! You're- you're not human. You've got no soul and neither does that whore of a mother that spawned you."
    "… *glasses off*

    .. Guess that makes me a *glasses on* son of a Horcrux."
    YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

    • Um, not exactly. The Dresden Files was set in a world quite similar to ours, in that most people simply didn't believe in magic. (The reason Harry Dresden could get away with listing himself as a wizard in the Yellow Pages was that most folks thought it was just a very expensive joke.) While he did offer his magical expertise to the police department, only a couple of them didn't think he was a fraud.

      The Chicago PD in Dresden Files most certainly didn't employ a forensic necromancer, which sounds a fascinating concept to me…

      No, if I were comparing this to an existing ficton, I'd go with Randall Garrett's tales of Lord Darcy. (Imagine Sherlock Holmes as a member of the peerage, and Watson as a forensic sorceror…)

      • I don't know, when I read the show description I got a distinct Dresden Files vibe. Still sounds like solving magical crimes with magic to me.

        BTW I'd hesitate to call the books good, more addicting than anything. I kept reading them because I needed to know what happened next even though I finished every book feeling annoyed and put-off.

        • Well if you needed to know, but still were put off, that speaks to the quality of the writing and the lack of taste by the reader.

  14. "The victim has severe bedsores on his posterior. It was like he was magically forced to stay seated."
    "I guess he was asked… (sunglasses) to sit for a spell."
    YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

  15. t looks like the wizard was killed in his lab while working on a spell to wake the dead.

    It looks like he was trying to give my face,(glasses on) human emotions.

    YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

    Mind you we all know there in no magic that powerful

  16. "It looks like the house elf was eviscerated with the Sword of Gryiffindor"

    "I guess you could say he's, (glasses on) deathly hallow"

    YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

  17. The victim was folded into a [sunglasses] YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHH

    The vic–[sunglasses] YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHH

    You're a dick, Caruso, you know tha–[sunglasses] YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHH

    Are we–[sunglasses] YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHH

    Are we done now?


    [sunglasses] YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHH

  18. I don't have one to add – I have to get home and can't think of one at this short notice. I just wanted to say VERY funny strip and comments! Thanks guys you (sunglasses) rock!

  19. "That porch was solid as a rock before it collapsed. This was no accident."__"Looks like the victim was left…(sunglasses)…stoop-ified"__YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ____

    • "The victim was stunned while listening to Missy Elliot's first single."
      "I guess she was stupefied [glasses] stupa-dupa-fied."
      YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  20. "What do we got?"

    "Looks like a kid named Vincet Crabbe. Apparently the boys thought it would be funny to take
    polyjuice potion and all pretend to be this another boy named Gregory Goyle as a prank. I bet whomever killed
    this boy believed he was actually killing Goyle."

    "I guess it just goes to show, if you go after the wrong Goyle [sunglasses] you might end up with Crabbe."
    YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

  21. I am gonna have to agree with DarkCanuck, as the setting of Discworld has always been better written, and had better movies, most notably "Hogfather". But, if you do want more content in the Harry Potter universe, I'd def take a look at the hysterical and well performed musicals for Harry Potter. ("A Very Potter Musical", and "A Very Potter Sequel") Both are shared freely on 'Yow-Tubby', to quote the immortal Agamemnon Tiberius Vacuum, of the glooooorius planet 3.)

  22. "It's horrible, H! Whoever killed this wizard cut off his nuts, and they're not here anywhere!"

    "Well, Frank, it looks like our killer [sunglasses] wanted the Sorcerer's Stones."

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

  23. "The victim was trapped inside a sphere and ricocheted around until he died from severe blunt trauma"

    "Well, it sounds like we're chasing [sunglasses] a pinball wizard."

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

    Wait, wrong Who song.

  24. "The victims drank some kind of poison in a ritual murder-suicide. Part of some cult where they believe in a wizard-prophet who grants you wishes in the afterlife."

    "Well, it looks like these guys… [sunglasses] were offed to see the wizard."

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

  25. "Well, our victim was killed by Avada Kedavra, and there's A Dark Mark over the body. Think this was Voldemort's doing?"

    "Looks like this case…[sunglasses]…is quite the Riddle."

    YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

  26. "It appears the potions professor had his limbs sliced off."

    "Looks like someone decided to… [sunglasses]… Sever a Snape"
    YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

  27. "The man seems to have been strangled by Devil's Snare while breaking into the greenhouses."

    "Looks like he didn't find anything …*sunglasses*… illuminating"

  28. "Found the guy early this morning. He ran a little side business…apparently, he got in with a Tentacula leaf smuggling ring. There're some leaves and ledgers right over there on the counter by the paper."

    *Horatio goes over to the counter and surveys*
    *H. looks up*

    "Looks like he's going to miss…[sunglasses]…his daily profit."
    YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

  29. Way late to the party, but…

    -"Sir, the victim's dwelling collapsed on him."
    -"Apparently, somebody Hufflepuffed (SUNGLASSES) and blew his house down."
    -YEAAAAAAAAAH !!!!!!

    -"The perp left his map by the victim's body."
    -"Well, as we can all see (SUNGLASSES)…Mischief managed."
    -YEAAAAAAAAAAAH

    -"The victim crawled on his stomach through the secret passageway to get into the Shrieking Shack."
    -"I guess he must have been (SUNGLASSES) Slytherin"
    -YEAAAAAAAAAAAH

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