VPILF

HEADLINE: McCain Slips in Tub, Tina Fey Is President!

I’m sure McCain was despondent when they told him women could actually vote, but he seized the opportunity to secure that vote by deciding to select a woman, any woman, to be his running mate.

“Alright, fellas, what we need here is a female that can fake her way through understanding politics. Also she has to be able to pretend to read and write. This will be tough, but we can do it. Hell, we sent a chimp to space didn’t we? Now I suggest you start checking the most high class brothels in town. One of them is bound to have a woman with some poise!”

Whether you believe it or not, please read about Palin’s “Babygate” cover up. I’m not sure what to believe, but damn if it isn’t a funny/tragic/still funny story:

UPDATED:

I have a feeling Obama won’t be able to bring this level of Reality TV drama to the White House. It’s simply an area where he will not be able to compete, and that may cost him the presidency.

Here are a few more links for your enjoyment/sadness:

Joel And Sleepy Eli Strike Back

Kevin Smith has not already seen J.J. Abram’s “Star Trek.” Except that he totally has. But he hasn’t. And whatever he hasn’t seen, he can’t talk about. What can’t he talk about? He’s not at liberty to say. Let’s just say pointy ears are involved…I’ve said too much.

Well I’ve seen the movie too, and I’m not going to be as stingy with the information as Mr. Smith.

I can say, without a doubt, each of these things happens in the new Star Trek:

Kirk is brash, brazen and undisciplined and for this he will be reprimanded
Spock will be forced to make an illogical decision then somehow say it was the logical thing to do
Chekov will… let me get back to him
The Romulans will seem trustworthy then turn out to be assholes
Sulu will throw a fabulous dinner party
Kirk will get laid, get in a fight, then get in a sex-fight
Uhura will take a message for Kirk will he’s doing the sex-fight
Uhura will showcase the roundness of her various space parts
Scotty will throw vinyl records at the Romulans and beat them with a cricket bat
Bones will be a doctor, not a something else, damnit
Chekov will… scan something

REMINDER!!! Castcast Live Tonight!!!

More Info HERE.

Who Snooches The Noochmen?

I’m making it my mission to infiltrate this underground ring of original creator-made comic book smut. I’ll first set my sites on Joss Whedon and work my way to Warren Ellis.

Let me separate comic Joel from real life Joel for a minute and state that I am VERY enthusiastic about “Watchmen” movie and I’m sure it will kick all sorts of kickassery. It just makes for better funny-ha-ha in the comic when I hate everything Josh and Eli love. I want to be clear that I am not actually like this. I REALLY only hate everything Josh loves. Big difference.

All that said, Kevin Smith is probably not the person you want to hinge your “should I see Watchmen” decision on. I’m sure the guy running the screening had to ask Mr. Smith to pull his pants up several times during the film. Hell, if it IS 3 hours long you might need to rub one out just to make it through the whole thing.

In case you aren’t keeping up with Fox’s lawsuit to stop the March ’09 release of “Watchmen” (remember, FOX must destroy happiness wherever it finds it in order to satiate Rupert Murdoch’s nearly unquenchable thirst for geek sorrow) here are a few links to get you up to speed:

Make no mistake that FOX has no intention of actually preventing “Watchmen” from being released. They just want a taste of that sweet sweet cash candy that the film is certain to generate. FOX is just exercising their legal right to soullessness.

Regarding the lack of a Monday comic due to my shoulder/neck/back injury: I can’t promise anything yet, but I am going to try to do 2 more comics this week to make up for it. That’s either means new HE’s on Thurday and Friday or Friday and Saturday.

Regarding the 3 panel layout in today’s comic: I was trying something new but I actually found it pretty limiting space-wise. It forced me to make some script and graphic decisions I wasn’t happy with, so don’t expect to see too much of it in the future.

Survival of The Crispiest

One might contend that the gas tank is actually still filled with gasoline and Eli, after a long day of replacing a car engine with a deep fryer and drinking, just doesn’t realize. A sure fire indicator would be if his esophogus liquified.

“Death Race” seems like the kind of movie you could really enjoy if you’d just drank 16 gallons of beer through a tube. Dumb explodey fun. I’m going to go ahead and call this whole genre “Carsplode!“. I assume I’ll eventually see it the same way I see all Carsplode! movies starring Jason Statham, halfwatching it on TNT on a Sunday afternoon while I’m working.

Director Paul W.S. Anderson has decided that he’s ‘sploded cars so superbly and so “to the max” in “Death Race” that he can’t ever top it in terms of killing cars on film, so he’s decided not to make “Spy Hunter.” As long as we’re thinking of adapting arcade car games to films, how about “San Francisco Rush 2049“? That game kicked ass.

Links:

CASTCAST and FANCY BASTARD SHITTY MOVIE NIGHT LIVE THING REMINDER!!!

He Podcast Castcast will stream live starting around 4pm central Saturday and the Shitty movie night stream will start afterwards. Read more here.

New Early Character Sketches in The Vault. See what the HE crew could have looked like!

Scared Straight

Parents Let Kid Drop Out of High School to Focus on Guitar Hero

To me, that reads the same as “Parents let kid drop out of highschool to focus on crystal meth,” or “Parents let kid drop out of highschool to explore newfound interest in clumsy teenage sex.”

“”We couldn’t take the complaining anymore,” said his mom.” That’s REAL parenting. The kind of parenting you normally only find when mom and dad share a few chromasomes. The best part is, the kid ISN’T some kind of Guitar Hero prodigy. He won a few local tournaments and has only earned about $1000, and most of that was in chicken sandwich coupons (I shit you not). I know to a kid $1000 worth of Chik-Fil-A seems like all you really need to get by in life (hell, it sounds pretty good to me right now), but man can not live on delicious breaded chicken parts alone. How’s he going to afford fries, Diet Coke and honey mustard?

I remember when I was 8 and I told my mom I was dropping out of 3rd grade and leaving home to join Voltron. I had my arguments rehearsed (something like, “I WANT TO JOIN VOLTRON BECAUSE THEY ARE ROBOT LIONS AND THEY ARE IN SPACE AND THEY HAVE A SWORD AND I WANT TO DRIVE A ROBOT!”) and I wasn’t taking “no” for an answer. As any good parent would do, she told me I couldn’t join Voltron because they were satanic and made Jesus cry. Seemed like a good reason to stay in school at the time. In retrospect I regret not taking that chance at happiness.

Aw hell, Guitar Hero Idiot Kid, go live your dream. You ride that plastic guitar all the way to top. All the way to the extended stay motel where you and your common law wife will wretch and convulse night after night becuase your button clacking skills can’t afford you the delicious meth you need to feed the dragon in your brain. DREAM BIG YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH!

Addendum:

I know there’s more to this story than what I’ve portrayed here. If you want to know the rest, Google and read. If you want to laugh at a silly comic with little to no basis in reality, I can help you with that.