Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE Classic

No Disassemble Visitation Rights

I posted a remark in the previous comic about Johnny 5 walking out on WALL-E and his mom. Almost immediately I wanted to see this SciFi/Lifetime movie play out. So there you go.I imagine it was tough for Jonathan 5 after “Short Circuit 2.” There were rumors of a 3rd installment, “Short Circuit 3: Rise of The Machines,” but eventually  Steve Gutenberg stopped returning his calls. He crashed on Fisher Stevens’ couch for a while but things didn’t work out. One dead end job after another and… well, you see what his life is like now.

Even though Cheryl’s moved on with her life, she carries the scars of their tumultuous relationship with her. Literally. After giving birth to a 16″ steel cube with tank feet and a plasma cutter she’s pretty much ruined… in the lady business.

I would like to see a “VH1 Behind the…” series about 80’s kitsch movie icons.

  • The Gremlins: Hunted Nearly to Extinction
  • Sloth: The Carnival Years
  • Teen Wolf: Cocaine, Coitus, Crabs and Cocaine

He’s Very LONEL-E

Spoiler Alert! WALL-E’s a Cylon.

I saw the movie last night. Not my favorite Pixar product, but certainly worth the money.  I thought it was odd for Pixar to include video of REAL humans (assuming Fred Willard isn’t a cartoon of some kind) along with the CG ones. That kind of broke the illusion for me. You know, the illusion that I was actually witnessing a distopian future earth populated by exactly one miniature trash compactor with tank treads and binocular eyes.

I guess they decided to ditch the side story where Johnny 5 knocks up WALL-E‘s mom then spilts, leaving her to raise 200,000 identical robot kids alone.

Bonus WALL-E Links:

Agua No Potable

I was trying to work the word “MARSgarita” into this comic. I think I’m pretty dead on with my predictions for the fate of the red planet. All’s I’m saying is if space had a South, Mars would be South of Earth. Check back with me in 50 years and let’s see if I’m right.

Maybe a “Border Dome” that encapsulates Earth could prevent the influx of cheap, skilled Martian labor. How else might Mars be like Mexico? You tell me.

**Context Clues**

BONUS VAULT CONTENT: I’m adding the original script for this comic to “The Vault“ so you can see what it’s like when I have an idea that just doesn’t pan out, and gain a little insight into the HE writing process (if you are interested in that sort of thing). A small donation gets you access to all of the desktops and behind the scenes content on The Vault.

Seven Words

Don’t forget “fart,” “turd” and “twat.”

I dare you to watch this and not laugh your ass off. It’s not just the words. It’s the delivery. Listen to the cadence of his voice. Look at the expressiveness of his face and hands.

When I was young, I was obsessed with stand up comedy. I’d devour as much as I could access. Comedy was important to me. I appreciated the craft like you might appreciate classical music. The process, the work behind the jokes fascinated me. George Carlin was a master of the craft. He managed to stay relevant until the day he died and left a legacy of laughs that generations to come will enjoy and find personal meaning in.

My favorite George Carlin moment was during one of his hour long specials (HBO or Showtime) during the early 90’s. I was 11 or 12 and living in a small refinery town called Beaumont, TX. I certainly wasn’t supposed to be watching late night foul mouthed comedy, but that is neither here nor there. Carlin starts setting up a joke (of which I have forgotten both the set up and the punchline), about the worst titty bar he ever played in. It was a dive. A shithole. And it was in the most miserable little refinery town he’d ever seen. A stain on America called… Beaumont, TX.

I felt so validated at that moment. A few days later I told my Mom that a comedian had mentioned Beaumont on TV. I don’t know how I’d planned to follow that up since I obviously couldn’t repeat the joke.

“What did he say?”

“Oh, it was just a joke. I don’t remember it.”

If you know the joke in question, please share it (or any other favorite Carlin moments) in the comments or this thread in the Forum.

Godspeed, George Carlin. Godspeed, you fancy bastard.

Shit Happenings

See what I did there? There was a twist ending. The comic wasn’t about “The Happening” at all! Boosh.

“Wayne’s World” played a pivotal role in the early development of my sense of humor. It was the only movie I ever owned on VHS. I watched it every day after school (sometimes twice) for months after I got it. I didn’t even understand 2/3 of the jokes at age 11 (I didn’t know much about Alice Cooper or why it isn’t cool to play “Stairway” in a guitar shop), but that didn’t stop me from memorizing the movie word for word (even the Cantonese) and reciting it to my friends. It introduced me to a style of parody and non sequitur that I still use every day, especially in this comic. For those reasons I can forgive Mike Myers. He gets a free pass to comedy heaven as far as I’m concerned. But, let’s make sure he gets there soon… somebody please kill him* for making “The Love Guru.”

I love the headline from this Aint it Cool News review: ‘If Shit Got THE LOVE GURU On It, Shit Would Wipe It Off!’

At least it’s not making any money. That should (hopefully) crush any chances of a sequel.  Mike Myers and sequels are not a good combination. He’s invented two characters that are forever emblazoned on the American pop culture psyche, and have added a slew of words to our collective lexicon (Shwing!, Party On, Asphinctersayswhat, Shagadellic, Oh Behave, Do I make you horny?, etc.). You might be tired of these phrases but that’s most likely due to their overuse in their films’ repsective sequels.

“Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers: IMoM” were both comedic masterpieces. Expertly exectued in every way. “Wayne’s World 2” was “All the Jokes from Wayne’s World” – Rob Lowe + Christopher Walken. It’s watchable, but only on a Saturday afternoon when it’s coming on TBS and nothing else is on. “Austin Powers” 2 and 3 might have actually been shot from the same script as the original. Take one part “Austin Powers,” mix with 2 parts midget jokes, twice the number of dick jokes as needed, 2 giant handfuls of recycled catch phrases and mix vigorously until you feel ashamed. Feel free to substitute leggy British brunette for mentally retarded blonde or mentally retarded Beyonce Knowels (who is just terrible. Like, at everything).

“The Love Guru” seems to have surpassed his previous formula in terms of shittiness by no less than 200,000 percent.

Mike Myers + funny hair + funny makeup + funny accent + mild to moderate racism + Hottish female lead + midget + dick jokes + disgusting physical or anotomy gag + having a hard time riding around in amusing transportation + celebrity cameos + dick jokes… OK, that IS the formula for “Austin Powers”. I guess lightning doesn’t strike twice. Or if it does, the second time instead of lighting it’s a shitty movie.

Mike Myers’ Career 1989-2008

*That’s a joke. Please don’t kill Mike Myers or anyone else in the name of HijiNKS Ensue. That would suck.

P.S.

“The Happening” also sucks.