The Cranksport ‘Em Up

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Three Wheaton Moon T-Shirt, Funny Three Wolf Moon Parody, Wil Wheaton T-Shirt, 3 Wil Wheaton Moon, Clown Sweater, Wesley Crusher, Evil Wil Wheaton

Those of you that follow me on Twitter saw this comic get written in real time earlier tonight as I watched the trailer for Killer Elite. I like that “Jason Statham Movie” is a genre unto itself now. I imagine some Hollywood producer saying, “We should really make a Jason Statham movie this summer. But who should we get to star in it?”

Commenters: Using the formula illustrated in the panels above, please pitch your own Statham/Owen movie. Points will be awarded for escalating absurdity.

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37 Comments

  1. I thin it's important to note that Clive Owen was in "Children of Men" in which he sexed zero women and shot zero guns but still managed to be badass. And then he did "Shoot 'em Up".

  2. Statham and Owen must race cars fueled by the bodies of prostitutes they've shot with bullets just after having had sex with them while doing drugs, or criminals will explode their hearts! No time to shave! "Drug Sex Kill Race", coming soon to a DVD near you!!

  3. Jason Statham and Clive Owen in "BROKEBACK SEXMURDERERS": "I wish I could quit you BECAUSE IF I DON'T, MY HEART WILL EXPLODE AND SO WILL THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. NOW GET IN THIS CAR AND LET'S GO RUN DOWN SOME DRUG DEALERS WHO KIDNAPPED MY DAUGHTER/WIFE/MOM"

  4. Jason Statham and Clive Owen in "Car Sexer": Sex has become illegal, so two rebels can only bang hot chicks while driving 120 MPH so the cops can't catch them. They shoot their guns out the window every time they ejaculate (DUH).

  7. In a sequel to 'Shoot em up' we bring you Jason Statham and Clive Owen in 'Shoot em dead'. Owen reprises his unshaven Bugs Bunny with a gun character who must defend the drug dealer Prostitute (Rosario Dawson) he was having sex with but who is actually pregnant with the baby of tough guy Wiley Coyote with a gun character Statham who was having sex with her moments before Owen. Owen then drives really fast across the Nevada desert, pursued by Statham who then sets a series of Acme style traps. All the while shooting at each other.

    Actually, I'd watch that movie! Anyone know a movie exec I can pitch it to?

  9. Robert de Niro in "Sorry about Little Fockers, here's a movie with action, guns, explosions, fast cars, and hot women"

  10. Jason Statham essentially plays himself every time, and you know what, I'm ok with that. I don't think I have ever not enjoyed a movie Statham starred in. Either genuinely enjoyed or bad movie enjoyed, they were still entertaining. The Mechanic for example.

    Jason Statham stars as Jason Statham in a Statham joint. Transporter 5: Transport harder.

  11. I had an idea for a movie….
    … but Statham & Owen had sex with it, and then murdered it with a combination of guns, cars, and gun shooting cars.

  12. Gone in Sex Seconds…..For some odd reason, that is never really explained, Nick Cage is a wizard/archeologist/flaming skull with the power to reedit the world. He cuts every Statham/Owen movie down so that every scene takes one second. You'll see so much sex,guns,explosions,cars,girls your heart will sexslpode!!!

  13. Statham & Owen slip on the wet floor in an airport men's room (PISO MOJADO!), tumble through an open stall door and find themselves transported to an alternate Earth. There, they quickly locate their alternate Earth counterparts and discover (horror of horrors!) that on this Earth, they are both, in fact, professors of linguistics who only take public transit to work, abhor violence of any kind and seem to never exhibit any symptoms whatsoever of functioning libidos. Will the Statham & Owens we know and love annihilate their mellow counterparts? Or will they spend the rest of the film teaching them to simultaneously drink, smoke, curse and fornicate while chasing down evil Autobahn-addicted vampire-werewolf hybrids?

  14. I think I said something very similar when I saw the trailer last week waiting for Cowboys and Aliens. Now, if Statham and Owen were having sex with each other, I'd actually pay full price. 😛

  16. Statham and Owen have had their genitals replaced with machine guns so they can both sex and murder people simultaneously.

    • So when the "shoot their wad", it's both figurative and literal…and when it's time to reload…
      …having a hard time imagining what kind of pants you'd wear to have a "conceal and carry" weapon.

  17. I think there just needs to be a Statham/Owen buddy film ala Jay and Silent Bob.
    Basically, these two guys have a list of hit men, badasses, sexters, etc., who aren't themselves.
    The drive around (really fast) knocking on doors, murdering the hit men, badasses, sexters, etc., who aren't themselves, and then having sex with the wives/girlfriends/daughters of the hit men, badasses, sexters, etc.
    And then hilarity ensues. With cars and guns.

  18. Jason Statham, a reluctant badass with a past, is out for revenge against Clive Owen, an unconvincing badass with no future, in this gunplay fetish-fest! Sex with hot girls happens while cars drive fast! British-talking-ness abounds! This summer, The Stubble will 'Splode at a theater near you in 'GunBeard 2: Electric Boogaloo'!!!

  19. All we need to do is add Michael Cane and Billy Connolly as mentor characters who, while disapproving of all the killing, sexing, and fast-going, sill manage to kill, sex, and go just as fast as the younger killers, sexers, and vroom-so-fasters.

  20. Owen. Statham. "Sex Drive" They sex girls while driving and shooting drug dealers who are shooting drugs…into more girls.

    Instant Sequel! "Sex Drive 2: Riding Shotgun" They had gun-gasms that made babies who, when driven fast, poop bullets!

  21. As a Brit I can't understand the popularity of Statham with Americans. I mean, he's just this bloke, right? He hasn't got that "I'm really quite posher than anything you will ever meet in your pitiful life let's have sex" style that most Brits-who-are-popular-in-the-US have.

  22. JASON OWEN! CLIVE STATHAM! DOES ANYONE KNOW OR CARE WHAT THEIR REAL NAMES ARE ANY MORE? THEY DO! AND THEY'LL HAVE TO GUN-SEX THEIR WAY THROUGH A HORDE OF ANGRY PROSTITUTES TO GET THEIR TRUE NAMES BACK FROM HOLLYWOOD QUASI-LITERATE SCREENWRITERS! JASON CLIVE AND OWEN STATHAM ARE "THE RENAMED!" THIS SUMMER FROM FAWKES…NO WAIT…FOX. THAT'S IT. ISN'T IT?

    • Oh, who wouldn't? Plus don't forget the horde of angry prostitutes. We're gonna go all out there–Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian….basically anyone who's ever whored themselves out for a quick buck.

      • Though wouldn't you really have to call it a whored of angry prostitutes? Ah, screenwriting…nice work if you can get it!

  24. Statham and Owen, together at last, in "Slaughtermobile Forni-cash-ion"! The pair must drive and get a hummer simultaneously without driving over the line or under 300kmh to get to an armored truck full of the only thing that can cure their terminal brain injections: 50 million dollars! The catch? The car is fueled by the blood of pedestrians! Can they make it before spiked walls in the vehicles' ceilings crush them and their floozies? Most likely!

  27. I know im late to the party BUT: Statham and Owen race to be the first to sexmurder 10 women, Statham must sex or murder each one in an increasingly complex rube goldberg machine and Statham can only sex or murder in a car going 200MPH backwards that he keeps having to jump start using his own body as jumper cables and SURPRISE each of the women is a close relative of Liam Neeson who will stop at no body count to stop them

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