Project Cloverfield: Top Secret Bath Gel?

J.J. Abrams has been quite geek-prolific these last few years. I can almost forgive him for Felicity. I remember when I told Josh “Cloverfield” might be a Cthulhu movie. He shit out his soul right then and there. He has a plush version of the “Great Old One” on his desk.

Zachary Quinto being cast as Spock is an interesting and appropriate choice. Just look at the logic in those eyebrows!

In what may be his worst lapse in judgement (or anyone else’s for that matter), internets have it that J.J. wants to put Tom “Fear me for I am Galactic Space Lord Xenu!” Cruise in the new Trek as Captain Christopher Pike. People keep trying to find new and exhilarating ways to make me hate Star Trek. I hope they hobble that alien worshiping shit bag with a tire iron and stuff him in that beeping iron lung/washing machine from The Cage.

For what it’s worth, I think Wesley would turn out to be a Sith. He’s got daddy issues. If any Hollywood-types are interested, I am willing to sell the rights to “Geek-Splosion” and the geek-quel, “Geek-splosion II: Xena and the Highlander Race Light Cycles with Tron and the Goonies, and at least one of the Corey’s…..Seaquest, War Games, Last Starfighter.” Let me rifle through a box of old VHS in the garage and we can work out a deal for episodes 3 through 6 too.

“Bastian, say my name! Yeahhh. Say it, bitch. Momma like. Who’s your empress?”

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

I mentioned before that I was unable to attend San Diego Comic-Con 2007. This comic represents a fictionalized universe where “the crew” (you may also refer to them as “Teh b0yZ”) attends faithfully each year with coordinated costumes. I can only assume that in such a scenario one member would draw the proverbial short straw and be called upon to adopt an alternate gender roll. Comic-Con is generally in no short supply of men willing to do just that.

Though the mystery of the Blue Sun Corporation may never be revealed, Eli’s bit of Chinese cursing in the first panel does have a translation. 50 pts if you figure it out. You can apply those points towards your purchase of the Serenity: Special Edition DVD. Looks like our hopes of a BDS ride squarely on it.

Costume ideas that didn’t make it into the comic:

Angel, Wesley, Cordy
Buffy, Giles, Xander (eye-patchy Xander, otherwise how could you tell it was him?)
Zod, Ursa and Non
Marvel Zombies (Cap, Spidey and Sue Storm maybe)
American McGee’s Alice, Cheshire Cat and Hatter
Beatrix Kiddo, Bill, and a Crazy 88
The Ghostbusters (since Janean doesn’t count, I couldn’t do it)
Mr. Furious, The Shoveller and the Bowler (I wish I had done that one)

To make everything fit I had to remove the word (or exclamatory phrase), “Shenanigans!” from the last panel. I apologize, but I promise I will find a place for it in the near future.

Harry Potter: Epilogue

If you think the weekly Pickle Parties are fantastic, you should see the annual Sausage Fest. It’s a hoot. I would go as far as to say a hoot and a half.

Josh isn’t alone. Many “young wizard enthusiasts” have expressed to me a sense of gloom and uncertainty at the prospect of a Potterless tomorrow. Renewed hope for this sorry lot may lie in the purported forthcoming Encyclopedia Potterotica. J.K. Rowling recently hinted at the possibility of some sort of dark codex of all things witchcraft and wizardry.

Honestly, if you are just seeking new Harry Potter content, look no further than your nearest internet. Fans have literally gagged the internet on original works of fiction and art. Such beautiful art. Arty art…. Ok, it’s mostly Harry sticking it sideways to Ron, Draco, Hagrid or some combination of the three, but if you burn for magical adolescent exploration and adventure it’s out there. That’s all I’m saying.

Regarding the comic: They say every time a fanboy takes a hatchet to the skull, an Angel gets its wings. Your welcome, Clarence. It truly is a wonderful life.

And The Deathly Spoilers

Hermione dies.

Ron dies.

Cedric dies again.

They all die virgins. Its a terrible ordeal, really. I’ve saved you the trouble of reading it.

Josh camped out for “Book 7” (thats secret wizard code for, “I’m not reading a children’s book”) like it was some sort of internet telephone device. An “i-telephone” if you are so inclined. I wonder if he has to be the first in line at the bakery when the new bread shows up at 4am. “I want to be the first one to get my hands on the new i-rye!”

Read no further lest ye be lookin’ for spoilers:

I didn’t actually read the whole thing in pirated jpg format (though some did). But I did read the last little bit just to confirm all the internet rumors. Can we say, “Deus ex Elderwandica?” Or is it, “Dumbledore ex Machina?” Either way, JKR certainly wrapped that 7 book series up in a tidy little package at the last minute there, didn’t she? I found the epilogue all together insulting, and I’m not really even a fan. I can only imagine how the scarved and bespectacled crowd must be taking it.

Let me paraphrase:

Epilogue –

Everyone got married and had lots and lots of magical babies. Voldemort still seems to be dead. No further detail is needed.

The End.

DIGG THIS COMIC

UPDATE 7/23/07

Ok, I’ve talked to a few “wand-wielders” this morning and it seems I have judged HP:ATDH:ROTJ too quickly. Assuming one had followed the series with a cult-like fanaticism from it’s inception, apparently the ending is quite satisfying. To be fair, I’ve only seen the movies, which are commonly regarded as the “dry hump” version of the books, and read a few leaked pages and random internet spoilers. An expert on the once and future wizard I am not.

If nothing else, Josh experienced some sort of cathartic plot-resolution-gasm that had been dangerously building pressure for nigh on 10 years.

This would make baby Jesus cry

The terrifying visions depicted in today’s comic are not the fevered dreams of madmen. No, friends, they are all too real. There is a entity on this earth that encourages you to bestow upon it offerings of discarded man-child hair which they will in turn, for a nominal fee, fashion into the very scalp of our diminutive infant baby lord and savior. I have seen it with mine own eyes.
I was watching How It’s Made on Discovery Science Channel and learned of this Canadian company that will take your child’s hair and cram it into a wax baby Jesus’s head area. It’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done with a baby Jesus, but the whole ordeal was terrifying, none the less. The end results was some sort of glassy-eyed garden gnome Christ-effigy/ voodoo doll (not GooGoo Doll). There is a step towards the end of the assembly process where a worker heats up a knife and burns out the tiny Christ’s eyes.

The most depressing part is that someone goes to work EVERY DAY and makes these things.

“A Play”

Man on Street with hat: “I’m an investment banker. I drive a car and wear a hat. How do you spend your days, fine fellow?”

Wax Jesus Craftsman: “I perform hair transplants on monstrous abominations made to resemble the smallest 3rd of the Holy Trinity. Once the gentle babe is properly coiffed, and clothed, I produce my rapier. I hold my blade steady over a constant flame. Once it is glowing with searing heat I plunge the sharp steel into the wax baby’s eyeballs. Blinded but still breathing and aware of it’s surroundings, I can now install two perfect glass beads into its orbital sockets completing the transformation. Why do you ask?”

fin

Also, wax baby Jesus, is not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus.