And The Deathly Spoilers

Hermione dies.

Ron dies.

Cedric dies again.

They all die virgins. Its a terrible ordeal, really. I’ve saved you the trouble of reading it.

Josh camped out for “Book 7” (thats secret wizard code for, “I’m not reading a children’s book”) like it was some sort of internet telephone device. An “i-telephone” if you are so inclined. I wonder if he has to be the first in line at the bakery when the new bread shows up at 4am. “I want to be the first one to get my hands on the new i-rye!”

Read no further lest ye be lookin’ for spoilers:

I didn’t actually read the whole thing in pirated jpg format (though some did). But I did read the last little bit just to confirm all the internet rumors. Can we say, “Deus ex Elderwandica?” Or is it, “Dumbledore ex Machina?” Either way, JKR certainly wrapped that 7 book series up in a tidy little package at the last minute there, didn’t she? I found the epilogue all together insulting, and I’m not really even a fan. I can only imagine how the scarved and bespectacled crowd must be taking it.

Let me paraphrase:

Epilogue –

Everyone got married and had lots and lots of magical babies. Voldemort still seems to be dead. No further detail is needed.

The End.


UPDATE 7/23/07

Ok, I’ve talked to a few “wand-wielders” this morning and it seems I have judged HP:ATDH:ROTJ too quickly. Assuming one had followed the series with a cult-like fanaticism from it’s inception, apparently the ending is quite satisfying. To be fair, I’ve only seen the movies, which are commonly regarded as the “dry hump” version of the books, and read a few leaked pages and random internet spoilers. An expert on the once and future wizard I am not.

If nothing else, Josh experienced some sort of cathartic plot-resolution-gasm that had been dangerously building pressure for nigh on 10 years.

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  1. Hey now. I read the first 350 pages in jpg form whilst I waited for a real copy. I do, in fact, own the book and enjoyed it quite a lot.

    It comes as little surprise your insults at the series come veiled in neat little Star Wars packages. Is the irony not lost on you there?

    Also, this is your best comic yet.

  2. @Mikey

    The irony that Harry is Luke and Voldemort is a Sith? Or the irony that Star Wars shat itself stupid by the end of the run?

  3. I actually don’t draw any parallels from Harry Potter to Star Wars… I know it’s customary for Star Wars fan boys to believe that everything is ripped off from the O.T… but in reality that’s just not the case.

    I was more drawing upon the irony that Star Wars suffered the largest drop in quality by any piece of entertainment, in any form, anywhere, ever. Which should preclude the fanboys from shitting in other people’s picnics but, in actuality, creates the opposite.

  4. You DO know that if you tell someone NOT to do anything, like say, read a blog with Harry Potter spoilers in it, the temptation to do it becomes that much more intense? 😛

    I managed though, and enjoyed the comic immensely. I do, however, feel sad at how much you hate Josh. I only met him once, briefly, and have yet to understand how someone could hate him so deeply and passionately as you do. It’s almost enough to make someone weep. Almost.

  5. @Asian

    Wow! I guess because you never saw me and Josh together that you dont understand our dynamic. Josh is basically one of my favorite people on this earth, and the outward disdain I show for him only masks the intense internal loathing…uh, affection. Mostly loathing.

    This is just how we roll.

  6. Mikey,

    I think that Star Wars did not, in fact, suffer the greatest drop in quality of any series ever.

    Clearly, the greatest drop in quality belongs to Weekend at Bernie’s.

  7. @Matthew

    Considering “W@B3: How Burny Got is Groove Back” and “W@B4: Four Day Weekend” were straight to DVD, I can see your point. Here’s hoping the script for Episode 5: “W@B5: This Asshole Smells Like a Dead Guy, but Damn Can He Party…Pass the Blow…I think this Hooker is Dead Too (The Quickening)” gets greenlit.

  8. Ridiculous. I’m a proud Harry Potter fan since the tender age of fourth grade when the first book came out, and I can tell you that the ending 100% unsatisfyingly sucked. It was a huge letdown from the lady known for her devious appreciation of fan fic. If she wanted the content and style of the books to evolve with the age of the characters/readers, she shouldn’t have slapped on an ending she (admittedly!) composed shortly after conceiving of the idea in the first place!

    Other than that small rant, fantastic sarcomics.

  9. I loves the books at first, hated the movies because inaccurate, and I HATED the last book. It was utter shit and she basically turned the books into what the new director turned the movies into – DARK. And she killed off way too many characters. So over Harry Potter.

  10. Hermione didn't die! Neither did Ron! It was such a NICE book… it's good that she killed the characters she killed. It was a nice twist and a overall happy ending but the slaying of the characters helped in telling reminding people that there are casualties of war. AND that not everybody can end happy. But true though… the part about the killing himself as self-sacrifice and everything sucked.

  11. Am i really going to be the one to point out that you're blind when you come out of Carbonite freeze? Yeah. Yeah i am.

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